Wonderfully Made

My desire and prayer is that as women (young and old) we will know our value. (yes and men as well, but since I am a woman, I am going to write from a woman's heart/point of view) Spending most of my life feeling the weight of insecurity and reaping it's side effects, I have a passion to reach out to woman, young ladies, and sweet little girls like my seven nieces, and tell them how they are "fearfully and wonderfully made" as Psalm 139 says. Often I pray that a Christ confidence will be firmly established in them so that as they walk through life, they do so knowing their worth and value in order to make better choices.

This passion stems mainly from my biggest mistake; a mistake the whole world tried to warm me about....but insecurity took the forefront of my thoughts and decision making, causing a blind eye towards Godly wisdom and the hearts of those who love me. I married the wrong man. I went to a Christian college, and towards the end of my college life, many of my friends were dating each other and getting engaged...and I was not. However the "mysterious bad boy" at work begin to flirt with me...and the trap was set. Long story short: I slept with him before marriage; which caused guilt, which led into the choice of marrying him. (that is a whole other topic of God's grace that I could easily go off on right now; I will later because it is so good, but I want to focus on finding confidence). He was/is a very controlling, domineering, degrading person; therefore, the insecurities already in me were magnified, and I spent several years feeling unworthy. I went through severe depression being married to the darkness. The devil was celebrating and comfortable with my complete lack of confidence and inability to move forward in life because of it.

However....my Savior sees through the darkness, and His light shines bright enough to find the way back out. Christ has been building confidence in me for the last 8 years or so since I left my ex-husband. It has not been an easy road...but I am so thankful for the journey. You see the decision I made out of insecurity not only effected me...but to this day it effects two very amazing young boys- my sons. When we make decisions without connecting with God and waiting on His perfect timing...weather it is because we are impatient, think we know better, or like the old me...feel unworthy of God's amazing blessings...when we don't listen to His voice...not only do those decisions effect us....they may effect people we love as well. I wish the boys had an amazing man of God as their father...someone that mirrors the image of Christ, but they don't.

All because I did not know my worth or did not believe that I was wonderfully made and deserved only God's best.

We as women must know our worth in order to clearly see what God has in store for us; for when we know that God has a perfect plan for us because He loves us unconditionally and wants amazing things for us; then we can stand strong on those beliefs and wonderful things can happen...even better than the fairy tales we dream of, the love songs we sing, or the chic flicks we watch!

I personally know the challenges of facing the mirror and finding a reflection that smiles confidently back at you. Along the way there have been a few times I have faltered and stumbled; allowing my guard to drop when a man told me I was beautiful...after all it had been decades since hearing it, but it did not take me long to realize that he was not God's best; seeing as how he treated me more like a free whore than a friend...excuse the bluntness...but I really want to speak right to your heart right now. If a man can not even treat you to a nice dinner, do something thoughtful or sweet, or if he can only talk to you when he feels like it; going months without even a thought of you, or if a man only wants what he wants when he wants it...then YOU DESERVE MORE!

I love this quote from a Karen Kingsbury book, "A man should pursue you like a dying man pursues water in the desert."

I am so thankful that this time around I quickly regained ground, and allowed God to give me strength to cut the strings and walk away from that...even as hard as it was because ladies...it has been so long that I have the touch of a man...it hurts...I literally feel like my skin is going to crack, and then I will explode from the inside as my lonely heart tries desperately to get attention...

BUT....I KNOW MY WORTH AND I WANT IT GOD'S WAY OR NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Please hear my heart: first of all...if you, like me, have a past of ugly mistakes stemmed from insecure decision making...then know that hope is not lost...find Jesus at the foot of the cross, lay your mess down...leave it there...and pick up the crown that belongs to you because you are a child of a King; wear it with confidence and move forward into God's great plan for you!

If you are a young girl finding your way...the only way to find it is with Christ; allowing Him to daily remind you that you are His beloved and He has a perfect plan for you- yes you- the person he sees as beautiful! Let Him tell you those words that you long to hear from a man...and know that when He says them...He means them, and they are more than enough to fill your heart if you let them! Let your heart be wrapped up in the true Prince...then in His timing...He will send you a man of God that will pursue you in the right way and it will be more than you could imagine.

Know your worth and

Walk in Christ Confidence today!

The Devil Must Not Know About N.K.O.T.B.

We were cleaning this morning and one of my old favorite songs came on my iPod, "Hangin' Tough" by New Kids on the Block! Oh, yeah! Of course I have taught my boys this song; I mean you have to make sure as a parent you teach your kids about the important things in life, so we all took a break from cleaning, and rocked out!

"Don't cross our back cuz your gonna get stomped! We ain't gonna give anybody any slack, and if you try to keep us down we're gonna come right back! And you know we're hangin; tough. Hangin' tough. Hangin' tough. Are you tough enough?!"

We all get knocked down, we go through tough times...some more difficult, more challenging than others....but DON'T STAY DOWN! Tighten the ropes/connection between you and God, and get your act together! You loosen that connection with Christ, and you leave room for the Devil to come in and set up camp....and he will happily stick around as long as he is welcome....

So toughin' up!

Get the Word in you and come right back at the Devil raising up a new standard in your life, in your mind, in your work place, in your home...get tough and fight back against depression, insecurity, negativity, worry, fear, and all of the schemes of the Devil.

BECAUSE THROUGH CHRIST-

YOU ARE TOUGH ENOUGH!

A Hand to Hold

A few years ago, I went with Riley and his class on a field trip down to the aquarium. While there, we went out on the nature trail. I was in charge of Riley and two other boys; one boy wanted me to hold his hands while we were walking through the woods. As we were exploring nature, a man came up to us and told us to watch our step because a snake had just crossed over the path a few feet away from where we were standing. I said a kind thank you, and we kept walking. After a few steps, the boys asked quietly, "Ms. King are you scared?" I asked, "Why would you ask that?" He replied, "Because you are squeezing my hand."

This story came back to my memory the other night while laying in bed, and so many thoughts flooded my heart; therefore, I pray that a good messages comes through this post, and I just don't ramble on endlessly; venturing off aimlessly into so many different directions we all get lost! Now, for those of you who know me personally, you can see the challenge here!!!

Of course the obvious message here is facing fear. "God does not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7) If you struggle with fears in your life, you need to (like I have been doing for my son) speak this verse into your life daily. We can not face life afraid! God has too many great things in store for us that we do not want to miss out by sitting back in fear afraid to move! Fear is a trap of the enemy to distract us from God's plan. Step forward in Christ confidence! "Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you where ever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

Which leads me to...the unseen, the path ahead of us, the things we worry about, whatever we are facing...
Again, we need to step forward in confidence; knowing that whatever is out there...God has already prepared the way. He has gone before us and promised that "all things work together for the good for those who love God." (Romans 8:28)
So keep walking on His path without fear...take hold of the nail-scarred hand and walk forward in trust; knowing that your "steps are ordered by the Lord." (Psalm 37:23)

Speak these promises into your life today, and have faith that the Father will never let go of your hand as you walk with Him.

beneath the debris

If I take another step...if I make another sound...if I open my mouth one more time...if I breathe wrong again...everything will continue to explode. With each movement, I trigger another one as I stumble through this minefield; only to continue burying myself alive under all the debris.

This is what things have been like for the last few months; hence, the lack of writing since September. Turmoil, heartache, mourning, devastation, pain, loneliness, anger, and confusion have caused me to desperately cry out to God, "WHERE ARE YOU?!" Endless hours I spent alone in the dark crying and questioning everything. I actually began to truly believe either God never existed or He has actually left me completely alone for the first time in my life. I felt like he obviously was not there because my life was being destroyed and no one heard my cries, no one even cared....so I thought.

It was more than a pity party, it was more than "so ya had a bad day, take a wind down, sing a sad song" type ordeal, it was more than just one circumstance pulling me into the pit...it was the work of destruction and torment at its best. Unfortunately, for the devil....he forgot who he was messing with....

I AM A CHILD OF GOD! AND WITH THAT COMES SO MANY PROMISES THAT I AM ABLE TO SPEAK INTO MY LIFE AND KNOW THAT JESUS WILL FAITHFULLY FOLLOW THROUGH!

In that darkest hour, when I asked where are you God...He answered. As clear as day, I heard Him say, Psalm 31. Searching for my Bible, I was still doubting, until the words were before me and I could barely get through the chapter with all the weeping. Those verses were written for me in that moment and spoke to the depths of my heart. Jesus knows right where I am at. Jesus knows who I am. Jesus has a perfect plan for my life. Jesus cares about my pain and is there to lift the burden and to replace it with peace. Jesus is there to rescue me. Jesus is my fortress and my rock, and unto Him I will commit my Spirit. I will trust in Him!

In more ways than I can list, Jesus has been with me...He never left me. He had His peaceful and loving eyes on the weak and weary eyes of His child the whole time. He heard my pleas, He heard my shouts, He heard my heart shattering, He heard my body draining energy and strength with every step. So He picked me up....and held me close...and comforted me with His words and promises. He sent amazing people my way to encourage me and support me (I am so very thankful to you wonderful women in my life! You are awesome and I could not have done it without you!) He reminded me, that no matter how I felt...I was never alone.

If you are hurting today. Find His promises and speak them into your life. Read Psalm ,and so many other amazing verse of scripture that restore your Spirit and bring life into your heart and mind once again! Put on some praise music and sing to Him who is forever faithful. Because I promise you, no matter what you face, no matter how bad it gets....this is the truth to focus on: "When you call on Jesus, all things are possible, you can mount on wings like eagles and soar!"

just a lil somethin'...

Here is just a little something that I popped up and wrote somewhere in the night. Its a rap...cuz that's how I roll...lol. I picture someone like Toby Mac tearin' it up. Well, actually my first image came as (and this is how you know mommy never gets the TV...even though I do like this show) the very talented ventriloquist from Victorious, Robbie Shapiro (Matt Bennett) and his puppet Rex; since on the iParty with Victorious episode where he did a lil rhyme time action, it made me think of him first...laugh now...but seriously how awesome would it be if he actually did rap it for millions of young viewers to hear...see even a puppet can be a powerful pathway to the light of Christ :) Dream BIG people cuz we serve a God with no limits!

Sometimes we go through the fire
but call on God cuz in it he does inspire
Turns me into who he wants me to be
Who in His eyes sees a far greater me.
As I'm going through the test
I must remember to let Him figure out the rest.
Leave it in His very capable hands.
Its not always for me to understand.
I have to let go - hold nothin' back
in my God there isn't anything that I lack.
He has the master mind and plan
so on His solid rock I will stand
and watch it unfold bringing me into new light
faithfully the fight of faith I will fight
to bring others into the kingdom of everlasting love
with a Lord who conquered the grave and rose above.
All He ask is that I do the same
to rise above and bring glory to His powerful name.
Its a little thing for me to give my all
even when I feel unworthy of the call.
But I keep my eyes fully on Him
praying "this little light of mine" never grows dim.
Callin' out "You are the potter and I am the clay,
mold me into Your image this very day."
Let God be the number one thing in me others see
cuz in the end...He is all we really need.

For My Boys

I love being a mom....

I love the cuddle times and giant hugs. I love watching them grow and learn. I love their personalities and seeing them find things they love like: around the time Brayden was born Riley loved two things, hot wheel cars and anything with a steering wheel. I love that every night he would lay in my bed pushing hot wheel cars around until he fell asleep (with Nemo-on VHS- playing in the background on the TV) A few years later he loved non-fiction books; he came home often from the library having checked out these large field guides! Now his love is still for hot wheels (we have a board that I painted years ago with roads and buildings on it they love playing with all the time). He loves LEGOS!! He loves having company over - he is very social and loving. I love his sweet, thoughtful spirit! I love watching him take care of kids younger than him, and always being kind to others- saying sweet things. He loves stuffed-animals. He also loves riding bikes, and he loves wearing those rubber bracelets; has them all way up arm! Brayden...he loves sports and being active! If he can jump, flip, kick, hit, run, throw, catch, and tackle he is happy. He used to love to play dress up all the time; he loved his super hero outfits - Brayden became Batman often! He loves sharks. He loves dogs. It seems the bigger the better with him. He is my mini stuntman. I love his adventurous personality! Right now he loves BASKETBALL! He wanted a basketball notebook so bad the other day so I got it and he actually sat down and wrote a story about basketball in it! His Aunt Misa and Uncle Brandon bought him one of those basketball nets you can hang on a door....you always hear him slam-dunking in his room! I love watching him play sports and be aggressive staying on the ball! He loves music; he will take his ipod and listen to music often; you can hear him singing.
Then comes the dancing!! I love the dancing fun times in our house. We all love to break it down! LOL. I love playing games with my boys...although Brayden and I can be a tad competitive...lol...and they both can actually beat me at chess! At 7 & 9 years old, they are awesome at it! I love just sitting together on the couch watching movies together. I love hearing them quote and laugh about a good movie later....I LOVE HEARING THEM LAUGH!!! I love Riley's dimples appearing as his huge grin brightens my day :) I love the silly things they say that make me smile. I love that they have begun leaving me sweet, surprising notes like I do for them...one day I found a note on my desk saying "have a good day love BK", and I walked over to Brayden to asked if he left me a note; he shyly and sweetly smiled and nodded...I LOVE those moments.

Brayden will reach so many people for the kingdom of God because of his strong will as he will always stand for what he believes in. He doesn't hold back, and then when you don't expect it- his gentleness comes through and melts your heart...Brayden will make a great man of God that will be an example to his his wife and children someday. I LOVE how Riley is so thoughtful and helpful and giving! He is a great young man of God, and will be an amazing husband and father someday because of those special qualities. He will also reach many for Christ because of his love and compassion.

I love how we play eye-spy at dinner every night. I love our prayer times before bed. I used to love wrestling with them...being a single mom I felt I needed to learn to do this because boys will be boys...but now they hurt me so I back down...lol...this is where I am praying for a tag team partner...one who is a strong an amazing man of God, who will lead by example for these two little men I love dearly. I love reading with them and hearing how much they have learned at school...not that boys really like talking much about school, but...I get things out of them every now and then and love hearing it. LOL. I love hearing them sing praise and worship songs. I love that one day I didn't feel good, and I was tucking boys in; I went to give Riley a hug, and when I pulled away he said wait, and hung on for awhile...then he said ok and let go...he said, "I was praying for you."

Have I mentioned....I love being a mom....

And I love talking to my mom about being a mom...thank you mom for being an amazing mom and loving me and supporting me through everything. Moms are very special. Let your mom know it today. If you have suffered the greatest loss I could never imagine...loosing your mom...I am praying for you today...my mom is going through this, and the hurt is unbearable...but I do know that Grandma is with her Creator, her Savior, her King of Kings and Lord of Lords, and she is in a better place. I do know that Christ can bring comfort, and peace, and strength when we need it most. I do know that Christ is the father figure we need to pattern our parenting after...I pray that I am a mother that shows the love of Christ at all times, and always points my boys to the direction of Jesus.

Game Time

Do you ever feel like you just want to quit...just pack it all up and crawl away? (using verb crawl because overwhelming stress and exhaustion does not help with confident posture)

I used to really like playing the game of Life when I was a little kid! (remember that board game? Not sure if they still have it...but it was fun) Now I'm an adult playing the reality version...when did that happen?! Why did I choose the wrong paths at time? How did I get here?

Don't get me wrong...I very much love my life, love being a mom more than anything, and I know I'm blessed....but it's still life....not easy breezy lemon squeezy all the time this we all know...but do we know what to do when things go sour?

We live this verse out with Christ as our strength to do it,

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything with prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving we present our request to God". AND THIS IS THE BEST PART SO PAY ATTENTION! "and the PEACE OF GOD which surpasses all understanding (you know all those things weighing you down = His peace trumps those things) will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus."

My heart was heavy when I began writing this tonight....but He is lifting those things from me, wiping my tears, holding me close, and filling me with peace as I finish this...praying same for you! Love ya :)

Changing Verbs

I have changed some verbs in my life...from searching to waiting. I'm done daily seeking after what I think I want and I'm ready to wait on what God has for me. If it's not what God has for me, it's not gonna be what I really want or need when I get it on my own my own way! I've also went from begging to asking and believing. It works and I'm also left with a peace and confidence. Instead of a tear stained pillow and a headache from all the tantrums of not getting it now! God is doing amazing things in my life and I'm so thankful for His loving correction, His faithfulness, His strength, and His promises, and His peace!

Allow Him to search your heart...maybe some changes need to be made...let Him do the work-you just do the accepting of all He has for you. As you go through the changes it may be tough, or it may be easier than you thought once you just let go. Either way the results are you growing closer into the image of your Creator and a life filled with joy and peace!

Christ Confident

Starting a new school year in T-Minus 4 days!

Any time you start something new or go into the unknown...it can be a little scary at first. Anxiety, worry, doubts can all start to play on your emotions, and the overwhelming power of those things can destroy someone without warning. This year I am going to be teaching a new grade level, and I am looking forward to it and moving ahead in Christ confidence! This is something a little new to me...I am usually the formerly listed mess above...but not this year. I am attacking this year with positive speaking and a confidence that will not be shaken because it is firmly rooted in the solid rock of Christ. I am excited for the new adventures and learning growth. I also know God will continue to give me the daily strength, energy, and wisdom I need not only to be a wonderful teacher...but also (and more importantly) to be a rockin' awesome mom to these two goofy boys that keep me smiling :)

Weather you are a parent of children starting school, a college student, a pre-teen/teenager facing middle school for the first time, a high school student lost in the jungle trying to sort your way through the chaos and find your own independence and assurance of who you are...my prayer is that you face this year in confidence. Christ confidence. Know that you are created by a powerful God who loves you, and He created you with a purpose. In that you can stand tall and smile this year! Remember no matter what you face this year...YOU DO NOT FACE IT ALONE!

I was just at a work party and this cute little boy (maybe 2 years old) was running all around the gym in such excitement and confidence not worried about what was going on around him...now the amazing thing was...it was in the middle of a major dodge ball game! Lots of teachers, their husbands (some pretty tall, strong men), and their kids of all ages spread across the gym throwing balls with a mighty strength, and big threats--showing no mercy! Yet here was this little man running around happy as can be while balls flew right by him! At one point he even laid back on the floor...just chillin'! This is how I challenge all of us to walk through this year--no matter what we face, no matter what goes on around us, no matter what bully we may run into, no matter what peer pressure seems to be swarming madly all around trying to strike us in many directions, no matter how overwhelming the work seems to be...STAY CONFIDENT! KNOW THAT CHRIST IS YOUR STRENGTH AND HE PROMISES ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM!

Count The Ways

Oh, Summer...How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

1. flip flops

2. chasing the waves with the boys at the beach

3. spending more time with family in OH.

4. out on the boat...wish I had one...lol

5. more time with my boys (teacher off work)

6. summer reading

7. sleeping in

8. flip flops (I have an obsession)

9. water parks

10. cookouts

11. the ditch lilies come out

12. relaxing at the beach...sand between my toes...soothing sound of waves crashing

13. bright Carolina blue sky

14. sleeping in

15. cool pool water on hot day

NOW YOUR TURN: comment/count the reasons why you love summer! see if we can get to 100 :)

old t-shirt

God's comfort is like the old t-shirt you never want to take off or give up. It is like your favorite pair of pajama pants that you throw on the minute you get home to relax, breathe, and sink cozily into. God's comfort goes even deeper still...it is there when your pillow is flooded with tears and all seems to be crashing in. His comfort is there in the perfect hug he sends in a special person. His comfort is there as you stare at the powerful, yet peaceful ocean waves allowing the beauty to calm your soul. His comfort is there in the words of an encouraging text from a loved one. His comfort is there in the cuddle time with your kids as their sweet, chubby, little hands wrap around you allowing you to once again know that all is well. His comfort is there in a sweet surprise, a sunny day, fresh flowers, laughter with friends, and phone calls with family. His comfort is there when you get terrible news...but yet you keep pushing forward in faith. His comfort is there in the promises of His word.

God's comfort is ever present. Allow Him to soothe your soul today, and give you peace and strength to press on with diligence...becoming victorious in Christ against all odds. No matter what you are facing today...you are not facing it alone. God is there always as He has promised. My heart is aching for many reasons, it is aching for many I know that are hurting...but I lay it all at the feet of my father and breathe in His peace. The comfort of Christ comes at the call of His name. Be here with me Jesus. And be with my loved ones who are suffering and allow Your comfort to override the pain. Thank you Lord.

8th Dwarf

Snow White has seven dwarfs not eight; therefore, I need to stop being Mopey!! Although many of my friends would tease that I could pass for one of her dwarfs by height requirements alone; I don't need to become one by personality plunge--diving deeper into a Mopey pouting pit. So instead why don't I try and pass for Snow White...pale skin-check...and begin to whistle while I work; staying positive while praising my Savior no matter what the circumstances!!

While I was in Ohio I went to my sister's church and heard a great message that really helped put me in check. Her pastor from Faith Family Church, Mike Cameneti, was talking about faith and how we are to ask things from God in faith...and here's the kicker...not begging/whining/crying for what we want....yeah...ouch...hurt me too! Soooo that is what I have been doing wrong. All these years of being alone and crying myself to sleep every night, I was begging God for a Prince Charming after torturing myself by watching another sappy chick flick marathon. My negative mouth kept the complaints coming about how lonely I was, how long it has been since I have been touched by a man, or talked to by a man, or even looked at by a man and how miserable it all was; well still is, but with the words of that Pastor my attitude was snapped back into place. Yes we can ask God for things, but ask in confident faith.

My outlook needed to change. The boys and I are blessed, very much taken care of by a faithful Father, and we are doing very well. I am finally at the stage where I can say I am content with the place I am at. I am asking and believing God for things in faith, but then letting it go and letting him work...without any back talk from mouthy little me! :) Stay positive and speak positive-- that equals positive results!

Whirlpool

I was going to write about this last night while I was going through it, but I was honestly for the first time afraid of what I would say on here. I have been very ill (and not sick...this is southern for mad...lol..I have learned that living here) and hurt the last few days with someone; feeling like I could just punch them in the face (just being transparent here and besides when you have massive muscles like mine it is tempting to want to use them...lol), anyways I didn't want all the details of that to come out. Then that mixed with insecurities that have been flooding back in, and then were magnified by another comment from someone; the reflection in the mirror has not been smiling back at me lately. Sometimes I feel like this insecurity battle is like the waves on the shore of a beach...in and sucked back out, pushed back in, and then out again...a constant threat that keeps me unstable. The continuous battle has been making me feel like and insufficient, unworthy Christian. Then it was all topped off with fear, and I was trapped in the whirlpool spirally quickly downward gaining in speed, strength, and size as it spun on.

I was driving back from a friends in the dark experiencing the lovely mixture of emotions, and since the door was open, Satan came barging in. Let me explain an earlier situation first. Wednesday I got on the highway to leave Ohio and drive the 10 hours back to NC, when suddenly I hit a deer. It was dark (4:30 am), and it came out of nowhere slamming into the front driver's side bumper. Needless to say the boys and I were pretty shook up. After my gut-wrenching scream though, God immediately brought peace over me in order to get the boys to calm down. I am so thankful for that. He gave me the strength to stay at peace, and get back in the car, and make the drive safely home...with $2,275 worth of damage done to the car...but we were safe and that is what is important. Yet, on the drive from my friends house last night, as I was in turmoil over some things...would you believe that Devil through fear on the table, and I begin panicking looking for deer slowing my speed well below the limit...

I got home collapsed on the couch and cried. Then I got these sweet words from a friend on Facebook; saying the boys were blessed to have me as a mom and that my faith was inspiring...I thought, man if she could see me now what would she think?!

Time to fight back. Time to pray. Time to call out to my Savior.

"Jesus, please I need You. I cannot do this on my own. I'm hurting. I'm frustrated. I'm acting out of emotions and reacting to circumstances instead of standing firm on the truth. Help me Lord. Cleanse my heart and mind Lord. Take Your brillow pad and scrub me clean, brushing away all that is not of You, Lord. Take Your pliers and pull away all the pain. Do Your work on me Lord and fill me with Your peace, strength, wisdom, and love. I thank You, Jesus for Your gentleness, and compassion, and grace even while cleaning me up in order to shine for You. I thank You, Jesus for Your faithfulness and love that comes in my weakest moments without fail. I am so thankful that You are not a God who sits on His throne with a scoring card checking it off every time I fail or fall backwards. You are just there with open arms to pull me up and push me forward with Your strength. I thank You for the promises in Your word that I can stand on even after attacks from the enemy. With You as my strength, I will not stay down, but rise once again to praise Your name Jesus. Amen."

just a lump of mud

"Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, You are the potter; we are all the work of Your hand." Isaiah 64:8

Why do we try to reverse the roles? Why do we think that we have to be the one to make ourselves into this perfect image...it's His job...so let Him do it.

Stop struggling with the idea that you are not good enough and you mess up to much; so you're cracked, and scratched, and bruised, and scarred, but let the powerful hands of Christ be the one to smooth away those rough edges, molding you into His image.

We can't do it on our own, in our own strength, so we need to stop trying. Daily we need to keep giving our life over to Christ and allow him to do the shaping and refining; trusting in His plan that He can use a variety of ways to do that. We complain and/or question life, circumstances, places we are at...but yet we never know what Christ is using as tools to create a masterpiece in us. Not only can he use circumstances or places in our lives, like our jobs, to work on us, but He may also have you exactly where He wants you in order to reach out to certain people; therefore do not miss out on the those opportunities by trying to take away the control of the Potter and work things out your own way....because you are just a lump of mud my friend.

The good news is, you are a lump of mud that is found precious, worthy, and beautiful in the eyes of Jesus. He has great plans for your life, so just let the Potter do His job!

In an Instant

My three year old niece was doing my hair this morning while I was holding my 3 month old niece...life was good. I only get to Ohio about 2 times a year so getting to spend time with my family is very precious to me. I was in charge of 5 kids today: my two boys and 3 of my nieces...well and a 6th kid if you count Papaw (just kidding Bill, love ya)! LOL. We were having a great morning, but all can change in an instant. Next thing I knew the baby was crying and my hair was getting ripped from the roots of my scalp from the 3 year old! Maybe the baby was showing some sympathy for me! And in the other room one boy was hitting another with a dog leash...so it want from peace to chaos in 1.5 seconds! LOL...and just in case any of the parents of these children read this, really all is well, don't worry...well my scalp is still a little sore, but I am sure none of them are too concerned with my pain. Oh, no wait...I spoke too soon, all may not be well. My younger son just yelled up from the playroom, "Mom, Riley just got hurt and it's not my fault, I'm Innocent!" Right....

Anyways...this is life.

All can be smooth sailing, and then a storm hits.

However,I was quickly able to retrieve the brush from my hair, get the older kids to behave, and soothe the baby with a song by Kari Jobe. If you are dealing with situations that have upset your once peaceful life, or if you are constantly surrounded by depression and chaos, then I challenge you to cry out to an amazing Savior with these words. He promises when you call out to Him, He will answer.

"The more I seek You, the more I find You. The more I find You, the more I love You. I want to sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand, lay back against You and breathe, feel Your heartbeat. This love is so deep, its more than I can stand. I melt in Your peace, its overwhelming to me."

Even if the sirens of the storms are wailing all around you,

Jesus will surround you with peace

Buffet Style

Well...as usual there is a lot on my mind. Maybe it is because even on vacation we are staying so busy, and I am really tired because I have been on the go, and I have not been sleeping well; whatever the cause my mind is swarming with thoughts again so you may get a smorgasbord of stories here today. Since I am having a hard time choosing just one thing to write about today, I pray from the display of my mixture of emotions you can pick up something encouraging.

Fears, insecurities, negativism, loneliness, bitterness,and confusion are just some of the paths I may venture off into. My first thought was to write on fears since Sunday I watched my nine year old be tormented with fear to the point he made himself sick. We went to Kalahari Water Park in Sandusky, Ohio and it was awesome! However, Riley had a hard time warming up to the water slides. He cried to the point of hyperventilating the whole way up the many flights of stairs as he was put into a large tube to be shoved down an enormous dark tunnel. I tried praying out loud over him,quoting scripture, using comforting words, obviously the forcing him to face his fears method, and many other things...but he still bawled his eyes out. Now it all turned out alright and he eventually loved the place, went on all the slides, and had a great time. But I was left feeling horrible not knowing if I did the right thing by having him face his fears. I was left feeling awful for being so firm with him. But how do you get a child to face something that you have dealt with for decades? It was not until a few years back when God delivered me from my fears during a tornado warning while I was in the bathroom with two sleeping toddlers thinking how in the world am I going to protect the two most important things to me in the world...when God's peace came over me, and I remembered He is in control.

Talking with my niece, I had a similar situation happen where again I was telling someone how to deal with something that has taken me through daily battles for over 15 years. Insecurity. How do you get a young, beautiful, smart, talented, amazing preteen to believe in herself while at the same time you are so upset over the disgusting looking pictures someone shared of you on Facebook. This weight battle has really got me being sucked back into serious frustration. But like all battles...you have to actually pick up a weapon and fight back. I don't have all the answers to all that I am facing. For example with the above problem with my son and his fears, I would love feedback on, some suggestions on what do you do...I want to be a good mom and I love them so much. I don't have all the answers but I do know that when facing a deceptive opponent who will do anything to pull me into his darkness, I CAN NOT just sit back and allow myself to be sucked it to it.

We have to take a stand. We have to fight back. If I want to loose weight I can't keep shoving my face with sweets and comfort food, it is not going to work. I have to get moving and make some changes in my bad habits with food. Time and effort are two things we don't like about a battle. Some battles take longer than others and they all take effort on your part to stand up and fight, but the outcome will be worth it versus the alternative of a dark destructive lifestyle.

Negative speaking can be another destructive bad habit that needs to be broken before it breaks you and others around you. That is just something else I have been thinking about. I don't want to be so caught up in what is wrong with my life or what is not happening that I miss all the blessing and favor of God that He is daily pouring out on me. I don't want to be a bitter, depressive person person that allows circumstances to dictate my personality. No, I want to be a light. I want the joy of the Lord to fill my soul and overflow to all those around me. So once again...I have to do the work in the battle...when the negative thoughts come pouring in...I fight back with the Word-the truth of God. This is why it is so important to get in Bible and get those promises written upon your heart, because when an attack comes you can pick up the powerful weapon of truth and fight hard. And the best part...because if you know me you know I love to win...well if God is on my side- I DO WIN!

I know this is long and my mind seems to be full of confusion right now, but...let me end it with telling you about His peace. Some of you may face the frustrating problem of an over-active mind like I do and things like this happen often; a whirlwind of thoughts try to drown out the only voice that matters. Well, when it happens again we have to take an action, we have to seek after Jesus through all the confusion because when you seek Him, you WILL FIND HIM. Get out your Bible, put your praise music on, and go after your loving Savior with full force; the rest will fade away as His peace takes over. I set out in my mom's 17 acre back yard last night watching the stars above just breathing in His peace allowing Him to strip away all the stress. I was was reminded that He put the stars in their place, He is in control of all this beauty around me, and He has my life under control as well.

So, I guess the moral of this mess is no matter what your facing today, face it with Christ...His buffet serves up and abundance of peace, joy, love, wisdom, and strength.

Interrupted

"Decide that you don't mind being inconvenienced or interrupted, and God will use you to make a difference." -Joyce Meyer

When I read this quote it struck right through my heart...lately I have been complaining about some things in my life and some changes happening in certain areas. Then stopping around fussing even more over the lack of changes in other areas in which I want something to happen.

Who am I to question God's plan. Who am I to argue with perfection? What if those things that are changing are setting the stage for the things that I actually want to change to happen. Maybe those things that are changing are allowing me to be used to draw more people to the light of Christ.

So why do we wrestle with God? I am a single mom of two boys, and I have learned how to have a good wrestling match...for a 5 foot tall woman I am pretty tough! LOL. But why do I wrestle with God's plan when His outcome works all things out for good.

I am also someone who loves certain change...in fact I desperately need certain changes to happen or I get frustrated and antsy. For example, one day I decided to chop my long hair off into a bob cut out of the blue. Also, I am constantly rearranging my apartment. So...as long as it is change initiated by myself I am OK with that...but why do I fuss and whine when my Heavenly Father, who knows best, decides to interrupt my life?

God, I am sorry for my childish tantrums, and I trust in Your ultimate plan for my life. I want to be used by You to share Your love to those who feel unlovable. I want to be used by You to help turn chaos to peace. I want to be used by You to do greater works than what Jesus did during his time here on Earth because that is what Your Word promises. If that takes change to happen in my life that I think I am not ready for, or don't want...help me to welcome it with open arms and just trust in You. Also, allow the changes to further mold me into Your image, Jesus.

Blurred Vision

Why is it that when I look at myself or catch a reflection...I still see the woman that was called obese, a woman with a weight problem, a woman full of insecurities. I know how far I have come and I know all that God has done in my life and it infuriates me that the devil tries to pull me back into the pit of deception, the place where my unworthiness outweighs the truth that comes from a Heavenly Father who loves me with such unmeasurable depth.

I know I am writing a lot about weight issues lately, but this is the present giant I am facing...well this is a reoccurring giant I go into battle with often, as do a lot of people. The fight against insecurity is what gives me the passion to write and reach out to others because I personally know the destruction it causes...not only to yourself, but eventually it leaks into your entire life and can affect so many other aspects in the process of its destruction.

Anything that takes up your thoughts and begins to take over your life can be an addiction...mine is food. I love food, but I want to have a healthy love for food. I love to cook and create and play with knives in the kitchen...lol...I love watching food network and enjoy seeing their masterpieces come to life, I don't want that to change, but I want the addiction to feeding my darkness places in my mind with doughnuts to stop! It does not take a psychology degree to know why I overeat you can just read a few blog post or talk to me for a bit...I want the love of an amazing man that seems more mythical than the mighty Greek gods. I am a single mom (which I love more than life) but it is not always easy, especially starting a new teaching career which requires endless hours of work (which I also love my job). My dreams often seem to be crushed: being healthy and in good shape, marriage, Italy, and a house. Therefore, I get discourage/anxious and I eat. This was me a few years ago:

I know you are thinking well at least you have an inner tube handy for the pool :) Sorry, couldn't help myself. I am just frustrated with myself right now...but...not so much with the weight finding its way back into my life again...but with the lies I that are blurring my vision again. I know who I am in Christ. You may say, well I've seen you write that before, seems like you have to keep reminder yourself....well...I do, I have to take up the cross daily as I am being transformed, so...I struggle with insecurity, BUT I AM NOT DEFEATED BY IT...NOT ANYMORE!

I may take a few hits, but I am an even harder hitter! Those pictures don't define who I am, my weight struggles do not define who I am, the sex symbols of our world that I find myself longing to look like do not define who I am. CHRIST DOES. I am a beautiful, strong, confident woman of God. I have said it before and I will continue to say it as I fight for those of us who daily face our reflections with regrets and remorse.

God sees your heart not the size of your skinny jeans...which is good because momma can't get into her regular jeans right now, let alone think of shopping for the skinny jeans! My passion is to get myself and you to know that we are loved by Jesus and we matter to Him. My desire is to help you believe your worth. You were worth a cross to Christ. His love is UNCONDITIONAL and EVERLASTING. So seek after Him with a confident smile and feel His peace override your pain. Stop listening to your own self criticism and start listening to the words of Christ.

*Now I not going to go over this an edit right now because I am going to go enjoy life and take my boys out to ride thier bikes, so I hope my heart speaks through and if their are a ton of grammatical errors you will forgive me. Enjoying life is what it is all about, not sitting back in defeat. Smile today, there is hope in Jesus!

Reminder

Just a reminder to you...and defiantly to myself, to be positive! A smile is your most attractive feature :) Yes life has its ups and downs, but through it allow God to build you up during the down times, challenge you, and mold you more into His image while keeping a joyful attitude. That is not to say there is not a time for morning and hurting, but overall your life should speak volumes for Christ. And...constant bitterness and negative mindsets do not show the sweet side of our Savior. You can choose to be a black hole to be around or a Sonshine. I choose Sonshine allowing my life to showcase the joy and peace of Jesus.

"Oops I Did it Again"

I know, Brittany Spears already did it, but...the title fits the post. Let me take you to the dark side of me for a bit. And then I want to leave you with the hope that no matter how dirty your dark side is...His light can penetrate though, and and He can see someone He loves.

Please prepare yourself as some of these images I paint may not be too pretty. I want to talk about the human side of me...we are after all human; therefore, not perfect. I love the verse that says, "being transformed into His image" because God has to continue to form me into His image. (2 Corinth. 3:18) The verse does not say once we accept Christ we are automatically perfect and will never screw up again. It does not say...and this is what I believe holds a lot of people back from entering the doors of a church...before you can even come to Christ, or before you can even think about Him accepting you, you had better clean yourself up! No...it says being transformed. So am I gonna mess up...oh yeah...let me share a little.

First of all, if you have not read my post, "I have a problem" from a few days ago you may want to start with that and then come back because....I did it again...ALTHOUGH...fully clothed this time!!!! Praise the Lord!!! Even showered and did my hair just to make sure I was actually ready to go to the store this time. Because let's face it...I am over thirty, and what I did was just not good if you ladies know what I mean! LOL. Anyways, I had to rush off to the store yet again just to get a decadent brownie, well...that and TP--which is what I used as the spoken justification for the quick errand. I have not stopped shoveling in food for a long time. So I am often left with the feeling of weakness...

Moving onto a deeper darkness...my thoughts. I don't know which is worse actually my lust for food or a man... I woke up this morning again with impure thoughts...won't go into the details of that...let's just say I have been single for over seven years now without even being taken out on a date, so...my thoughts do no always veer towards the path of becoming a nun as the impurities tend to play like a theatrical trailer in my mind. So, should I hold my head down in shame and give up? Perhaps I should just fall into those thoughts time and time again and allow the passion to take over persuading me to act upon them over and over. In the past I have allowed my desires to override my moral compass so maybe that has scarred me for life anyways. Because why would the Holy, Almighty God want anything to do with me?!

People sometimes say, "well if you only knew my story" or, "if you only knew what was in my heart and mind," well...God does know...so what does He think about me and my mess?

Here is answer to that:

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that WHOEVER BELIEVES in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16 (doesn't say whoever is perfect)

And as far as your faults...

"My GRACE is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinth. 12:9

Jesus still loves you and can use you...you and all your imperfections because when He looks at you all He sees is...His beloved creation. He is calling to you and longing for you to run into His open arms of love. Stop looking at your sins and look to your Savior!

Because, "For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!" We are sinners through Adam, but we are righteous through Christ!

Now does any of this give us a license to sin...by no means! What it does is allow us to seek after Him for forgiveness when we do mess up, then move on! The more we fall in love with Jesus the more those desires will fade away, and He will give us the strength to push through them and press on!

FIGHTER

I'm in the mood today to just put on some boxing gloves and punch the devil in the face, and remind him he don't win this thing!! The champion has already been decided, and it is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

Yes, I know that sounds a little harsh and we are supposed to be lovers- not fighters, but....there is a battle going on, and I am a warrior for Christ. There are too many people that need to see the light, and I will fight for their life!

If the devil had a Twitter page he would be watching the number of his followers going down right now because I am praying and believing that those lost and hurting will look up and see arms of love open for them. The will call on the name of Jesus and be saved!

It breaks my heart to see those I love trapped in chains of insecurity, depression, fears, hatred, bitterness, worries....BUT NO MORE IN THE POWERFUL NAME OF JESUS HE IS SETTING CAPTIVES FREE!

Pray and believe with me today, get out of that deceiving mindset that makes you believe: what is will always be and there is no way that person is going to change...and remember NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD! Therefore, don't give up on them. PRAY HARDER AND BELIEVE.

I thank you Lord because I know that you are reaching out to those I love, You are calling to them, and I know they will find you. They are Your children, Your beloved and You have not given up on them and neither will I. Thank You Jesus. Amen!

Really???

WARNING I MAY RAMBLE THIS MORNING!!

I have been trying to get better at not rambling on and making my blog post short and to the point...but for anyone who really knows me...this is a hard task; I'm a talker and proud of it! LOL. The mornings are the hardest times for my thoughts on this subject so I am just going to let it flow here and hopefully get some answers, and in the process bring some much needed hope not only to myself, but others who deal with the same pain of loneliness that I do.

My question: do fairy tales really exist?

I live in a wonderful imaginary world where they do in my mind. I have a very vivid imagination which makes it hard to go to sleep at night and to get out of bed in the mornings because I am lost in dreams of romance, passion, and love. If I step out of the bed...all is lost, and it is back to spending day after day alone.

In Pretty Woman, Vivian states, "I want the fairy tale." In the end, he rides in and rescues her. In Letters to Juliet, he climbs the balcony and declares his love for her. In Cinderella he places the glass slipper on her foot, and they live happily ever after.....I know, I am a pathetic romantic. I climb right up on cloud nine and get all comfortable and giddy as I watch or read about romance. I play endless hours of romantic first kisses, and enchanting meetings of Mr. Right, and breathtaking weddings in my mind. Longing for them to become real, my heart spends so much time aching over the lack of touch by a man. It hurts and tries to draw me back into insecurity every time I think about love....why does no one want me? Why don't I have the fairy tale?

Now, I love a good action packed show as well. I have tried to watch those more instead of my extensive collection of chic flicks in order to rid my brain of the mushy gushy mess, but even those don't help...because then my Prince Charming has Paul Walker's face speeding into my life in a hot car to take me far far away, or Shia Labeouf picking me up for a date in Bumblebee; so that does not rid me of my pathetic fantasy problem at all. LOL.

Since summer started, it is books that pull me into the world of love. I have been reading Karen Kingsbury since I am off for summer. I'm on my fourth book and we just got out of school June 15th. If you have never read any of her books, let me just give a short commercial for her: if you want to find hope and love in the mist of heartache and pain....read her books. She does an amazing job of showing how God can work miracles and permeate your life with such peace and fill your heart with joy and love no matter what battles you go through. And of course, there is the romance....I was going to describe one for you, but one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone tells me what happens in a book/movie so I will just say, I was very much wanting these two characters to meet, and when she brought them together it was in a way better than I even imagined! Her characters are so well written you just want to sit down and have dinner with them and be a part of their lives. Well....I have been reading her books and again it makes me long for love. But it also makes me question once more....do fairy tales really happen? This is a book or a movie, not reality....

Longing for love is like walking off the beach in the middle of a hot summer. I absolutely love going to the beach. I do not; however, like leaving the beach. The long treacherous walk back up the coast to your car is unbearable. As your feet begin to burn from the sun baked sand, you feel exhausted and defeated. With each step you sink further into ruts. Sweaty, sticky, sandy, and sunburned....you are miserable. And of course your shoulders are weighed down with heavy, wet, sandy towels, beach chairs, bags of buckets and shovels for the kids, bottles of sunscreen, and a cooler. The trek up the sloping beach feels endless. So does the lonely walk through life.

Please understand, I know I am a very blessed person with two awesome boys so full of life, a very loving and supportive family, and the best friends a person could ask for. But I paint this picture because I have not even been on a date since I left my ex-husband over 7 years ago. I am very much a people person, and I want a husband. BUT I WANT IT GOD'S WAY.

At another time I will go into my past mistake with marrying a non-christian, but for now I am focusing on my deepest desires for an amazing man of God to come into my life...to not only love me, but love my boys and be a man they can look up to, a man who will show them who Christ is through his words and actions.

So let me leave you with some hope. I don't know about fairy tales, maybe you can answer that for me....but I do know about miracles. I know about a God who has a plan for my life. A perfect plan with perfect timing....and I want that above anything else. If you are experiencing the heartache of being completely alone....know that God hears your cries, He hears your prayers, He feels your pain, and....HE CARES. All He is asking is that you seek after Him with your whole heart and then...all else falls into place. I am hurting today.....but I am also very hopeful. I am laying my desires at His feet and walking away...because I know that He can write my love story far better than I can even imagine.

So in the meantime...I sing with joy the words of a song by John Waller, "While I'm Waiting". You must listen to this song, no matter what answers or desires you are longing for. Check it out and walk forward in hope and confidence remembering, God has a plan-trust Him.

believing

My heart is breaking this morning for a few very personal reasons.

But I believe in a God who still produces miracles.

I believe in a God who steps across the line of the impossible and makes it happen. I am believing for a change of heart and mindset for those I love who have strayed off the path paved by a loving Jesus. I am believing for enemies to become brothers and sisters in Christ. I am praying and believing for the chains of insecurity to be broken, and for those torn down by years of defeat to run confidently in freedom to the arms of Christ. I am believing for the love of God and others to be restored into homes so that families can be revived with the joy of the Lord. I am believing for a peace that passes all understanding to mend hearts. I am believing in financial problems to become a long forgotten thing of the past and for abundant blessings to be poured out on God's children. I am believing in hopes and desires of our hearts to become realities as we continue to follow after the will of God and trust in His plan. I am believing in a great strength to rise up in our youth to fight back against the schemes of the enemy, and for children to stand for the truth with a backbone and confidence that will not be shaken.

I am believing in miracles.

I have a problem...

When does love of something cross over to addiction? I have the answer to that...

I was craving a brownie so bad yesterday that even though I had absolutely no motivation to clean an apartment that could barely even be walked through, somehow I found the energy to get up and rush to the store to get that expensive brownie I was desiring so bad I could taste the rich Carmel before I even bought it. I was in such a hurry, it was not until I walked into the store that I realized I had not even put on a bra. This is when I knew I had a problem, and I had crossed the line. I need help. Food has become my best friend, and therefore at the same time--it became my worst enemy. The weight is coming on fast, and I am furious....ahhh now that just makes me think of Paul and Vin....mmmm...oh sorry...let me get back to reality.

Lord, I need you. Something is all messed up causing nerves/anxieties/insecurities/worries and all that equals me indulging in everything edible. How do I make it stop. Well the only guarantee way I know to fix anything--PRAY.

Whatever this is Lord, please fix it. As I have stated in my other post, I want to be healthy Lord. I want to have energy and strength to enjoy life and be a great mom. And I do NOT want to slip back into insecurities and depression which tends to come along with major weight gain. I know who I am in You Lord and that will not be shaken. So please break this addiction with food and give me the discipline and wisdom to make better choices. Broccoli not brownies :) Thank you Jesus. Amen.

With any kind of addiction we need to lay it at the feet of Jesus. On the cross, He has already taken the weight and pain of all our sufferings/sins/addictions. Therefore, give it to Him and allow Him to cleanse you, and give you the strength to walk away in peace and freedom.

let God

Let go and let God.

Stop trying to fix it, and trust that God has a perfect plan and timing.

That is it. Period. Your life will be so much more peaceful when you do.

prayer requests

I know I am posting twice in one day, but this is just bothering me and I need your prayers please. My family and friends know my situation with my ex-husband, but other readers may not; however, I do not want to go into all the gory details so basically...he has not been the best father to my awesome, lovable boys, and he disappoints them often. He does not have their best interest or safety in mind, and is mostly only concerned with his own selfish desires and has a crazy mindset in which he holds himself and his ways above all. My boys' hearts are breaking because daddy has not been getting them, and said he will not be able to spend his three weeks with them in the summer; they are devastated. Riley was just crying to me about it and because he is hurting...I am hurting so much more for him.

I am not on here to "daddy bash" by any means; I know I have not been perfect at sharing grace, mercy, and love to that man which leads me to my first prayer request. Help me Lord to control not only my actions and words, but also my thoughts about that man.

My second prayer request is for that man's mindset to be changed. For those of you who know him--you know that this is about as impossible as pigs flying or me ever running out of words to say...lol. Lord, I want him to find you, fall in love with you, and become a man of God those boys can really look up to.

I am so glad I serve a God of the impossible!! A God whose power and miracles go beyond my human understanding, beyond the natural, and He works in the supernatural realm. So I know that if you believe with me, the boys' dad's heart CAN AND WILL be changed in the powerful name of Jesus!!

And my final prayer request....
I know God has a plan for my life, my prayer is that he is including an amazing man of God to come into the picture sometime soon. I have waited over 7 years, and have not even really been on a single date. But besides my own obvious selfish desires for a man...I want the boys to have a man of God in this home. A man with a heart of His Heavenly Father. Without continuing to ramble on...because I am working on that...lol...please just believe with me for these request and I thank you for your love and support.

just press play

I woke up this morning with this funny image in my mind of everyone on rewind. It was as if someone took a giant remote controlling all of us, and pressed rewind, then we started quickly walking backwards. In made me think of when Paul says in the Bible, "but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and press on towards the goal," Philippians 3:13-14.

Stop spending to much time focusing on the past; past pains, past mistakes, past offences, past regrets, past what-ifs.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose, " Romans 8:28. If we have this promise to hold onto, then we must believe that no matter what has happened in our life--God has an ultimate plan for all of it...and it's a good plan! :)

Therefore, just press play, and enjoy each day of life; with all the blessings, joy, and peace that Christ has to offer!

random thoughts

OK, I had bought some vitamins to help with memory and energy, and...um...can't remember to take them....

Justin Bieber is stuck in my head because my 7 year old won't stop playing the movie!! He is working on his dance moves; maybe Brayden will be the next Bieber :) Which is cool as long as I can be on stage too :) I know people will pay for that!!! LOL.

Why does 3 and 1/2 days seem like an eternity!! My teachers out there understand! So much to do to wrap up the year! God give us strength please!!

I suck at Scrabble :( I have been playing Scrabble and Words for Free on my new ipod touch, and I am loosing at all my games...some by the hundreds!!! This is not cool because I'm a very competitive person, so this may be the only time you ever hear me say I am not good at something! Maybe though it is because I don't cheat, and I don't use the dictionary. I use my own blonde brain...oh...wait...there is the problem :( lol


If I have to be this pathetically pale then I should at least get the perks of a vampire. Super strength, Edward and Emment, and the ability to stay awake all the time...because then I could actually get things crossed off my to do list!

Is Paul Walker still single?

I was thinking about this the other day...my original career choice was psychology and counseling...but from my understanding you probably have to be a good listener to do that...hmmm...good thing I switched to teaching. Now I talk (and mix in some singing) all day long, and my second graders are pretty much stuck hearing it!! lol....they love it and they know it :) I have been very blessed this year with a wonderful class and love my job!

Work hard to reach your dreams...but never stop laughing and enjoying life along the way.

This is my prayer tonight, "When I open my eyes, let Your light shine. When I open my mouth, let Your words come out. My life is Yours." song by Devin Williams "Take Control".

Cropped

Since when has taking pictures become more about trying to become America's next top model and less about the capturing the moment and cherishing memories.

I am very guilty of this lately. I have fallen in love with Picasa and other photo workshops because they allow you to crop pictures; or in other words: hide the muffin top. I love that it can whiten and brighten my teeth, brush away the blemishes, and cut away any unsightly cellulite. We get so caught up in our appearances and making sure we have the best picture and trash the rest, now that digital cameras make that so easy, that we loose sight of what really matters...enjoying those moments that we wanted to capture on film in the first place.

When I became overweight I hid from the cameras for the longest time. Until my dad told me that someday the boys will want to look back at pictures, and they will want their mom in them. That hit me hard, and I begin to put on the smile and stand proudly next to my boys for pictures. But...this last few months I have begun to loose that confidence again...focusing too much on outer beauty...or in my eyes lately, the lack of outer beauty as the belly is bulging again...probably because of the brownies I indulged in for breakfast today. (yes I did say breakfast, that is not a typo)

When someone asked me once what I do like about myself (outward) I said, "I love my eyes and I have very cute feet." So I am covered at the top and bottom....it is just all the stuff in between I am not too fond of!!

Well...what I need to crop out is my negative attitude. Where is the button for cutting that out?! I want to get back to just laughing and enjoying life, and capture those memories to hold onto forever. God has brought me too far in learning to believe in myself, and giving me a heart to fight the fight against insecurity. I may have a moment of weakness, but through my weaknesses, Christ is strong. I am a strong, confident woman of Christ, and I want that to shine through so brightly you can even see it in a snapshot.

Now it is your turn to stop fussing over all the flaws you think you have, and start holding your head up--smiling that beautiful smile I know you have :) Because God created you wonderfully!


The following are non-cropped, slightly scary, somewhat silly pictures:
crazy close-up...

the boys love playing with my ipod camera...

all natural after working hard all day rearranging boys' room...

waking up too early on a weekend after the long day of cleaning...


see...now this picture I never posted because I did not like the way my natural inner tube around my waist looked especially standing next to my gorgeous skinny sister...but...this was the best day ever!! It was so much fun...and that is what I want to focus on! And it is a beautiful picture :)


Get the picture? Enjoy life and stop cropping out the parts you don't like...you may end up with nothing left...

Cute Cookie Cop

"WHO STOLE THE COOKIE FROM THE COOKIE JAR?!".....um, yeah...um...that was me...my expanding waist line no longer hides the guilt.

I need a cute cookie cop to come tell me, "FREEZE...STEP AWAY FROM THE COOKIES!" And yes, he has to be cute because I find that it helps you loose weight when you have someone really good looking holding you accountable...like when I had a hot trainer at the gym...when I found out he was gonna be pinching my body fat every two weeks...it sure enough made me want to loose it all the more!!

Yes...I am talking about a very frustrating, personal subject today. Weight.

I love food. I have a food obsession. I am also one of those emotional eaters. I have battled with food for decades. In high school it started out with stomach problems which resulted in a lot of weight loss, and I could not keep anything down. Since I was used to throwing up (sorry for the gory details to come), once the stomach problems went away, and since I enjoyed the smaller body size, I begin forcing myself to throw up. Raping my stomach of any food inhaled from overwhelming emotions, I caused my body a lot of turmoil. I have been through the array of eating disorders; I am now in the vacuum cleaner stage...you know, suck up everything in sight stage.

When I left my ex-husband, I put on a lot of weight. I was actually called obese by doctors. I'm very ill about this now because he was defiantly not worth that period of depression and the weight that came with it. I was in a very dark place for awhile, but...my faithful Savior pulled me through, and over the years He has firmly established me to be a strong, confident woman of God. I know who I am in Christ now, and the size of my clothes does not change the calling of Christ in my life to be a light to people around me. I cannot be a light if I hold my head down in shame, guilt, insecurity, and depressive darkness. So...I had to let go of the weight...all of it...not the physical, but the emotional, mental, past weight. He moved me forward, and for that I am forever thankful.

But...unfortunately I still struggle with physical weight, and it is so frustrating!! I worked very hard to loose over 50 lbs. I went to the gym everyday, sometimes twice a day. I hired the hot trainer, who I wanted to slap every time he said the word lunges! I ate tuna, chicken, brown rice, fish, and green vegetables until I never wanted to see that crap again! I did work very hard, and lost a lot of inches, but I also honestly had help towards the end of my labor. Since I was labeled obese, I was able to get a pill from the doctor to help me get the rest of my weight off....and I really wish I had that pill now because it worked, and I was skinny. I looked and felt amazing. I am just being very transparent about my struggles. I have tried to get on that pill again in spite of the side effects. This is how much I have struggled with weight thoughts/obsessions. The pounds are piling back on, and weighing me down in so many ways.

It is summer now and I am so ready to hit the beach; however, I am feeling so gross in clothes that I cannot even imaging being in a swim suit. I am writing about this today because I know physical appearance and confidence is something so many struggle with...so before I continue to ramble on about this topic...let me get to my point. I have finally changed my motivating factor on the weight issue...instead of spending hours in front of the mirror checking to see if any inches had been shed after each workout, or to cry as the belly bounces around after inhaling another batch of cookie dough from another lonely weekend....I am ready for a new outlook on the way I look...again...God has established a Christ confidence in me, and I know I am an amazing woman of God on the inside. But...I need to stop complaining and whining about my outer beauty. I get so frustrated because I have been single for so long, and I worry that it is because I am not a size zero. I question my looks and cry thinking that is why I spend every Saturday alone, and will forever sleep with nothing but a pillow to hold. But, as much as I want a man that looks good too (just being honest, I am very much a chest girl, and want a man with a nice chest...and nice hands too...and bicepts..and...let me just stop there...lol), but that man can be extremely hot, and be a complete jerk, and that doesn't work for me....I want a good man of God. And I want a man that loves me for me, too. Because I know I have a lot to offer. And that is the outlook you need to have too. BE CONFIDENT IN WHO YOU AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE AN AMAZING CREATION OF GOD THAT HE CAN USE TO CHANGE THE WORLD AND THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS ABOUT YOUR OUTER APPEARANCE IN THE EQUATION IS...IF YOUR WEARING A SMILE :)

I would much rather a man come to my door first thing in the morning when I have raccoon eyes and the bride of Frankenstein hair and him fall in love with my fun-loving personality. I would rather a man see me on the treadmill at the gym sweaty, nappy mess, jello-rolls jiggling all over the place, and think I am amazing because I am holding my head high while I walk around smiling in confidence. Hey, and at least I am trying to do something about the jelly rolls....but...I am then just going home and rewarding myself with cookies after working so hard at the gym...lol...see told ya I have a problem....lol.

My point is...to be confident. As far as the weight issue. I have come to the realization that if I am trying to loose weight just to be skinny and hot...it gets to overwhelming and seems impossible, and I feel defeated every time I pick up a snack. But...now I am looking at it like this: I want to be healthy. I want to be around for a long time and be able to keep up with the two amazing blessings that God gave me. Riley and Brayden. And they are hard to keep up with!! LOL. They are so full of energy, and I want to be the same. I want to get in shape to be the best mom I can be.

My body is the temple of the Lord, so I want to take care of it. That should be our motivating factor. And just remember with all the struggles and frustrations: we "can do ALL things through CHRIST who gives us STRENGTH"!

See the Difference?

THIS IS YOUR MIND ON THE DEVIL...

THIS IS YOUR MIND ON CHRIST...

ANY QUESTIONS?

I HOPE THAT YOU CAN SEE THE DIFFERENCE IN THE ROOM BEFORE AND AFTER CLEANING...WHY IS IT SO HARD SOMETIMES TO SEE THE DIFFERENCE IN OUR MIND WHEN THE DEVIL BEGINS HIS ATTACK?

WE NEED TO BE AWARE OF WHAT THE DEVIL IS DOING IN OUR MINDS IN ORDER TO TAKE UP OUR ARMOR AND KICK BUTT!!! BECAUSE IN CHRIST WE CAN DEFEAT THE DEVIL AND HIS MIND TRICKS!

When attacked by the devil we begin to experience confusion, doubt, anxiety, fears, worry, insecurity, and just a great big mess happens...like in my room when I became too tired to focus on what needed to be done, and I just let it go until I didn't have a bedroom anymore. But once I set my mind to it, I had the energy and focus to get it looking awesome, even my closet is clean and organized! It looks great, and I am so much more peaceful now. That is what happens when we set our minds on Christ.

When we listen to His words...peace comes. When we listen to His words...confidence comes. When we listen to His words...strength comes. When we listen to His words...wisdom comes. When we listen to His words...joy comes.

So set your mind on the greatness and glory of Christ! Call on Jesus and rejoice as He delivers you from the darkness in your mind. Allow Him to do some major spring cleaning and refresh your spirit.

Down in My Heart

"I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart. I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart to stay." You know the old song....I bet it is stuck in your head now...lol.

Good, because we need the joy stuck in our lives so well that it doesn't leave! It is not hard to find reasons to be down, discouraged, depressed, overwhelmed, stressed, or worried....so much is always going on in the world around us. There is so much destruction and devastation lately...but...we as Christian have something that resonates in our souls, and drives us to keep pressing on. His joy does not come from our circumstance. His joy is rooted deeper than that, and can spring forth and blossom even in the mist of the struggles and sorrows.

Seek after Him right now. Stop Turning and twisting, racing and running in a panic to find a peace and for joy that can only be truly found in one source. Jesus.

I am so thankful that Christ is my everything today. I am so thankful for His joy! Nothing else compares to it. I was just listening to "Everything" by Lifehouse. "How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You. You tell me how can it be any better than this!" Amen!

love

I came to Ohio for spring break to celebrate the birth of my new niece, Peyton Grace Dillon. I could not wait to get to hold her. While here enjoying this new life, I had to also suffer a great loss...

My Grandma was one of the most loving, generous, kind, positive people that I know...she is a true reflection of the Jesus that she loves.

She is now dancing with her Savior...and although I am joyful for her, my heart, along with so many others, is breaking.

I think the main thing she would want us to remember as we celebrate her life, and go on living ours is...to love.

Grandma loved as the Word instructs us to do: without restraint, without judgements, without conditions...she just loved wholeheartedly.

So, let us love one another as Christ loves us...let us love one another as my Grandma loved us.

Grandma, you are loved by so many, and you were such an amazing woman of God to look up to.

I miss you...

blindfolded

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength"....apparently this verse includes driving with a blindfold on through the mountains of Virginia. Well that is what it felt like at 4:00 A.M. with the rain pouring down and the fog so thick I could not see anything but the hazard lights of the 18 wheeler in front of me! I was scared out of my mind and shaking so hard the wind was not the only thing knocking the car around! I was praying, screaming, shouting, and crying out to God so intently you would have thought you were in a Pentecostal church meeting. I was begging, "Lord, help me see!!" I have made this trip thousands of times, this was the part with the 7 mile climb from the boarder to VA to Fancy Gap; where there is a cliff on one side and mountains on the other...I could see neither, but I knew they were there, and thus my fear was elevated. If this would have taken place on the straight highways of NC, I would have just pulled over...but on this particular spot on I77....there is no where to pull over unless you want to meet the mountain or the valley below! So...I had to keep creeping up the cliff hanging on tightly to the truck before me...hoping he knew what he was doing!! That was the longest 7 miles of my life!

Well....I did, thank you Jesus, make it safely to Ohio, and the trip of course is so worth it; to be reunited with my family and getting to hold my new niece! God's protection is an amazing thing that we should never take for granite!

I was also thinking...this is like our walk of faith. Faith is believing in what we do not see. God has a plan, a path, for our lives that He does not want us to veer off to the left or right of with all the dangers lurking in either direction. God has the whole picture of the plan already laid out...we just don't always see it before us. We may just only see a few steps ahead of us at a time. But we put our trust in Him and keep our eyes on Him as intensely as mine were on that semi's hazards! Seeking after Him with all our heart will help us stay on the path even when we can not see the finish line. It can be scary at times not knowing what is ahead of us...but just keep praying for peace, wisdom, and strength to keep pressing on. He will answer and He will guide you through it, just as he did me in the darkness of night...and the outcome of following His plan and serving Him...will be more than worth the trip!

P.S. My niece Cheyenne also just came to me this morning with her Bible and read this verse to me that goes along perfectly with this post. Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Get in His word and let it guide you.