selfish weight

I have struggled with weight for a long time. I have went through the array of eating disorders. Right now I seem to be in the vacuum stage...suck in whatever food is available...lol... I have enjoyed my share...and other's shares...of a good box of girl scout cookies. I have had trainers and been on major diets. I have been tormented with mirrors. Weight is not something fun to deal with.

But lately I have been dealing with a different kind of weight...

In church on Easter Sunday we began to sing a praise and worship song that says: "I'm desperate for you. I'm lost without you." And I began to weep internally at the weight of the thoughts about way I have been acting. I have been very selfish lately. I have been desperate for a lot of things...

I have been desperate for a house. For a man...even just to be kissed and hugged by a man would be nice. For financial stability. For a career in writing an motivational speaking. For the boy's dad to get out of our lives (if you are reading this and don't know that situation...it is bad. He does not ever have their best interest/safety in mind) For this extra physical weight to just miraculously fall off and to be healthy and in good shape. I was really desperate to win that 42" flat screen at our school fundraiser.

I want, I want, I want, I want....

As I sang this song, I thought, Lord...I am so sorry; I know it is your desire for me to long for you above all else. This is something I know, have always known, but have not been living out recently.

Now, please understand that my desires are not wrong...well maybe the T.V. is being a little selfish...lol, but most of the things I long for are not bad things (and as far as my ex-husband goes, of course my first desire is that God change his heart, and he become the man of God the boy's need him to be). But....when my desires take precedence over my love and longing for God...that is when there is a problem. His word says to seek Him and His righteousness FIRST!

God wants to bless us and do great things in our lives. I know He has done so much in my life. And I am so very thankful for the abundance of His love and blessings. I know He hears the desires of my heart, and longs to bless me with those things as well. But...I must seek after Him with my whole heart first. I must let go of this selfish weight that I have been carrying around. Lay it at His feet. And focus more on loving and worshiping Him....then as the verse continues to say: "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, AND ALL ELSE WILL FALL INTO PLACE"

Now that doesn't necessarily mean that a flat screen T.V. will just appear on my wall or that prince charming will be FedExed to my doorstep (which would be so much easier than dating at my age)....but it does mean that God has my best interest in mind and His will for my life will fall into place and my life will be full of His abundant joy and peace.

Give your desires to Him. You will not be let down living your life for the One who gave His life for you. He is alive and well and hears your prayers. Be desperate for Him and let all the other weight fall off of your life.

(I was thinking after I posted this that I left some things unclear...as far as the eating disorders go...that was high school/early college things I had delt with and I will share more about that later. Weight and image can be a dangerous struggle and I want to share my heart and what God has done in my life and is doing in my life. Also, dealing with the boys father, I again want to stress that I do want God to change his heart...as awful as he can be to deal with and as easy as it is to say I want him out of their lives....I am the one who chose him even when I knew it was not right. But that is in the past and God forgives and we move on. But I have learned so much about the power of words; therefore again I want God to do great miracles in his life so that their dad will be a man of God they can look up to.)