If I take another step...if I make another sound...if I open my mouth one more time...if I breathe wrong again...everything will continue to explode. With each movement, I trigger another one as I stumble through this minefield; only to continue burying myself alive under all the debris.
This is what things have been like for the last few months; hence, the lack of writing since September. Turmoil, heartache, mourning, devastation, pain, loneliness, anger, and confusion have caused me to desperately cry out to God, "WHERE ARE YOU?!" Endless hours I spent alone in the dark crying and questioning everything. I actually began to truly believe either God never existed or He has actually left me completely alone for the first time in my life. I felt like he obviously was not there because my life was being destroyed and no one heard my cries, no one even cared....so I thought.
It was more than a pity party, it was more than "so ya had a bad day, take a wind down, sing a sad song" type ordeal, it was more than just one circumstance pulling me into the pit...it was the work of destruction and torment at its best. Unfortunately, for the devil....he forgot who he was messing with....
I AM A CHILD OF GOD! AND WITH THAT COMES SO MANY PROMISES THAT I AM ABLE TO SPEAK INTO MY LIFE AND KNOW THAT JESUS WILL FAITHFULLY FOLLOW THROUGH!
In that darkest hour, when I asked where are you God...He answered. As clear as day, I heard Him say, Psalm 31. Searching for my Bible, I was still doubting, until the words were before me and I could barely get through the chapter with all the weeping. Those verses were written for me in that moment and spoke to the depths of my heart. Jesus knows right where I am at. Jesus knows who I am. Jesus has a perfect plan for my life. Jesus cares about my pain and is there to lift the burden and to replace it with peace. Jesus is there to rescue me. Jesus is my fortress and my rock, and unto Him I will commit my Spirit. I will trust in Him!
In more ways than I can list, Jesus has been with me...He never left me. He had His peaceful and loving eyes on the weak and weary eyes of His child the whole time. He heard my pleas, He heard my shouts, He heard my heart shattering, He heard my body draining energy and strength with every step. So He picked me up....and held me close...and comforted me with His words and promises. He sent amazing people my way to encourage me and support me (I am so very thankful to you wonderful women in my life! You are awesome and I could not have done it without you!) He reminded me, that no matter how I felt...I was never alone.
If you are hurting today. Find His promises and speak them into your life. Read Psalm ,and so many other amazing verse of scripture that restore your Spirit and bring life into your heart and mind once again! Put on some praise music and sing to Him who is forever faithful. Because I promise you, no matter what you face, no matter how bad it gets....this is the truth to focus on: "When you call on Jesus, all things are possible, you can mount on wings like eagles and soar!"
