All about Him

I am very full today, so my prayer is that as I empty my heart, God will use these words to touch your soul. It is a new year! A new beginning! I pray that this year we will remember what life is all about - it's all about Him!

It's all about Him and them! Lord, I have been selfish and I pray that my focus, my desire, my passion will be first for you and then for all your beloved children, your creation, who so many are crying out for love, yet are unaware of where to find the true, unconditional love of You and Your Son Jesus! Help me Lord, use me to show them who You are.

It's not about our circumstance, it's not about money and status, it's not about our hardships, it's not about our discomfort, it's not about our wants...it's only about You Lord and how I can show those who are hurting where to find healing.

I want to draw so much closer to You Lord. I want to stop talking....yes, take a minute to laugh at that one, those who know me...but it is the truth, I want to stop talking as much and start listening. I want to be there for my loved ones, my wonderful family and friends, and I want to hear the hearts of those crying out for a change and point them to the cross!

Help me Lord to stop being so selfish, cleanse me and fill me with Your love and passion. Take away all the ugliness, all the bitterness, the anger, the frustration, the confusion, the jealousy, the brokenness, the negativity, the worry, the doubt, the fear....take it away...."trade these ashes for beauty".

I have been non-stop cleaning my apartment this weekend, focused only on the frustrations of living in such a small place all these years...missing the blessing of where God has me...God has a greater plan than we can see and this weekend He showed me that in many ways. Like all the cleaning and rearranging, although it was painfully, literally-I have to do all the heavy lifting and moving all by myself, thankful I have solid rock muscles...OK you can defiantly laugh there, but...in the end, the outcome is greater than the pain....get where I am going...yes, we need God to do some serious cleaning and rearranging of our hearts and minds going into this new year...it will be worth whatever comes along with it, pain, discomfort, whatever you face...God is with you every step of the way using it all for His glory!

He has shown me that he has placed me where he has in order to reach other's for Him, so why should I pout about my discomfort or lack....when truly in Him, I lack nothing! He has shown me more about His precious timing on the desires of my heart...I would rather wait on God's timing and be fully ready for what He has planned for me...then stumble into circumstances that leave me feeling more alone than I did already, and broken, and unworthy. I would rather wait than get the long lost prince I have been longing for and then end up destroying the fairy tale with the insecurity that still fights hard to be a part of my life, or with the past bitterness still gripping my heart, or without the wisdom that God is showing me over these years I have spent alone.

Only God knows when we are ready for all that He has to offer. We just have to trust, and as my favorite worship song says, "worship as we wait". And- remember what it is really all about anyways- Him and them. I need to use the time God has given me alone to fully focus on Him, and be there freely to reach out to others in need.

I want my passion for those who do not know Jesus on a great personal level to be fully aflame again, and be there ready to show them the unconditional love of a Savior that has always been there for them with open arms of love, and will always be there for them. If you have not gotten a glimpse of this amazing love...I am praying your eyes will be turned to the truth of a Jesus that gave His all for you.

Wonderfully Made

My desire and prayer is that as women (young and old) we will know our value. (yes and men as well, but since I am a woman, I am going to write from a woman's heart/point of view) Spending most of my life feeling the weight of insecurity and reaping it's side effects, I have a passion to reach out to woman, young ladies, and sweet little girls like my seven nieces, and tell them how they are "fearfully and wonderfully made" as Psalm 139 says. Often I pray that a Christ confidence will be firmly established in them so that as they walk through life, they do so knowing their worth and value in order to make better choices.

This passion stems mainly from my biggest mistake; a mistake the whole world tried to warm me about....but insecurity took the forefront of my thoughts and decision making, causing a blind eye towards Godly wisdom and the hearts of those who love me. I married the wrong man. I went to a Christian college, and towards the end of my college life, many of my friends were dating each other and getting engaged...and I was not. However the "mysterious bad boy" at work begin to flirt with me...and the trap was set. Long story short: I slept with him before marriage; which caused guilt, which led into the choice of marrying him. (that is a whole other topic of God's grace that I could easily go off on right now; I will later because it is so good, but I want to focus on finding confidence). He was/is a very controlling, domineering, degrading person; therefore, the insecurities already in me were magnified, and I spent several years feeling unworthy. I went through severe depression being married to the darkness. The devil was celebrating and comfortable with my complete lack of confidence and inability to move forward in life because of it.

However....my Savior sees through the darkness, and His light shines bright enough to find the way back out. Christ has been building confidence in me for the last 8 years or so since I left my ex-husband. It has not been an easy road...but I am so thankful for the journey. You see the decision I made out of insecurity not only effected me...but to this day it effects two very amazing young boys- my sons. When we make decisions without connecting with God and waiting on His perfect timing...weather it is because we are impatient, think we know better, or like the old me...feel unworthy of God's amazing blessings...when we don't listen to His voice...not only do those decisions effect us....they may effect people we love as well. I wish the boys had an amazing man of God as their father...someone that mirrors the image of Christ, but they don't.

All because I did not know my worth or did not believe that I was wonderfully made and deserved only God's best.

We as women must know our worth in order to clearly see what God has in store for us; for when we know that God has a perfect plan for us because He loves us unconditionally and wants amazing things for us; then we can stand strong on those beliefs and wonderful things can happen...even better than the fairy tales we dream of, the love songs we sing, or the chic flicks we watch!

I personally know the challenges of facing the mirror and finding a reflection that smiles confidently back at you. Along the way there have been a few times I have faltered and stumbled; allowing my guard to drop when a man told me I was beautiful...after all it had been decades since hearing it, but it did not take me long to realize that he was not God's best; seeing as how he treated me more like a free whore than a friend...excuse the bluntness...but I really want to speak right to your heart right now. If a man can not even treat you to a nice dinner, do something thoughtful or sweet, or if he can only talk to you when he feels like it; going months without even a thought of you, or if a man only wants what he wants when he wants it...then YOU DESERVE MORE!

I love this quote from a Karen Kingsbury book, "A man should pursue you like a dying man pursues water in the desert."

I am so thankful that this time around I quickly regained ground, and allowed God to give me strength to cut the strings and walk away from that...even as hard as it was because ladies...it has been so long that I have the touch of a man...it hurts...I literally feel like my skin is going to crack, and then I will explode from the inside as my lonely heart tries desperately to get attention...

BUT....I KNOW MY WORTH AND I WANT IT GOD'S WAY OR NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Please hear my heart: first of all...if you, like me, have a past of ugly mistakes stemmed from insecure decision making...then know that hope is not lost...find Jesus at the foot of the cross, lay your mess down...leave it there...and pick up the crown that belongs to you because you are a child of a King; wear it with confidence and move forward into God's great plan for you!

If you are a young girl finding your way...the only way to find it is with Christ; allowing Him to daily remind you that you are His beloved and He has a perfect plan for you- yes you- the person he sees as beautiful! Let Him tell you those words that you long to hear from a man...and know that when He says them...He means them, and they are more than enough to fill your heart if you let them! Let your heart be wrapped up in the true Prince...then in His timing...He will send you a man of God that will pursue you in the right way and it will be more than you could imagine.

Know your worth and

Walk in Christ Confidence today!

The Devil Must Not Know About N.K.O.T.B.

We were cleaning this morning and one of my old favorite songs came on my iPod, "Hangin' Tough" by New Kids on the Block! Oh, yeah! Of course I have taught my boys this song; I mean you have to make sure as a parent you teach your kids about the important things in life, so we all took a break from cleaning, and rocked out!

"Don't cross our back cuz your gonna get stomped! We ain't gonna give anybody any slack, and if you try to keep us down we're gonna come right back! And you know we're hangin; tough. Hangin' tough. Hangin' tough. Are you tough enough?!"

We all get knocked down, we go through tough times...some more difficult, more challenging than others....but DON'T STAY DOWN! Tighten the ropes/connection between you and God, and get your act together! You loosen that connection with Christ, and you leave room for the Devil to come in and set up camp....and he will happily stick around as long as he is welcome....

So toughin' up!

Get the Word in you and come right back at the Devil raising up a new standard in your life, in your mind, in your work place, in your home...get tough and fight back against depression, insecurity, negativity, worry, fear, and all of the schemes of the Devil.

BECAUSE THROUGH CHRIST-

YOU ARE TOUGH ENOUGH!

A Hand to Hold

A few years ago, I went with Riley and his class on a field trip down to the aquarium. While there, we went out on the nature trail. I was in charge of Riley and two other boys; one boy wanted me to hold his hands while we were walking through the woods. As we were exploring nature, a man came up to us and told us to watch our step because a snake had just crossed over the path a few feet away from where we were standing. I said a kind thank you, and we kept walking. After a few steps, the boys asked quietly, "Ms. King are you scared?" I asked, "Why would you ask that?" He replied, "Because you are squeezing my hand."

This story came back to my memory the other night while laying in bed, and so many thoughts flooded my heart; therefore, I pray that a good messages comes through this post, and I just don't ramble on endlessly; venturing off aimlessly into so many different directions we all get lost! Now, for those of you who know me personally, you can see the challenge here!!!

Of course the obvious message here is facing fear. "God does not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7) If you struggle with fears in your life, you need to (like I have been doing for my son) speak this verse into your life daily. We can not face life afraid! God has too many great things in store for us that we do not want to miss out by sitting back in fear afraid to move! Fear is a trap of the enemy to distract us from God's plan. Step forward in Christ confidence! "Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you where ever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

Which leads me to...the unseen, the path ahead of us, the things we worry about, whatever we are facing...
Again, we need to step forward in confidence; knowing that whatever is out there...God has already prepared the way. He has gone before us and promised that "all things work together for the good for those who love God." (Romans 8:28)
So keep walking on His path without fear...take hold of the nail-scarred hand and walk forward in trust; knowing that your "steps are ordered by the Lord." (Psalm 37:23)

Speak these promises into your life today, and have faith that the Father will never let go of your hand as you walk with Him.

beneath the debris

If I take another step...if I make another sound...if I open my mouth one more time...if I breathe wrong again...everything will continue to explode. With each movement, I trigger another one as I stumble through this minefield; only to continue burying myself alive under all the debris.

This is what things have been like for the last few months; hence, the lack of writing since September. Turmoil, heartache, mourning, devastation, pain, loneliness, anger, and confusion have caused me to desperately cry out to God, "WHERE ARE YOU?!" Endless hours I spent alone in the dark crying and questioning everything. I actually began to truly believe either God never existed or He has actually left me completely alone for the first time in my life. I felt like he obviously was not there because my life was being destroyed and no one heard my cries, no one even cared....so I thought.

It was more than a pity party, it was more than "so ya had a bad day, take a wind down, sing a sad song" type ordeal, it was more than just one circumstance pulling me into the pit...it was the work of destruction and torment at its best. Unfortunately, for the devil....he forgot who he was messing with....

I AM A CHILD OF GOD! AND WITH THAT COMES SO MANY PROMISES THAT I AM ABLE TO SPEAK INTO MY LIFE AND KNOW THAT JESUS WILL FAITHFULLY FOLLOW THROUGH!

In that darkest hour, when I asked where are you God...He answered. As clear as day, I heard Him say, Psalm 31. Searching for my Bible, I was still doubting, until the words were before me and I could barely get through the chapter with all the weeping. Those verses were written for me in that moment and spoke to the depths of my heart. Jesus knows right where I am at. Jesus knows who I am. Jesus has a perfect plan for my life. Jesus cares about my pain and is there to lift the burden and to replace it with peace. Jesus is there to rescue me. Jesus is my fortress and my rock, and unto Him I will commit my Spirit. I will trust in Him!

In more ways than I can list, Jesus has been with me...He never left me. He had His peaceful and loving eyes on the weak and weary eyes of His child the whole time. He heard my pleas, He heard my shouts, He heard my heart shattering, He heard my body draining energy and strength with every step. So He picked me up....and held me close...and comforted me with His words and promises. He sent amazing people my way to encourage me and support me (I am so very thankful to you wonderful women in my life! You are awesome and I could not have done it without you!) He reminded me, that no matter how I felt...I was never alone.

If you are hurting today. Find His promises and speak them into your life. Read Psalm ,and so many other amazing verse of scripture that restore your Spirit and bring life into your heart and mind once again! Put on some praise music and sing to Him who is forever faithful. Because I promise you, no matter what you face, no matter how bad it gets....this is the truth to focus on: "When you call on Jesus, all things are possible, you can mount on wings like eagles and soar!"

just a lil somethin'...

Here is just a little something that I popped up and wrote somewhere in the night. Its a rap...cuz that's how I roll...lol. I picture someone like Toby Mac tearin' it up. Well, actually my first image came as (and this is how you know mommy never gets the TV...even though I do like this show) the very talented ventriloquist from Victorious, Robbie Shapiro (Matt Bennett) and his puppet Rex; since on the iParty with Victorious episode where he did a lil rhyme time action, it made me think of him first...laugh now...but seriously how awesome would it be if he actually did rap it for millions of young viewers to hear...see even a puppet can be a powerful pathway to the light of Christ :) Dream BIG people cuz we serve a God with no limits!

Sometimes we go through the fire
but call on God cuz in it he does inspire
Turns me into who he wants me to be
Who in His eyes sees a far greater me.
As I'm going through the test
I must remember to let Him figure out the rest.
Leave it in His very capable hands.
Its not always for me to understand.
I have to let go - hold nothin' back
in my God there isn't anything that I lack.
He has the master mind and plan
so on His solid rock I will stand
and watch it unfold bringing me into new light
faithfully the fight of faith I will fight
to bring others into the kingdom of everlasting love
with a Lord who conquered the grave and rose above.
All He ask is that I do the same
to rise above and bring glory to His powerful name.
Its a little thing for me to give my all
even when I feel unworthy of the call.
But I keep my eyes fully on Him
praying "this little light of mine" never grows dim.
Callin' out "You are the potter and I am the clay,
mold me into Your image this very day."
Let God be the number one thing in me others see
cuz in the end...He is all we really need.

For My Boys

I love being a mom....

I love the cuddle times and giant hugs. I love watching them grow and learn. I love their personalities and seeing them find things they love like: around the time Brayden was born Riley loved two things, hot wheel cars and anything with a steering wheel. I love that every night he would lay in my bed pushing hot wheel cars around until he fell asleep (with Nemo-on VHS- playing in the background on the TV) A few years later he loved non-fiction books; he came home often from the library having checked out these large field guides! Now his love is still for hot wheels (we have a board that I painted years ago with roads and buildings on it they love playing with all the time). He loves LEGOS!! He loves having company over - he is very social and loving. I love his sweet, thoughtful spirit! I love watching him take care of kids younger than him, and always being kind to others- saying sweet things. He loves stuffed-animals. He also loves riding bikes, and he loves wearing those rubber bracelets; has them all way up arm! Brayden...he loves sports and being active! If he can jump, flip, kick, hit, run, throw, catch, and tackle he is happy. He used to love to play dress up all the time; he loved his super hero outfits - Brayden became Batman often! He loves sharks. He loves dogs. It seems the bigger the better with him. He is my mini stuntman. I love his adventurous personality! Right now he loves BASKETBALL! He wanted a basketball notebook so bad the other day so I got it and he actually sat down and wrote a story about basketball in it! His Aunt Misa and Uncle Brandon bought him one of those basketball nets you can hang on a door....you always hear him slam-dunking in his room! I love watching him play sports and be aggressive staying on the ball! He loves music; he will take his ipod and listen to music often; you can hear him singing.
Then comes the dancing!! I love the dancing fun times in our house. We all love to break it down! LOL. I love playing games with my boys...although Brayden and I can be a tad competitive...lol...and they both can actually beat me at chess! At 7 & 9 years old, they are awesome at it! I love just sitting together on the couch watching movies together. I love hearing them quote and laugh about a good movie later....I LOVE HEARING THEM LAUGH!!! I love Riley's dimples appearing as his huge grin brightens my day :) I love the silly things they say that make me smile. I love that they have begun leaving me sweet, surprising notes like I do for them...one day I found a note on my desk saying "have a good day love BK", and I walked over to Brayden to asked if he left me a note; he shyly and sweetly smiled and nodded...I LOVE those moments.

Brayden will reach so many people for the kingdom of God because of his strong will as he will always stand for what he believes in. He doesn't hold back, and then when you don't expect it- his gentleness comes through and melts your heart...Brayden will make a great man of God that will be an example to his his wife and children someday. I LOVE how Riley is so thoughtful and helpful and giving! He is a great young man of God, and will be an amazing husband and father someday because of those special qualities. He will also reach many for Christ because of his love and compassion.

I love how we play eye-spy at dinner every night. I love our prayer times before bed. I used to love wrestling with them...being a single mom I felt I needed to learn to do this because boys will be boys...but now they hurt me so I back down...lol...this is where I am praying for a tag team partner...one who is a strong an amazing man of God, who will lead by example for these two little men I love dearly. I love reading with them and hearing how much they have learned at school...not that boys really like talking much about school, but...I get things out of them every now and then and love hearing it. LOL. I love hearing them sing praise and worship songs. I love that one day I didn't feel good, and I was tucking boys in; I went to give Riley a hug, and when I pulled away he said wait, and hung on for awhile...then he said ok and let go...he said, "I was praying for you."

Have I mentioned....I love being a mom....

And I love talking to my mom about being a mom...thank you mom for being an amazing mom and loving me and supporting me through everything. Moms are very special. Let your mom know it today. If you have suffered the greatest loss I could never imagine...loosing your mom...I am praying for you today...my mom is going through this, and the hurt is unbearable...but I do know that Grandma is with her Creator, her Savior, her King of Kings and Lord of Lords, and she is in a better place. I do know that Christ can bring comfort, and peace, and strength when we need it most. I do know that Christ is the father figure we need to pattern our parenting after...I pray that I am a mother that shows the love of Christ at all times, and always points my boys to the direction of Jesus.

Game Time

Do you ever feel like you just want to quit...just pack it all up and crawl away? (using verb crawl because overwhelming stress and exhaustion does not help with confident posture)

I used to really like playing the game of Life when I was a little kid! (remember that board game? Not sure if they still have it...but it was fun) Now I'm an adult playing the reality version...when did that happen?! Why did I choose the wrong paths at time? How did I get here?

Don't get me wrong...I very much love my life, love being a mom more than anything, and I know I'm blessed....but it's still life....not easy breezy lemon squeezy all the time this we all know...but do we know what to do when things go sour?

We live this verse out with Christ as our strength to do it,

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything with prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving we present our request to God". AND THIS IS THE BEST PART SO PAY ATTENTION! "and the PEACE OF GOD which surpasses all understanding (you know all those things weighing you down = His peace trumps those things) will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus."

My heart was heavy when I began writing this tonight....but He is lifting those things from me, wiping my tears, holding me close, and filling me with peace as I finish this...praying same for you! Love ya :)

Changing Verbs

I have changed some verbs in my life...from searching to waiting. I'm done daily seeking after what I think I want and I'm ready to wait on what God has for me. If it's not what God has for me, it's not gonna be what I really want or need when I get it on my own my own way! I've also went from begging to asking and believing. It works and I'm also left with a peace and confidence. Instead of a tear stained pillow and a headache from all the tantrums of not getting it now! God is doing amazing things in my life and I'm so thankful for His loving correction, His faithfulness, His strength, and His promises, and His peace!

Allow Him to search your heart...maybe some changes need to be made...let Him do the work-you just do the accepting of all He has for you. As you go through the changes it may be tough, or it may be easier than you thought once you just let go. Either way the results are you growing closer into the image of your Creator and a life filled with joy and peace!

Christ Confident

Starting a new school year in T-Minus 4 days!

Any time you start something new or go into the unknown...it can be a little scary at first. Anxiety, worry, doubts can all start to play on your emotions, and the overwhelming power of those things can destroy someone without warning. This year I am going to be teaching a new grade level, and I am looking forward to it and moving ahead in Christ confidence! This is something a little new to me...I am usually the formerly listed mess above...but not this year. I am attacking this year with positive speaking and a confidence that will not be shaken because it is firmly rooted in the solid rock of Christ. I am excited for the new adventures and learning growth. I also know God will continue to give me the daily strength, energy, and wisdom I need not only to be a wonderful teacher...but also (and more importantly) to be a rockin' awesome mom to these two goofy boys that keep me smiling :)

Weather you are a parent of children starting school, a college student, a pre-teen/teenager facing middle school for the first time, a high school student lost in the jungle trying to sort your way through the chaos and find your own independence and assurance of who you are...my prayer is that you face this year in confidence. Christ confidence. Know that you are created by a powerful God who loves you, and He created you with a purpose. In that you can stand tall and smile this year! Remember no matter what you face this year...YOU DO NOT FACE IT ALONE!

I was just at a work party and this cute little boy (maybe 2 years old) was running all around the gym in such excitement and confidence not worried about what was going on around him...now the amazing thing was...it was in the middle of a major dodge ball game! Lots of teachers, their husbands (some pretty tall, strong men), and their kids of all ages spread across the gym throwing balls with a mighty strength, and big threats--showing no mercy! Yet here was this little man running around happy as can be while balls flew right by him! At one point he even laid back on the floor...just chillin'! This is how I challenge all of us to walk through this year--no matter what we face, no matter what goes on around us, no matter what bully we may run into, no matter what peer pressure seems to be swarming madly all around trying to strike us in many directions, no matter how overwhelming the work seems to be...STAY CONFIDENT! KNOW THAT CHRIST IS YOUR STRENGTH AND HE PROMISES ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM!

Count The Ways

Oh, Summer...How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

1. flip flops

2. chasing the waves with the boys at the beach

3. spending more time with family in OH.

4. out on the boat...wish I had one...lol

5. more time with my boys (teacher off work)

6. summer reading

7. sleeping in

8. flip flops (I have an obsession)

9. water parks

10. cookouts

11. the ditch lilies come out

12. relaxing at the beach...sand between my toes...soothing sound of waves crashing

13. bright Carolina blue sky

14. sleeping in

15. cool pool water on hot day

NOW YOUR TURN: comment/count the reasons why you love summer! see if we can get to 100 :)

old t-shirt

God's comfort is like the old t-shirt you never want to take off or give up. It is like your favorite pair of pajama pants that you throw on the minute you get home to relax, breathe, and sink cozily into. God's comfort goes even deeper still...it is there when your pillow is flooded with tears and all seems to be crashing in. His comfort is there in the perfect hug he sends in a special person. His comfort is there as you stare at the powerful, yet peaceful ocean waves allowing the beauty to calm your soul. His comfort is there in the words of an encouraging text from a loved one. His comfort is there in the cuddle time with your kids as their sweet, chubby, little hands wrap around you allowing you to once again know that all is well. His comfort is there in a sweet surprise, a sunny day, fresh flowers, laughter with friends, and phone calls with family. His comfort is there when you get terrible news...but yet you keep pushing forward in faith. His comfort is there in the promises of His word.

God's comfort is ever present. Allow Him to soothe your soul today, and give you peace and strength to press on with diligence...becoming victorious in Christ against all odds. No matter what you are facing today...you are not facing it alone. God is there always as He has promised. My heart is aching for many reasons, it is aching for many I know that are hurting...but I lay it all at the feet of my father and breathe in His peace. The comfort of Christ comes at the call of His name. Be here with me Jesus. And be with my loved ones who are suffering and allow Your comfort to override the pain. Thank you Lord.

8th Dwarf

Snow White has seven dwarfs not eight; therefore, I need to stop being Mopey!! Although many of my friends would tease that I could pass for one of her dwarfs by height requirements alone; I don't need to become one by personality plunge--diving deeper into a Mopey pouting pit. So instead why don't I try and pass for Snow White...pale skin-check...and begin to whistle while I work; staying positive while praising my Savior no matter what the circumstances!!

While I was in Ohio I went to my sister's church and heard a great message that really helped put me in check. Her pastor from Faith Family Church, Mike Cameneti, was talking about faith and how we are to ask things from God in faith...and here's the kicker...not begging/whining/crying for what we want....yeah...ouch...hurt me too! Soooo that is what I have been doing wrong. All these years of being alone and crying myself to sleep every night, I was begging God for a Prince Charming after torturing myself by watching another sappy chick flick marathon. My negative mouth kept the complaints coming about how lonely I was, how long it has been since I have been touched by a man, or talked to by a man, or even looked at by a man and how miserable it all was; well still is, but with the words of that Pastor my attitude was snapped back into place. Yes we can ask God for things, but ask in confident faith.

My outlook needed to change. The boys and I are blessed, very much taken care of by a faithful Father, and we are doing very well. I am finally at the stage where I can say I am content with the place I am at. I am asking and believing God for things in faith, but then letting it go and letting him work...without any back talk from mouthy little me! :) Stay positive and speak positive-- that equals positive results!

Whirlpool

I was going to write about this last night while I was going through it, but I was honestly for the first time afraid of what I would say on here. I have been very ill (and not sick...this is southern for mad...lol..I have learned that living here) and hurt the last few days with someone; feeling like I could just punch them in the face (just being transparent here and besides when you have massive muscles like mine it is tempting to want to use them...lol), anyways I didn't want all the details of that to come out. Then that mixed with insecurities that have been flooding back in, and then were magnified by another comment from someone; the reflection in the mirror has not been smiling back at me lately. Sometimes I feel like this insecurity battle is like the waves on the shore of a beach...in and sucked back out, pushed back in, and then out again...a constant threat that keeps me unstable. The continuous battle has been making me feel like and insufficient, unworthy Christian. Then it was all topped off with fear, and I was trapped in the whirlpool spirally quickly downward gaining in speed, strength, and size as it spun on.

I was driving back from a friends in the dark experiencing the lovely mixture of emotions, and since the door was open, Satan came barging in. Let me explain an earlier situation first. Wednesday I got on the highway to leave Ohio and drive the 10 hours back to NC, when suddenly I hit a deer. It was dark (4:30 am), and it came out of nowhere slamming into the front driver's side bumper. Needless to say the boys and I were pretty shook up. After my gut-wrenching scream though, God immediately brought peace over me in order to get the boys to calm down. I am so thankful for that. He gave me the strength to stay at peace, and get back in the car, and make the drive safely home...with $2,275 worth of damage done to the car...but we were safe and that is what is important. Yet, on the drive from my friends house last night, as I was in turmoil over some things...would you believe that Devil through fear on the table, and I begin panicking looking for deer slowing my speed well below the limit...

I got home collapsed on the couch and cried. Then I got these sweet words from a friend on Facebook; saying the boys were blessed to have me as a mom and that my faith was inspiring...I thought, man if she could see me now what would she think?!

Time to fight back. Time to pray. Time to call out to my Savior.

"Jesus, please I need You. I cannot do this on my own. I'm hurting. I'm frustrated. I'm acting out of emotions and reacting to circumstances instead of standing firm on the truth. Help me Lord. Cleanse my heart and mind Lord. Take Your brillow pad and scrub me clean, brushing away all that is not of You, Lord. Take Your pliers and pull away all the pain. Do Your work on me Lord and fill me with Your peace, strength, wisdom, and love. I thank You, Jesus for Your gentleness, and compassion, and grace even while cleaning me up in order to shine for You. I thank You, Jesus for Your faithfulness and love that comes in my weakest moments without fail. I am so thankful that You are not a God who sits on His throne with a scoring card checking it off every time I fail or fall backwards. You are just there with open arms to pull me up and push me forward with Your strength. I thank You for the promises in Your word that I can stand on even after attacks from the enemy. With You as my strength, I will not stay down, but rise once again to praise Your name Jesus. Amen."

just a lump of mud

"Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, You are the potter; we are all the work of Your hand." Isaiah 64:8

Why do we try to reverse the roles? Why do we think that we have to be the one to make ourselves into this perfect image...it's His job...so let Him do it.

Stop struggling with the idea that you are not good enough and you mess up to much; so you're cracked, and scratched, and bruised, and scarred, but let the powerful hands of Christ be the one to smooth away those rough edges, molding you into His image.

We can't do it on our own, in our own strength, so we need to stop trying. Daily we need to keep giving our life over to Christ and allow him to do the shaping and refining; trusting in His plan that He can use a variety of ways to do that. We complain and/or question life, circumstances, places we are at...but yet we never know what Christ is using as tools to create a masterpiece in us. Not only can he use circumstances or places in our lives, like our jobs, to work on us, but He may also have you exactly where He wants you in order to reach out to certain people; therefore do not miss out on the those opportunities by trying to take away the control of the Potter and work things out your own way....because you are just a lump of mud my friend.

The good news is, you are a lump of mud that is found precious, worthy, and beautiful in the eyes of Jesus. He has great plans for your life, so just let the Potter do His job!

In an Instant

My three year old niece was doing my hair this morning while I was holding my 3 month old niece...life was good. I only get to Ohio about 2 times a year so getting to spend time with my family is very precious to me. I was in charge of 5 kids today: my two boys and 3 of my nieces...well and a 6th kid if you count Papaw (just kidding Bill, love ya)! LOL. We were having a great morning, but all can change in an instant. Next thing I knew the baby was crying and my hair was getting ripped from the roots of my scalp from the 3 year old! Maybe the baby was showing some sympathy for me! And in the other room one boy was hitting another with a dog leash...so it want from peace to chaos in 1.5 seconds! LOL...and just in case any of the parents of these children read this, really all is well, don't worry...well my scalp is still a little sore, but I am sure none of them are too concerned with my pain. Oh, no wait...I spoke too soon, all may not be well. My younger son just yelled up from the playroom, "Mom, Riley just got hurt and it's not my fault, I'm Innocent!" Right....

Anyways...this is life.

All can be smooth sailing, and then a storm hits.

However,I was quickly able to retrieve the brush from my hair, get the older kids to behave, and soothe the baby with a song by Kari Jobe. If you are dealing with situations that have upset your once peaceful life, or if you are constantly surrounded by depression and chaos, then I challenge you to cry out to an amazing Savior with these words. He promises when you call out to Him, He will answer.

"The more I seek You, the more I find You. The more I find You, the more I love You. I want to sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand, lay back against You and breathe, feel Your heartbeat. This love is so deep, its more than I can stand. I melt in Your peace, its overwhelming to me."

Even if the sirens of the storms are wailing all around you,

Jesus will surround you with peace

Buffet Style

Well...as usual there is a lot on my mind. Maybe it is because even on vacation we are staying so busy, and I am really tired because I have been on the go, and I have not been sleeping well; whatever the cause my mind is swarming with thoughts again so you may get a smorgasbord of stories here today. Since I am having a hard time choosing just one thing to write about today, I pray from the display of my mixture of emotions you can pick up something encouraging.

Fears, insecurities, negativism, loneliness, bitterness,and confusion are just some of the paths I may venture off into. My first thought was to write on fears since Sunday I watched my nine year old be tormented with fear to the point he made himself sick. We went to Kalahari Water Park in Sandusky, Ohio and it was awesome! However, Riley had a hard time warming up to the water slides. He cried to the point of hyperventilating the whole way up the many flights of stairs as he was put into a large tube to be shoved down an enormous dark tunnel. I tried praying out loud over him,quoting scripture, using comforting words, obviously the forcing him to face his fears method, and many other things...but he still bawled his eyes out. Now it all turned out alright and he eventually loved the place, went on all the slides, and had a great time. But I was left feeling horrible not knowing if I did the right thing by having him face his fears. I was left feeling awful for being so firm with him. But how do you get a child to face something that you have dealt with for decades? It was not until a few years back when God delivered me from my fears during a tornado warning while I was in the bathroom with two sleeping toddlers thinking how in the world am I going to protect the two most important things to me in the world...when God's peace came over me, and I remembered He is in control.

Talking with my niece, I had a similar situation happen where again I was telling someone how to deal with something that has taken me through daily battles for over 15 years. Insecurity. How do you get a young, beautiful, smart, talented, amazing preteen to believe in herself while at the same time you are so upset over the disgusting looking pictures someone shared of you on Facebook. This weight battle has really got me being sucked back into serious frustration. But like all battles...you have to actually pick up a weapon and fight back. I don't have all the answers to all that I am facing. For example with the above problem with my son and his fears, I would love feedback on, some suggestions on what do you do...I want to be a good mom and I love them so much. I don't have all the answers but I do know that when facing a deceptive opponent who will do anything to pull me into his darkness, I CAN NOT just sit back and allow myself to be sucked it to it.

We have to take a stand. We have to fight back. If I want to loose weight I can't keep shoving my face with sweets and comfort food, it is not going to work. I have to get moving and make some changes in my bad habits with food. Time and effort are two things we don't like about a battle. Some battles take longer than others and they all take effort on your part to stand up and fight, but the outcome will be worth it versus the alternative of a dark destructive lifestyle.

Negative speaking can be another destructive bad habit that needs to be broken before it breaks you and others around you. That is just something else I have been thinking about. I don't want to be so caught up in what is wrong with my life or what is not happening that I miss all the blessing and favor of God that He is daily pouring out on me. I don't want to be a bitter, depressive person person that allows circumstances to dictate my personality. No, I want to be a light. I want the joy of the Lord to fill my soul and overflow to all those around me. So once again...I have to do the work in the battle...when the negative thoughts come pouring in...I fight back with the Word-the truth of God. This is why it is so important to get in Bible and get those promises written upon your heart, because when an attack comes you can pick up the powerful weapon of truth and fight hard. And the best part...because if you know me you know I love to win...well if God is on my side- I DO WIN!

I know this is long and my mind seems to be full of confusion right now, but...let me end it with telling you about His peace. Some of you may face the frustrating problem of an over-active mind like I do and things like this happen often; a whirlwind of thoughts try to drown out the only voice that matters. Well, when it happens again we have to take an action, we have to seek after Jesus through all the confusion because when you seek Him, you WILL FIND HIM. Get out your Bible, put your praise music on, and go after your loving Savior with full force; the rest will fade away as His peace takes over. I set out in my mom's 17 acre back yard last night watching the stars above just breathing in His peace allowing Him to strip away all the stress. I was was reminded that He put the stars in their place, He is in control of all this beauty around me, and He has my life under control as well.

So, I guess the moral of this mess is no matter what your facing today, face it with Christ...His buffet serves up and abundance of peace, joy, love, wisdom, and strength.

Interrupted

"Decide that you don't mind being inconvenienced or interrupted, and God will use you to make a difference." -Joyce Meyer

When I read this quote it struck right through my heart...lately I have been complaining about some things in my life and some changes happening in certain areas. Then stopping around fussing even more over the lack of changes in other areas in which I want something to happen.

Who am I to question God's plan. Who am I to argue with perfection? What if those things that are changing are setting the stage for the things that I actually want to change to happen. Maybe those things that are changing are allowing me to be used to draw more people to the light of Christ.

So why do we wrestle with God? I am a single mom of two boys, and I have learned how to have a good wrestling match...for a 5 foot tall woman I am pretty tough! LOL. But why do I wrestle with God's plan when His outcome works all things out for good.

I am also someone who loves certain change...in fact I desperately need certain changes to happen or I get frustrated and antsy. For example, one day I decided to chop my long hair off into a bob cut out of the blue. Also, I am constantly rearranging my apartment. So...as long as it is change initiated by myself I am OK with that...but why do I fuss and whine when my Heavenly Father, who knows best, decides to interrupt my life?

God, I am sorry for my childish tantrums, and I trust in Your ultimate plan for my life. I want to be used by You to share Your love to those who feel unlovable. I want to be used by You to help turn chaos to peace. I want to be used by You to do greater works than what Jesus did during his time here on Earth because that is what Your Word promises. If that takes change to happen in my life that I think I am not ready for, or don't want...help me to welcome it with open arms and just trust in You. Also, allow the changes to further mold me into Your image, Jesus.

Blurred Vision

Why is it that when I look at myself or catch a reflection...I still see the woman that was called obese, a woman with a weight problem, a woman full of insecurities. I know how far I have come and I know all that God has done in my life and it infuriates me that the devil tries to pull me back into the pit of deception, the place where my unworthiness outweighs the truth that comes from a Heavenly Father who loves me with such unmeasurable depth.

I know I am writing a lot about weight issues lately, but this is the present giant I am facing...well this is a reoccurring giant I go into battle with often, as do a lot of people. The fight against insecurity is what gives me the passion to write and reach out to others because I personally know the destruction it causes...not only to yourself, but eventually it leaks into your entire life and can affect so many other aspects in the process of its destruction.

Anything that takes up your thoughts and begins to take over your life can be an addiction...mine is food. I love food, but I want to have a healthy love for food. I love to cook and create and play with knives in the kitchen...lol...I love watching food network and enjoy seeing their masterpieces come to life, I don't want that to change, but I want the addiction to feeding my darkness places in my mind with doughnuts to stop! It does not take a psychology degree to know why I overeat you can just read a few blog post or talk to me for a bit...I want the love of an amazing man that seems more mythical than the mighty Greek gods. I am a single mom (which I love more than life) but it is not always easy, especially starting a new teaching career which requires endless hours of work (which I also love my job). My dreams often seem to be crushed: being healthy and in good shape, marriage, Italy, and a house. Therefore, I get discourage/anxious and I eat. This was me a few years ago:

I know you are thinking well at least you have an inner tube handy for the pool :) Sorry, couldn't help myself. I am just frustrated with myself right now...but...not so much with the weight finding its way back into my life again...but with the lies I that are blurring my vision again. I know who I am in Christ. You may say, well I've seen you write that before, seems like you have to keep reminder yourself....well...I do, I have to take up the cross daily as I am being transformed, so...I struggle with insecurity, BUT I AM NOT DEFEATED BY IT...NOT ANYMORE!

I may take a few hits, but I am an even harder hitter! Those pictures don't define who I am, my weight struggles do not define who I am, the sex symbols of our world that I find myself longing to look like do not define who I am. CHRIST DOES. I am a beautiful, strong, confident woman of God. I have said it before and I will continue to say it as I fight for those of us who daily face our reflections with regrets and remorse.

God sees your heart not the size of your skinny jeans...which is good because momma can't get into her regular jeans right now, let alone think of shopping for the skinny jeans! My passion is to get myself and you to know that we are loved by Jesus and we matter to Him. My desire is to help you believe your worth. You were worth a cross to Christ. His love is UNCONDITIONAL and EVERLASTING. So seek after Him with a confident smile and feel His peace override your pain. Stop listening to your own self criticism and start listening to the words of Christ.

*Now I not going to go over this an edit right now because I am going to go enjoy life and take my boys out to ride thier bikes, so I hope my heart speaks through and if their are a ton of grammatical errors you will forgive me. Enjoying life is what it is all about, not sitting back in defeat. Smile today, there is hope in Jesus!

Reminder

Just a reminder to you...and defiantly to myself, to be positive! A smile is your most attractive feature :) Yes life has its ups and downs, but through it allow God to build you up during the down times, challenge you, and mold you more into His image while keeping a joyful attitude. That is not to say there is not a time for morning and hurting, but overall your life should speak volumes for Christ. And...constant bitterness and negative mindsets do not show the sweet side of our Savior. You can choose to be a black hole to be around or a Sonshine. I choose Sonshine allowing my life to showcase the joy and peace of Jesus.