screwed up door slammer

I don't even know what to say right now...

No, that doesn't mean I am speechless...sorry, that is only on very rare occasions. I just don't even know where this blog is going to go; I am typing from a hurting heart.

I am really devastated for many reasons; mainly at the way I just acted, and how it effected my precious boys.  I just slammed the door in their daddy's face....

I can go on and on about how he deserved it...but...
I am disgusted with myself for the way I just hurt the boys- I once again let me emotions determine my reactions to a situation. 

They were so hurt...and then so confused that my sweet ten year old ended up apologizing to me!  So, now I even feel worse. 

Lord, I just want it to all be fixed for them! I don't want them to have to deal with all this mess anymore!  I cannot believe how royally bad I not only screwed up my life when I married that insane man, but these amazing young boys will forever have to pay for my mistake. I am just really hurting and don't know what to do.  How do I take away their hurt and confusion?  How do I get them through this situation when there is no end to it?  They will always have to deal with this split home with two completely different lifestyles going on. 

And sadly...so many have to deal with this.  It breaks my heart and brings raging anger in me at the same time!  Someone needs to stand up and take the enemy down!  I just asked what can I do?  The only thing I can do- PRAY!

And its the only thing I need to do-because praying powerful prayers to a faithful Father = positive results. (A.K.A. = MIRACLES)

And I still believe in miracles!

I may not be able to fix their dad's mindset and turn him into a Christian, I may not be able to fix all the problems for those I love, and I may not be able to fix every broken home and heart...BUT I KNOW SOMEONE WHO CAN!

And He is not a door slammer, He is One who is knocking at your heart's door just wanting to come in and pour out love and mercy on you. And, He is One who can repair all that is broken!  And, He is One who can take something painful and replace it with peace.  And, He is One who can take all the mistakes, the missteps, the wrong turns, and the faults and turn them into something strong, beautiful, amazing, and something that glorifies the God of the universe! He can use all that we have faced to create strong roots of faith in us that are not easily shaken and that allow amazing attributes to blossom from our lives in order to draw others to Him.

My powerful prayers will help proclaim all that God can do in the lives of my boys, and all those dealing with brokenness right now.  Praying without doubt will unlock so many miracles!  

You see, what just happened the devil started to use as yet another stumbling block to either allow me to focus on my bitterness towards the irresponsibility of their dad, or to focus on my many mistakes as a mother, however, my loving Jesus brought all His words of truth back to the forefront of my heart and mind and allowed me to remember the power of prayer.  Even the power of prayer for my enemies.  I pray right now-first of all for forgiveness for my behavior, and then I will accept His grace and move on with my powerful prayers; not allowing another trap of the devil to distract me- condemnation- because I know God's truth- "there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". I pray for my boys to grow up to be strong warriors in the Kingdom of God.  I will also pray for their dad to find the love of an amazing Savior and for His mindset and heart to reflect the Heavenly Father so that he can be an amazing earthly father to these boys.  I will also continue to take the devil down by praying for me to be used by God to continue to attack and fight against the battle of insecurity that rages in our world and allows those enslaved by it to be blindly led into things like marrying someone who is not God's best for them, or many terrible things as the darkness takes over.  But I, as a warrior princess for Christ, will continue to shine the light of Christ in those dark pits and pull people from them and point them to Jesus!

So let me use my righteous anger to slam the door in the devil's face and say- it stops here!

Jesus- I believe in your almighty power and I pray with faith for those who are hurting tonight to first of all find you in such a real way that they never let go, and also for their pain to be replaced with peace, strength, and joy in the powerful name of Jesus! And all God's people said- Amen!

A Game of Chess

My boys and I play chess, they are very good at it!  Now anyone who knows me, knows that when it is game time- I play to win, no matter who is on the opposing team! I am a Momma that will take her boys down, and I am not afraid to say it! LOL....all in fun of course, I'm am not a mean competitive person- mouthy- but not mean.  I just love playing games and having fun! That being said, I must also say...my boys beat me at chess most of the time, like I said they are very good at it; they see moves way ahead of time, they have great strategies, and can plan out how to win far in advance.

Unfortunately, we have an enemy that plays this game very well also; however, he plays to destroy.  He knows his adversary well, and he knows the strategies to corner them into defeat....read further for instructions on how to win-every time!

The devil's key move against me is to create circumstances in which I will be left feeling completely unloved, like a failure, like everything is my fault, and like everything is wrong with me- the battle against insecurity.
I married a man that was not a christian...he was very emotionally abusive, manipulative, deceitful, and domineering. The devil used that situation to create a dark, destructive pit for me to dwell in for awhile. Everything was my fault in our relationship- or so he told me and I believed. I was not pleasing enough to him, giving enough, I did nothing right, I was unworthy and unloved.
These last 8 years on my own, God has given me strength to fight the devil back in the battle against insecurity, and God has done amazing things in my heart, mind, and life in order to daily be transforming me into a strong, confident woman of God.  My passion is to work with others to build their Christ-confidence, allowing them to always know and believe the truth- they are "wonderfully made" by a Jesus who loves them UNCONDITIONALLY.

Guess who does not like this....an enemy who knows how to play chess.  Last night he picked and unsuspecting pawn to come in from an angle I did not see, and strike hard. Opening old wounds of insecurity as the words of this person sounded too familiar.  Telling me everything was my fault, I was wrong, I was not acting like a Christian, and the worst part of all....throwing my past in my face; past mistakes that I have actually learned from and God used to create a stronger woman, and definitely a smarter women....a past God use to build me...but the devil wants to use to break me. A past that a sinister Satan wants to use to remind me I am unworthy. However, you see the enemy has forgotten my key player that makes my opponent incapable of moving any further in the game, a player that allows me my undefeated record- JESUS CHRIST- CHECK MATE!

You see, I am not that weak girl lying on the bathroom floor gripping a bottle of pills contemplating ending my worthless life anymore.  I am a wonderfully made child of God!  I will have moments of weakness, even moments where I was not sure I would be able to keep breathing from the choking grip of insecurity, but those moments pass with the power of praise and prayer!  Calling on Jesus in the mist of my weakness, and when I find my self surrounded by blinding walls of defeat, I see the nail-scarred hand reach out and hold onto mine.  Pulling me up from the pit, He puts me in His strong arms and soothes my spirit; allowing peace to take over the pain.  Not only does He remind me of who He is, he also reminds me of who I am...I AM A CHILD OF GOD AND HE IS FOR ME!

In a world full of fighting, hatred, bitterness, backstabbers, cheaters, liars, and an enemy lurking around using anything and anyone to be destructive tools in his game, it is important to know how to fight back- it is important to know that Jesus is for you!  He is on your side and He comes with all the power, all the wisdom, all the mercy, all the joy, and all the peace!  Remember that he loves you unconditionally and He is there for you.  I had Kari Jobe's song "You Are For Me" on replay last night (very powerful song and it is on my Music on My Mind page check it out).  We need that reminder often- we are worthy and we are wonderfully created by a Savior who loves us. Whisper that to your heart, tell it to your mind, speak it out loud, share it with others, and shout it at Satan!  When we call on Jesus, the devil has to flee...GAME OVER! And then the best part for a girl who likes victory- WE WIN!

STAND IN CONFIDENCE TODAY!

A Plan

Right now I might be just surviving,
but soon I will be more than thriving.
My Savior picks me up in His strong arm-
carrying me so Satan can do no harm.
God has great plans for me.
This I know even though I cannot see.
Things may have been tough,
but God knows when I've had enough.
His word declares, He does not put more on us than we can bare.
But if the battles are this big, Lord give me a Superwoman cape to wear!
However, looking back, I now have praises to sing-
because many of those challenges have made me more like my King.
It can be hard when you don't see God's plan written clearly on paper,
and it can bring worry to know our lives are just a vapor.
It makes you want to question every waking minute,
but belonging to the Creator, you must know- you're in it to win it!
His plans may not be completely clear to us,
and we feel like we can't hear Him through all life's chaos-
But please don't give up, don't worry, don't fret.
Just get in His word and you will see through the fog- you can bet.
Go to Jeremiah 29:11
and believe in that promise from your Father in Heaven.
Faith is what it takes to run this race,
So don't look at the obstacles, just keep your eyes on His face.

Brownies are not for Breakfast

Yes, the title leads to confession...I did eat a cream cheese brownie for breakfast, but hey it was so yummy!  However, brownies are not for breakfast...I am not feeling that great right now.
Just like brownies are not for breakfast, condemnation is not for Christians.  As a child of God we are called to rise above and not stay down. Notice I did not say, we are not to fall down...we all will fall.  Falling is part of life, condemnation is not.  When we make mistakes, we ask forgiveness, accept it, then move on.  We don't live each day with the guilt of our mistakes, with the pain of our past, or with the worries that we try to carry all on our own.  We cannot rise above with all that weight on our shoulders.
So...let it go!  Give it all to a God who loves you so much that if you allow your heart to be filled with all His love, there will be no room for all the negative things the devil tries to trap you with in order to keep you down. Like one of my new favorite songs by Jared Anderson says, "Heaven meets Earth like a sloppy wet kiss, my heart turns violently inside of my chest, and I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about, the way that He loves us, Oh, how He loves us." (This video is on my Music on My Mind page)
Live with His peace that passes all understanding, in order to do that you have to make room for it in your life.  You have to clear out all the clutter, things like: guilt, doubt, worry, anxiety, stress, fear, insecurity, and of course the sins that we sometimes hold tight to.  With the strength of Christ, you can let go of those things and move on to better things, so many great things He promises for His children.  Read His word and seek those promises, and then speak them into your life today!  When you clean out the mess, replace it with His abundant mercy, grace, love, joy, and peace because it IS FOR YOU!  His arms are open...run to them- you will not find condemnation..YOU WILL FIND COMFORT!

Face it with Joy

I can laugh in the face of circumstance
with Christ as my Savior, Satan don't even take a chance-
cuz all Heaven's power
will devour
anything that gets in my way
"Get thee behind me, Satan," is what I say!
"You have already a great loss,
cuz my Jesus paid the price for me on the cross;
so I am a child of God- and heir to the throne.
His greatness in my life through all this mess is shown-
as I give God the glory in all I go through,
even the tough times cuz they make me stronger and wiser too."
"You see, my enemy, the challenges help me grow more like Him
and keep my bright light for Christ from growing dim.
Even though at times I feel weak and weary-
I have the power of Christ in me, and Devil you know you think it's scary!"
So no I won't back down when my days look full of gloom-
Christ and I are victorious so Devil meet your day of doom!
Therefore, I can laugh in the face of the giant
cuz on my awesome God I am  reliant;
He builds my faith and makes me strong,
and fills me with joy as I sing this praise song!

Clear Vision

We need to love and see people the way  that Jesus sees
and yes...even our enemies.
Jesus loves unconditionally;
that is the way love is suppose to be.
Yet, far too often our love is criteria based-
and then in a certain box someone is placed.
We make it so hard for people to rise above-
when our Heavenly Father pours out on us, nothing but abundant love.
So when we share love, when others we view-
we must always remember: they are a creation of God too!

plans...

When we see all the impossibilities in front of us...God sees a perfect plan ahead of us." - Christina Gail

Reading Karen Kingsbury's newest book Loving (the fourth book in the Bailey Flanigan series), I have just been reminded of God's perfect plans and perfect timing. Her books always leave me challenged, encouraged, praying...and crying! Her characters are people I just want to sit down and have lunch with, talk with, enjoy time with, and learn from! I promise she must have a camera in my house and see what I go through, because every time I pick up one of her books, it speaks to my heart and soul; it is exactly what I need to hear! These moments I know are divine appointments from God himself, a God who loves me and cares about me enough to plan perfect moments when His love is shown to me in such amazing and creative ways that I fall deeper in love with Him each time. She may not have a camera into my heart, but my God does. He knows me by name, He knows my every thought, and He knows what I need, when I need it. He has perfect plans and perfect timing!

The confusion throughout the journey is not where my focus needs to lie..but my eyes need to stay on the Savior; trusting that even when the path is clouded with circumstances, His vision is perfectly clear! He can guide me through the thickest, steepest, hardest, most challenging parts along the hike. He will get me to where He wants me to be and I will be right on time.

'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, 'plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future.' (Jeremiah 29:11)

Captions

It may be because I have been teaching my students about text features, it may be because I was just reading and part of the story was talking about paparazzi capturing pictures of a couple and writing lies for tabloids, or it may be just because I have been thinking about my reaction to things, but whatever the reason....I have been thinking a lot about what my life captions may read.
If someone were snapping constant pictures of my life...what would the images portray? What would the captions say?
Would they read: "Frustrated mom yells at precious boys", "Overwhelmed single mom drags herself through life barely able to hang on", "Exhausted and stressed lady on rampage", Judgement hypocrite preaches the word, but forgets to share love to all", "Insecure, lonely lady holds head down in shame of past regrets", "Negative Nancy strikes again!" "Worried and worn, she stumbles on all obstacles", "Christian caught on camera with a face of discontent for all the blessings that have been lavished upon her, that somehow never seem to add up to being good enough?", "Mother far too busy too focus on the pleading child next to her that is begging for love and time". Is this what the actions and expressions of my life exhibit?
I am afraid to answer....
I am so thankful for the grace and love of Christ that forgives me, teaches me, guides me, renews me, and sets my feet on the right path no matter how many times I stumble. And this is what I know and strive towards:
We as Christians are to reflect the image of Christ, lets see what He says we should show in our life,
"And he began to teach them.
He said:
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
Matthew 5:2-10 (Sermon on the Mount)

This is just a small portion of the many wonderful, powerful words from Jesus and the truths in the Bible that show how we are to react to life, how we are to live, how we are to love...

I want my life to show Christ. I pray I daily draw closer to Him in order to learn more about Him, draw closer to Him, and truly reflect His joy, His peace, His strength, His wisdom, and His love.
I want my life to reflect Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who give me strength." I want my life to show 1 Corinthians 13, "Love is patient, love is kind...". I want my life to illustrate Philippians 4:6-7, "Be anxious for nothing, but in all things with thanksgiving, present your request to God and let the peace of God which transcends all understanding guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

I created this for fun, thinking of the idea of captions, but it is the precious joy...and just plain goofiness of my boys that remind me of the joy of the Lord and how our lives should reflect that joy. These boys really know how to make me laugh, and inspire me to shine even brighter for Jesus as I am suppose to be a light for them and it is my job as a mother to disciple them. So I ask myself, what does my life show them, these awesome, lovable boys?

drought

Going through a season of drought or wondering in the dessert for years is a blessing in disguise that can cause you to hunger and thirst more for Jesus.

I have come to be thankful for the "withouts" in my life. If you know me, you know I have spent years complaining and whining about being alone...now I am more than thankful for the wisdom and protection of a Heavenly Father. I am so thankful for the time alone that He has blessed me with to draw closer to Him, to learn more, to become a stronger, wiser woman of faith.

I am finally on God's side with His timing and ways on the whole "finding Prince Charming" idea. I am finally done complaining, begging, and desperately seeking after (very stupid) attempts at being noticed and touched by a man. And all my friends said, "Amen!" I have finally seen the blessing in what God has been doing over these years. For starters, he has saved me from what could have been many unwise choices. Being put in the line of temptation- I have quickly found that I am too weak on my own (and this was shocking to me for I like to joke about how strong I am! lol). However, without God- we are just weak piles of dirt! So...I fell hard into the temptations...and if I told you the stories, you have every right to call me an idiot! I would add lol...but we all are in that position far too often...and we all understand; which is why we all NEED A SAVIOR! Not a Savior who condemns, but a Savior who loves and shows mercy and grace- His name is Jesus!

I am now thankful that men either find me hideously unattractive or completely invisible! I used to say this all the time, for not one of them seem to look my way, and it has often left wounds of insecurity over the last decade. Now...I see God's purpose and plan of it all. His great, wonderful purpose and plan! He knows my heart's desire of having a husband. But more importantly He knows when I am ready and when that man is ready to come together as one and create a beautiful, Godly family. He knows who the right man is for the job, He knows when the timing is perfect, He knows who will be someone my boys can look up to and who can be a model of Jesus in their life, He knows....ALL THINGS.....so I am done doubting His plan!

I am done seeking after my own ways. Even if Paul Walker himself walked up and asked me out, if he is not who God wants for me, I would say no....then I would allow my sister to slap me one good time...lol...but...then I would know that I am choosing God's way, not my own.

I am thankful for the drought in my life; it has left me desperately seeking Jesus. Craving for Him and His righteousness; I have found the truth and power of these words from one of my favorite worship songs, "The more I seek You, the more I find You. The more I find You, the more I love You." He has been "building me up in my most holy faith" over the years, teaching me, preparing me for His plan, and loving me all along the way of my heartache, struggles, and pain. Endless hours of tears and loneliness, I have finally realized...have not really been spend alone. Jesus was (and is) always there, and His comfort and peace is far more than any human can ever give. Therefore instead of looking at my "without", I am looking at WHO I AM WITH!

Jesus is faithfully there, and He has been doing amazing things in my life over this decade of drought. And my blessings and reasons to be thankful far outweigh the lack! In your wilderness and weaknesses, find the way to the open, loving arms of Jesus; allow Him to comfort you, and teach you during this time. A great new friend of mine said she heard this on the radio and I love it- during this time where I feel like I am not producing any fruit (like nothing good is coming from my life or going on in my life) that is when God is working on the roots!

Well, during this drought, I feel God is just building, thickening, and preparing my roots for a season of great produce! When the rains come my roots will be ready to soak up all God has for me!

Preventative Prayer

Praying before going into a battle, (facing a circumstance you know will be challenging) sure beats having to pray for healing after it has left you wounded.

I learned that the hard way this weekend. I went ice skating, and seeing as how I have not been in over a decade, it was a painful experience! I fell, and have the large, colorful bruise to prove it. I was talking to a friend who went with me, and I told her she rocks because she did not fall. She said that is because she was praying the whole time not to fall. I quickly realized my problem- I forgot to pray before hand, now I am left praying away the pain in my throbbing thigh!

Why do we far too often use God as a last result? We are His children and hold His power within us. He is our loving Father who has great plans for our lives. We have everything we need to go into any situation with confidence knowing that through all things we are more than conquerors. Why do we wait until after we have made a mess of things, fallen flat on our face (or bottom if you are ice skating) to call out to Jesus?

Speak His promises and truth into your life daily in order to be better prepared for new adventures (or challenges). Pray first! Seek God first and all else will fall into place! Ask God for guidance as you start each day, ask Him to steer you in the right direction to avoid pitfalls and traps strategically placed by the enemy trying to destroy your life. Knowing that we are in a war with the deceiver, why would we not "pray without ceasing!" (1 Thess. 5:17)

2

On a scale from 1-10...I feel like a 2 right now. And that is only because I am trying my hardest to be positive. I feel like a 2 as a mother, a 2 as a teacher, a 2 as head of this household, a 2 as a housekeeper, a 2 as a friend, a 2 as a christian...and the list goes on...

I just can't get up to par. I just can't keep up. Everything is a mess no matter how hard I try...and I am exhausted from trying. I try to give my all to everything...and it is NOT working. I know we are not supposed to go by feelings...but what happens when someone actually tells you you are low on the scale! What happens when you ask your child for a hug you are in desperate need for and they reply with, "no thanks, I'm good." What happens when you have to drag loads of work to your own kid's ball practice and they are constantly reminding you to watch them, but you are weighed down with work for a job you are a 2 at anyways?!

I am search for answers that I cannot seem to find...
I don't know what God wants me to do...but right now I feel like a failure at life.

Why am I trying so hard if I am not passing the grade anyways?

I am pausing here just trying to find some hope...some ability to climb my way back to the top again...back to the sunlight...praying.

Well...I do know this, in our weaknesses, there is where we find Christ's strength. So God...take my 2 and make it a 10 please! Not for me, but for Your glory Lord, so that I can shine as a light for my boys to see Your ways, for my co-workers to see Your strength in me, for my friends and family to see how amazing You are through my life.

Well...I guess there is a reason I did not get to finish this post before I went to the basketball game for my son...God speaks to us in many ways, as my last post stated; today it was at a basketball game. The half-time talk that they have for Upward basketball spoke about facing challenges and how God wants to make us stronger through the things that we have to go through. During the game, a boy fell down pretty hard, and skinned up his knee. It took him a bit to get back up, and at first he hopped around a little, but the minute the game resumed...you would have thought he just drank a 5 hour energy drink- he was full speed ahead ready to play hard like nothing had ever knocked him down in the first place.

See where I am going with this? Yes, we go through things that are overwhelming and at times cause us to feel defeated, crushed, destroyed, stressed, exhausted....but...the point is...we HAVE TO GET BACK UP AND PLAY THE GAME AND PUT THE PROBLEM IN THE PAST AND LEAVE IT THERE AS IF IT NEVER EXISTED! BECAUSE THEN GOD CAN GROW US IN OUR STRENGTH AND CREATE A STRONGER, WISER PLAYER!

And He does not want us to be a player that holds our head down in shame when we are weak...we are human, so He knows we are weak, that is when we lean on Him even more than normal for His strength and support. That is when we cry out to Jesus and He comes and picks us back us, steadies us while we find our footing again...and then restores our joy, peace, and strength so that we can press on.

As our boys played an awesome game, I loved seeing the joy and confidence on their faces as they score a basket...and how many points for a basket? 2. 2 points for each shot...and you have to take it one shot at a time. One basket at a time to win a game. You have to forget about the one you missed and focus on the next shot. 2 points at a time...and give it your all with each shot focusing only the goal; knowing that The Coach will give you guidance you need to be victorious! AMEN!

Bombs

Working on a bulletin board at work Friday afternoon, I was very caught up in my own thoughts. Overwhelmed and distracted, I was completely unaware of the bombs exploding in my classroom! Apparently the boys and some friends were playing some game on my computer and bombs were exploding at max volume! They were loud enough that the teacher across the hall had gone into my room to see what was going on, yet I was still working away and oblivious; as my mind was running around the massive demanding to do list, as well as wrestling with some big decisions and circumstance. I stayed unaware of the war in my room until another teacher finally got my attention by asking what is that noise? How did I miss that? I was asking myself as I ran in quickly trying to help them get the computer shut off and stop the thunderous explosions.

I believe God speaks to us in many ways...yet we often continue to beg God for wisdom and answers and guidance; unaware of the fact that He may have already tried to show us the way...we were just too caught up in our own chaos to hear His powerful voice. We are often too busy racing around to really focus on His peaceful guidance. Or, like I am so completely guilty of, we seek first after our family's advice, our friends' opinions, media's take on the subject, or anything else, until we are still left in the dark...then we beg God as a last result.

Like I said, guilty party speaking here. I do all of the above. I am a single mom of two boys who feels like I have to be Super Women + the Energizer Bunny + vampire with the super speed and ability to stay awake for a lifetime all in one! I know this is most of us...life is demanding most of the time...but...God says, "be still and know that I am God" (Isaiah)

When do we do this? It also says "seek FIRST the Kingdom of God." (Matthew) When do we do this? I believe God speaks to us and guides us often, as well as blesses us often in so many different ways...we just need to open our ears and eyes and hearts...and notice the explosion of God's love, peace, joy, strength, and wisdom all around us everyday!

Now, when I learn exactly how to do this and get perfect enough at doing this...I will surly post it on my blog....don't hold your breath for that or look for the update until I am in Heaven....but if they have Internet access up there...I will post about perfection right away :)
In the meantime...I will just keep pressing on toward the goal and daily be transformed into the image of Christ.

Will you press on with me? Together we will encourage and remind each other to, "be still and know God is God!" And, if we do seek after Him...we WILL FIND HIM, and His love and wisdom He will share! There are so many promises to that in His word...I would post some examples...but I am going to make you do some work this time...seek after Him, get in His word and find Jesus! Pray His promises and receive. Seek His wisdom and you will find!

Pastries

My son, who was cheering for the Giants during the Superbowl, could not say the word Patriots. He kept calling them pastries. Now, I am not too sure that these huge, muscular, tough, professional footballs players would actually like it if there team really was named the Pastries- a sweet baked food; sorta looses some strength wouldn't you say...

Well, I am on a team as well. I am on God's team. So let's look at the name of my team. God.

I had to pause there for a moment just at the mention of His name. God = omniscient (all knowing), omnipotence (all powerful), and omnipresence (everywhere at all times); this is whose team I am on!

So then...why do I lesson the strength of my team far too often? Why do I downgrade the power with my doubts? Why do I weaken the power with my worry? Why do I forfeit the game because of my fears?

With God as my coach, I have no reason to hold back in life, I have no reason to waist away fretting over all the details that need fixed, I have no reason to think that I will walk away from this game in defeat! The amazing thing is, I don't even have to wait for the end of the game to find out who wins!! GOD'S TEAM WINS! This is already a promise! I can start my victory dance now!!! Oh, two things I really love are winning and dancing! So this is great news to me!

I need to remember whose team I am on, and not just whose team I am on, but the POWER that comes with playing on God's side! Maybe you needed that reminder today too.
Maybe you want to be part of this amazing, powerful, joyful team as well....all you have to do is ask.

Call on Jesus and He will answer. He will take you into His arms and love on you in a way you have been searching for all your life, but have yet to been satisfied with by worldly love...His is far greater than you can ever imagine. So ask Him now to come into your heart and you will forever be changed...and...welcome to the team! God's team!

Now, like any good football team, we have to practice before the Superbowl...we have exercises that we have to go through that are hard, we have parts of us that need a good workout, we have endurance training, strength training, we have to learn/memorize the playbook, and we have to stay focused on the goal, knowing and believing there is victory! But if our coach believes in us...then we should march onto the field in confidence and prepare for daily victories, expect great things, and just enjoy being on God's team!

Under Construction

Remember the old school children's church song, "He's still working on me. To make me what I ought to be. It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars. The sun and Earth and Jupiter and Mars. How loving and patient He must be, cuz He's still working on me."
Well...that song...and being broken in my prayer time on the way home from another great small group Church time, inspired this rap...lol...well at least I like to think I can rap, but...I guess you could also just call it a poem.

I'm under construction
Made by God himself - His creation
Being reformed and put through the fire
By the hands of the Sanctifier
To be tried and true
Knowing I face all things with You
The all powerful Father
Who never leaves me to bother
With all this mess on my own to be depressed
But in Your capable hands I offer it up so not to be stressed
As each day I learn more how to let go
And how to live more like Christ so my life does show
His mighty power and grace
For us humans trying to run a rat race
But never keepin up on my own might
That's why I must have God be my guiding light
Cuz when I try to juggle an everything falls
I learn that first I shoulda made some calls
Out to a Savior whose strength is all I need
Seek Him and His kingdom first in order to succeed.
Knowing that if I mess up
Won't hold my head down in shame and give up
But accept His grace and His perfection
Cuz I'm a child still under God's construction!


I am so glad that He is still working on me...
I am so glad that I am daily being sanctified and transformed...
I am so glad He is a patient and loving Father who always picks me back up when I fall flat on my face, when I screw up royally, when I sin, when I hate, when I hurt, when I break...
I am so glad that He is teaching me and guiding me...
sometimes gently, and sometimes more firmly...
but I am so thankful that I am under His construction plan!

Joy Trumps Junk

Watching the boys sleep, I was comforted by their peacefulness. I was overjoyed with how much I love them, how amazing they are, and how blessed I am to be their mother. Lately though, I feel like I have not been the best mother...I feel like my life is too crowded with chaos to be a good mom. There is hardly ever a dull quiet moment in this place. Well...with two very active boys what do you expect, but not just that, there is always so much going on, so much to do, so much work and responsibilities I have to take care of. I feel like I have to be the energizer bunny on speed!

So last night I really loved that moment that I got to pause and just watch them breathe peacefully for awhile...but even that peacefulness doesn't last long...one talks in his sleep, the other walks in his sleep, and mommy....does both....which probably explains why God is holding off on the whole me meeting Mr. Right and getting married anytime soon...He's gotta let the poor guy stock up on sleep while he can! It's like a 3 Ring Circus around here!

It just all seems overwhelming lately, and like there is no peace in our home. On top of the mess of life is the actual mess of a small apartment because I can't keep up with the cleaning because the work load and all the activities I have to keep up with for the boys. And this is something we all deal with....juggling life....but lately it is more like watching all the balls I'm trying to juggle crash quickly to the floor while some of them even go out of their way to knock me in the head on the way down!

I am ADHD so my mind is already like a million spinning tornadoes doing their damage in random directions...then add all the junk I have been dealing with, and I feel like such a mess! I know you understand...

So...what do we do? Well, we are children of God right? We do have a Savior to call on correct? And we have promises that we can speak with power into our lives. For example: "The joy of the Lord is my strength." Well - JOY TRUMPS JUNK ALWAYS!

Therefore, we need to speak the promises of God into our lives daily! Speak His joy, His peace, His wisdom, and His strength into our life...MAKE THAT A DAILY ROUTINE, PUT THAT ON THE TO DO LIST! And the great thing is, that He also promises when we seek Him first, not only will we find Him, but also everything else will fall into place. So all those things I am trying...and failing miserably, to juggle on my own, I need to place in the hands of Jesus and let him clear my head, erase my stress, lift the load, and allow joy to take over my life once again!

Have your chaos meet Christ, and allow Him to renew your mind and make is as clear as the Carolina blue sky!

All about Him

I am very full today, so my prayer is that as I empty my heart, God will use these words to touch your soul. It is a new year! A new beginning! I pray that this year we will remember what life is all about - it's all about Him!

It's all about Him and them! Lord, I have been selfish and I pray that my focus, my desire, my passion will be first for you and then for all your beloved children, your creation, who so many are crying out for love, yet are unaware of where to find the true, unconditional love of You and Your Son Jesus! Help me Lord, use me to show them who You are.

It's not about our circumstance, it's not about money and status, it's not about our hardships, it's not about our discomfort, it's not about our wants...it's only about You Lord and how I can show those who are hurting where to find healing.

I want to draw so much closer to You Lord. I want to stop talking....yes, take a minute to laugh at that one, those who know me...but it is the truth, I want to stop talking as much and start listening. I want to be there for my loved ones, my wonderful family and friends, and I want to hear the hearts of those crying out for a change and point them to the cross!

Help me Lord to stop being so selfish, cleanse me and fill me with Your love and passion. Take away all the ugliness, all the bitterness, the anger, the frustration, the confusion, the jealousy, the brokenness, the negativity, the worry, the doubt, the fear....take it away...."trade these ashes for beauty".

I have been non-stop cleaning my apartment this weekend, focused only on the frustrations of living in such a small place all these years...missing the blessing of where God has me...God has a greater plan than we can see and this weekend He showed me that in many ways. Like all the cleaning and rearranging, although it was painfully, literally-I have to do all the heavy lifting and moving all by myself, thankful I have solid rock muscles...OK you can defiantly laugh there, but...in the end, the outcome is greater than the pain....get where I am going...yes, we need God to do some serious cleaning and rearranging of our hearts and minds going into this new year...it will be worth whatever comes along with it, pain, discomfort, whatever you face...God is with you every step of the way using it all for His glory!

He has shown me that he has placed me where he has in order to reach other's for Him, so why should I pout about my discomfort or lack....when truly in Him, I lack nothing! He has shown me more about His precious timing on the desires of my heart...I would rather wait on God's timing and be fully ready for what He has planned for me...then stumble into circumstances that leave me feeling more alone than I did already, and broken, and unworthy. I would rather wait than get the long lost prince I have been longing for and then end up destroying the fairy tale with the insecurity that still fights hard to be a part of my life, or with the past bitterness still gripping my heart, or without the wisdom that God is showing me over these years I have spent alone.

Only God knows when we are ready for all that He has to offer. We just have to trust, and as my favorite worship song says, "worship as we wait". And- remember what it is really all about anyways- Him and them. I need to use the time God has given me alone to fully focus on Him, and be there freely to reach out to others in need.

I want my passion for those who do not know Jesus on a great personal level to be fully aflame again, and be there ready to show them the unconditional love of a Savior that has always been there for them with open arms of love, and will always be there for them. If you have not gotten a glimpse of this amazing love...I am praying your eyes will be turned to the truth of a Jesus that gave His all for you.

Wonderfully Made

My desire and prayer is that as women (young and old) we will know our value. (yes and men as well, but since I am a woman, I am going to write from a woman's heart/point of view) Spending most of my life feeling the weight of insecurity and reaping it's side effects, I have a passion to reach out to woman, young ladies, and sweet little girls like my seven nieces, and tell them how they are "fearfully and wonderfully made" as Psalm 139 says. Often I pray that a Christ confidence will be firmly established in them so that as they walk through life, they do so knowing their worth and value in order to make better choices.

This passion stems mainly from my biggest mistake; a mistake the whole world tried to warm me about....but insecurity took the forefront of my thoughts and decision making, causing a blind eye towards Godly wisdom and the hearts of those who love me. I married the wrong man. I went to a Christian college, and towards the end of my college life, many of my friends were dating each other and getting engaged...and I was not. However the "mysterious bad boy" at work begin to flirt with me...and the trap was set. Long story short: I slept with him before marriage; which caused guilt, which led into the choice of marrying him. (that is a whole other topic of God's grace that I could easily go off on right now; I will later because it is so good, but I want to focus on finding confidence). He was/is a very controlling, domineering, degrading person; therefore, the insecurities already in me were magnified, and I spent several years feeling unworthy. I went through severe depression being married to the darkness. The devil was celebrating and comfortable with my complete lack of confidence and inability to move forward in life because of it.

However....my Savior sees through the darkness, and His light shines bright enough to find the way back out. Christ has been building confidence in me for the last 8 years or so since I left my ex-husband. It has not been an easy road...but I am so thankful for the journey. You see the decision I made out of insecurity not only effected me...but to this day it effects two very amazing young boys- my sons. When we make decisions without connecting with God and waiting on His perfect timing...weather it is because we are impatient, think we know better, or like the old me...feel unworthy of God's amazing blessings...when we don't listen to His voice...not only do those decisions effect us....they may effect people we love as well. I wish the boys had an amazing man of God as their father...someone that mirrors the image of Christ, but they don't.

All because I did not know my worth or did not believe that I was wonderfully made and deserved only God's best.

We as women must know our worth in order to clearly see what God has in store for us; for when we know that God has a perfect plan for us because He loves us unconditionally and wants amazing things for us; then we can stand strong on those beliefs and wonderful things can happen...even better than the fairy tales we dream of, the love songs we sing, or the chic flicks we watch!

I personally know the challenges of facing the mirror and finding a reflection that smiles confidently back at you. Along the way there have been a few times I have faltered and stumbled; allowing my guard to drop when a man told me I was beautiful...after all it had been decades since hearing it, but it did not take me long to realize that he was not God's best; seeing as how he treated me more like a free whore than a friend...excuse the bluntness...but I really want to speak right to your heart right now. If a man can not even treat you to a nice dinner, do something thoughtful or sweet, or if he can only talk to you when he feels like it; going months without even a thought of you, or if a man only wants what he wants when he wants it...then YOU DESERVE MORE!

I love this quote from a Karen Kingsbury book, "A man should pursue you like a dying man pursues water in the desert."

I am so thankful that this time around I quickly regained ground, and allowed God to give me strength to cut the strings and walk away from that...even as hard as it was because ladies...it has been so long that I have the touch of a man...it hurts...I literally feel like my skin is going to crack, and then I will explode from the inside as my lonely heart tries desperately to get attention...

BUT....I KNOW MY WORTH AND I WANT IT GOD'S WAY OR NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Please hear my heart: first of all...if you, like me, have a past of ugly mistakes stemmed from insecure decision making...then know that hope is not lost...find Jesus at the foot of the cross, lay your mess down...leave it there...and pick up the crown that belongs to you because you are a child of a King; wear it with confidence and move forward into God's great plan for you!

If you are a young girl finding your way...the only way to find it is with Christ; allowing Him to daily remind you that you are His beloved and He has a perfect plan for you- yes you- the person he sees as beautiful! Let Him tell you those words that you long to hear from a man...and know that when He says them...He means them, and they are more than enough to fill your heart if you let them! Let your heart be wrapped up in the true Prince...then in His timing...He will send you a man of God that will pursue you in the right way and it will be more than you could imagine.

Know your worth and

Walk in Christ Confidence today!

The Devil Must Not Know About N.K.O.T.B.

We were cleaning this morning and one of my old favorite songs came on my iPod, "Hangin' Tough" by New Kids on the Block! Oh, yeah! Of course I have taught my boys this song; I mean you have to make sure as a parent you teach your kids about the important things in life, so we all took a break from cleaning, and rocked out!

"Don't cross our back cuz your gonna get stomped! We ain't gonna give anybody any slack, and if you try to keep us down we're gonna come right back! And you know we're hangin; tough. Hangin' tough. Hangin' tough. Are you tough enough?!"

We all get knocked down, we go through tough times...some more difficult, more challenging than others....but DON'T STAY DOWN! Tighten the ropes/connection between you and God, and get your act together! You loosen that connection with Christ, and you leave room for the Devil to come in and set up camp....and he will happily stick around as long as he is welcome....

So toughin' up!

Get the Word in you and come right back at the Devil raising up a new standard in your life, in your mind, in your work place, in your home...get tough and fight back against depression, insecurity, negativity, worry, fear, and all of the schemes of the Devil.

BECAUSE THROUGH CHRIST-

YOU ARE TOUGH ENOUGH!

A Hand to Hold

A few years ago, I went with Riley and his class on a field trip down to the aquarium. While there, we went out on the nature trail. I was in charge of Riley and two other boys; one boy wanted me to hold his hands while we were walking through the woods. As we were exploring nature, a man came up to us and told us to watch our step because a snake had just crossed over the path a few feet away from where we were standing. I said a kind thank you, and we kept walking. After a few steps, the boys asked quietly, "Ms. King are you scared?" I asked, "Why would you ask that?" He replied, "Because you are squeezing my hand."

This story came back to my memory the other night while laying in bed, and so many thoughts flooded my heart; therefore, I pray that a good messages comes through this post, and I just don't ramble on endlessly; venturing off aimlessly into so many different directions we all get lost! Now, for those of you who know me personally, you can see the challenge here!!!

Of course the obvious message here is facing fear. "God does not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7) If you struggle with fears in your life, you need to (like I have been doing for my son) speak this verse into your life daily. We can not face life afraid! God has too many great things in store for us that we do not want to miss out by sitting back in fear afraid to move! Fear is a trap of the enemy to distract us from God's plan. Step forward in Christ confidence! "Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you where ever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

Which leads me to...the unseen, the path ahead of us, the things we worry about, whatever we are facing...
Again, we need to step forward in confidence; knowing that whatever is out there...God has already prepared the way. He has gone before us and promised that "all things work together for the good for those who love God." (Romans 8:28)
So keep walking on His path without fear...take hold of the nail-scarred hand and walk forward in trust; knowing that your "steps are ordered by the Lord." (Psalm 37:23)

Speak these promises into your life today, and have faith that the Father will never let go of your hand as you walk with Him.

beneath the debris

If I take another step...if I make another sound...if I open my mouth one more time...if I breathe wrong again...everything will continue to explode. With each movement, I trigger another one as I stumble through this minefield; only to continue burying myself alive under all the debris.

This is what things have been like for the last few months; hence, the lack of writing since September. Turmoil, heartache, mourning, devastation, pain, loneliness, anger, and confusion have caused me to desperately cry out to God, "WHERE ARE YOU?!" Endless hours I spent alone in the dark crying and questioning everything. I actually began to truly believe either God never existed or He has actually left me completely alone for the first time in my life. I felt like he obviously was not there because my life was being destroyed and no one heard my cries, no one even cared....so I thought.

It was more than a pity party, it was more than "so ya had a bad day, take a wind down, sing a sad song" type ordeal, it was more than just one circumstance pulling me into the pit...it was the work of destruction and torment at its best. Unfortunately, for the devil....he forgot who he was messing with....

I AM A CHILD OF GOD! AND WITH THAT COMES SO MANY PROMISES THAT I AM ABLE TO SPEAK INTO MY LIFE AND KNOW THAT JESUS WILL FAITHFULLY FOLLOW THROUGH!

In that darkest hour, when I asked where are you God...He answered. As clear as day, I heard Him say, Psalm 31. Searching for my Bible, I was still doubting, until the words were before me and I could barely get through the chapter with all the weeping. Those verses were written for me in that moment and spoke to the depths of my heart. Jesus knows right where I am at. Jesus knows who I am. Jesus has a perfect plan for my life. Jesus cares about my pain and is there to lift the burden and to replace it with peace. Jesus is there to rescue me. Jesus is my fortress and my rock, and unto Him I will commit my Spirit. I will trust in Him!

In more ways than I can list, Jesus has been with me...He never left me. He had His peaceful and loving eyes on the weak and weary eyes of His child the whole time. He heard my pleas, He heard my shouts, He heard my heart shattering, He heard my body draining energy and strength with every step. So He picked me up....and held me close...and comforted me with His words and promises. He sent amazing people my way to encourage me and support me (I am so very thankful to you wonderful women in my life! You are awesome and I could not have done it without you!) He reminded me, that no matter how I felt...I was never alone.

If you are hurting today. Find His promises and speak them into your life. Read Psalm ,and so many other amazing verse of scripture that restore your Spirit and bring life into your heart and mind once again! Put on some praise music and sing to Him who is forever faithful. Because I promise you, no matter what you face, no matter how bad it gets....this is the truth to focus on: "When you call on Jesus, all things are possible, you can mount on wings like eagles and soar!"