"Oops I Did it Again"

I know, Brittany Spears already did it, but...the title fits the post. Let me take you to the dark side of me for a bit. And then I want to leave you with the hope that no matter how dirty your dark side is...His light can penetrate though, and and He can see someone He loves.

Please prepare yourself as some of these images I paint may not be too pretty. I want to talk about the human side of me...we are after all human; therefore, not perfect. I love the verse that says, "being transformed into His image" because God has to continue to form me into His image. (2 Corinth. 3:18) The verse does not say once we accept Christ we are automatically perfect and will never screw up again. It does not say...and this is what I believe holds a lot of people back from entering the doors of a church...before you can even come to Christ, or before you can even think about Him accepting you, you had better clean yourself up! No...it says being transformed. So am I gonna mess up...oh yeah...let me share a little.

First of all, if you have not read my post, "I have a problem" from a few days ago you may want to start with that and then come back because....I did it again...ALTHOUGH...fully clothed this time!!!! Praise the Lord!!! Even showered and did my hair just to make sure I was actually ready to go to the store this time. Because let's face it...I am over thirty, and what I did was just not good if you ladies know what I mean! LOL. Anyways, I had to rush off to the store yet again just to get a decadent brownie, well...that and TP--which is what I used as the spoken justification for the quick errand. I have not stopped shoveling in food for a long time. So I am often left with the feeling of weakness...

Moving onto a deeper darkness...my thoughts. I don't know which is worse actually my lust for food or a man... I woke up this morning again with impure thoughts...won't go into the details of that...let's just say I have been single for over seven years now without even being taken out on a date, so...my thoughts do no always veer towards the path of becoming a nun as the impurities tend to play like a theatrical trailer in my mind. So, should I hold my head down in shame and give up? Perhaps I should just fall into those thoughts time and time again and allow the passion to take over persuading me to act upon them over and over. In the past I have allowed my desires to override my moral compass so maybe that has scarred me for life anyways. Because why would the Holy, Almighty God want anything to do with me?!

People sometimes say, "well if you only knew my story" or, "if you only knew what was in my heart and mind," well...God does know...so what does He think about me and my mess?

Here is answer to that:

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that WHOEVER BELIEVES in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16 (doesn't say whoever is perfect)

And as far as your faults...

"My GRACE is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinth. 12:9

Jesus still loves you and can use you...you and all your imperfections because when He looks at you all He sees is...His beloved creation. He is calling to you and longing for you to run into His open arms of love. Stop looking at your sins and look to your Savior!

Because, "For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ!" We are sinners through Adam, but we are righteous through Christ!

Now does any of this give us a license to sin...by no means! What it does is allow us to seek after Him for forgiveness when we do mess up, then move on! The more we fall in love with Jesus the more those desires will fade away, and He will give us the strength to push through them and press on!

FIGHTER

I'm in the mood today to just put on some boxing gloves and punch the devil in the face, and remind him he don't win this thing!! The champion has already been decided, and it is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

Yes, I know that sounds a little harsh and we are supposed to be lovers- not fighters, but....there is a battle going on, and I am a warrior for Christ. There are too many people that need to see the light, and I will fight for their life!

If the devil had a Twitter page he would be watching the number of his followers going down right now because I am praying and believing that those lost and hurting will look up and see arms of love open for them. The will call on the name of Jesus and be saved!

It breaks my heart to see those I love trapped in chains of insecurity, depression, fears, hatred, bitterness, worries....BUT NO MORE IN THE POWERFUL NAME OF JESUS HE IS SETTING CAPTIVES FREE!

Pray and believe with me today, get out of that deceiving mindset that makes you believe: what is will always be and there is no way that person is going to change...and remember NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD! Therefore, don't give up on them. PRAY HARDER AND BELIEVE.

I thank you Lord because I know that you are reaching out to those I love, You are calling to them, and I know they will find you. They are Your children, Your beloved and You have not given up on them and neither will I. Thank You Jesus. Amen!

Really???

WARNING I MAY RAMBLE THIS MORNING!!

I have been trying to get better at not rambling on and making my blog post short and to the point...but for anyone who really knows me...this is a hard task; I'm a talker and proud of it! LOL. The mornings are the hardest times for my thoughts on this subject so I am just going to let it flow here and hopefully get some answers, and in the process bring some much needed hope not only to myself, but others who deal with the same pain of loneliness that I do.

My question: do fairy tales really exist?

I live in a wonderful imaginary world where they do in my mind. I have a very vivid imagination which makes it hard to go to sleep at night and to get out of bed in the mornings because I am lost in dreams of romance, passion, and love. If I step out of the bed...all is lost, and it is back to spending day after day alone.

In Pretty Woman, Vivian states, "I want the fairy tale." In the end, he rides in and rescues her. In Letters to Juliet, he climbs the balcony and declares his love for her. In Cinderella he places the glass slipper on her foot, and they live happily ever after.....I know, I am a pathetic romantic. I climb right up on cloud nine and get all comfortable and giddy as I watch or read about romance. I play endless hours of romantic first kisses, and enchanting meetings of Mr. Right, and breathtaking weddings in my mind. Longing for them to become real, my heart spends so much time aching over the lack of touch by a man. It hurts and tries to draw me back into insecurity every time I think about love....why does no one want me? Why don't I have the fairy tale?

Now, I love a good action packed show as well. I have tried to watch those more instead of my extensive collection of chic flicks in order to rid my brain of the mushy gushy mess, but even those don't help...because then my Prince Charming has Paul Walker's face speeding into my life in a hot car to take me far far away, or Shia Labeouf picking me up for a date in Bumblebee; so that does not rid me of my pathetic fantasy problem at all. LOL.

Since summer started, it is books that pull me into the world of love. I have been reading Karen Kingsbury since I am off for summer. I'm on my fourth book and we just got out of school June 15th. If you have never read any of her books, let me just give a short commercial for her: if you want to find hope and love in the mist of heartache and pain....read her books. She does an amazing job of showing how God can work miracles and permeate your life with such peace and fill your heart with joy and love no matter what battles you go through. And of course, there is the romance....I was going to describe one for you, but one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone tells me what happens in a book/movie so I will just say, I was very much wanting these two characters to meet, and when she brought them together it was in a way better than I even imagined! Her characters are so well written you just want to sit down and have dinner with them and be a part of their lives. Well....I have been reading her books and again it makes me long for love. But it also makes me question once more....do fairy tales really happen? This is a book or a movie, not reality....

Longing for love is like walking off the beach in the middle of a hot summer. I absolutely love going to the beach. I do not; however, like leaving the beach. The long treacherous walk back up the coast to your car is unbearable. As your feet begin to burn from the sun baked sand, you feel exhausted and defeated. With each step you sink further into ruts. Sweaty, sticky, sandy, and sunburned....you are miserable. And of course your shoulders are weighed down with heavy, wet, sandy towels, beach chairs, bags of buckets and shovels for the kids, bottles of sunscreen, and a cooler. The trek up the sloping beach feels endless. So does the lonely walk through life.

Please understand, I know I am a very blessed person with two awesome boys so full of life, a very loving and supportive family, and the best friends a person could ask for. But I paint this picture because I have not even been on a date since I left my ex-husband over 7 years ago. I am very much a people person, and I want a husband. BUT I WANT IT GOD'S WAY.

At another time I will go into my past mistake with marrying a non-christian, but for now I am focusing on my deepest desires for an amazing man of God to come into my life...to not only love me, but love my boys and be a man they can look up to, a man who will show them who Christ is through his words and actions.

So let me leave you with some hope. I don't know about fairy tales, maybe you can answer that for me....but I do know about miracles. I know about a God who has a plan for my life. A perfect plan with perfect timing....and I want that above anything else. If you are experiencing the heartache of being completely alone....know that God hears your cries, He hears your prayers, He feels your pain, and....HE CARES. All He is asking is that you seek after Him with your whole heart and then...all else falls into place. I am hurting today.....but I am also very hopeful. I am laying my desires at His feet and walking away...because I know that He can write my love story far better than I can even imagine.

So in the meantime...I sing with joy the words of a song by John Waller, "While I'm Waiting". You must listen to this song, no matter what answers or desires you are longing for. Check it out and walk forward in hope and confidence remembering, God has a plan-trust Him.

believing

My heart is breaking this morning for a few very personal reasons.

But I believe in a God who still produces miracles.

I believe in a God who steps across the line of the impossible and makes it happen. I am believing for a change of heart and mindset for those I love who have strayed off the path paved by a loving Jesus. I am believing for enemies to become brothers and sisters in Christ. I am praying and believing for the chains of insecurity to be broken, and for those torn down by years of defeat to run confidently in freedom to the arms of Christ. I am believing for the love of God and others to be restored into homes so that families can be revived with the joy of the Lord. I am believing for a peace that passes all understanding to mend hearts. I am believing in financial problems to become a long forgotten thing of the past and for abundant blessings to be poured out on God's children. I am believing in hopes and desires of our hearts to become realities as we continue to follow after the will of God and trust in His plan. I am believing in a great strength to rise up in our youth to fight back against the schemes of the enemy, and for children to stand for the truth with a backbone and confidence that will not be shaken.

I am believing in miracles.

I have a problem...

When does love of something cross over to addiction? I have the answer to that...

I was craving a brownie so bad yesterday that even though I had absolutely no motivation to clean an apartment that could barely even be walked through, somehow I found the energy to get up and rush to the store to get that expensive brownie I was desiring so bad I could taste the rich Carmel before I even bought it. I was in such a hurry, it was not until I walked into the store that I realized I had not even put on a bra. This is when I knew I had a problem, and I had crossed the line. I need help. Food has become my best friend, and therefore at the same time--it became my worst enemy. The weight is coming on fast, and I am furious....ahhh now that just makes me think of Paul and Vin....mmmm...oh sorry...let me get back to reality.

Lord, I need you. Something is all messed up causing nerves/anxieties/insecurities/worries and all that equals me indulging in everything edible. How do I make it stop. Well the only guarantee way I know to fix anything--PRAY.

Whatever this is Lord, please fix it. As I have stated in my other post, I want to be healthy Lord. I want to have energy and strength to enjoy life and be a great mom. And I do NOT want to slip back into insecurities and depression which tends to come along with major weight gain. I know who I am in You Lord and that will not be shaken. So please break this addiction with food and give me the discipline and wisdom to make better choices. Broccoli not brownies :) Thank you Jesus. Amen.

With any kind of addiction we need to lay it at the feet of Jesus. On the cross, He has already taken the weight and pain of all our sufferings/sins/addictions. Therefore, give it to Him and allow Him to cleanse you, and give you the strength to walk away in peace and freedom.

let God

Let go and let God.

Stop trying to fix it, and trust that God has a perfect plan and timing.

That is it. Period. Your life will be so much more peaceful when you do.

prayer requests

I know I am posting twice in one day, but this is just bothering me and I need your prayers please. My family and friends know my situation with my ex-husband, but other readers may not; however, I do not want to go into all the gory details so basically...he has not been the best father to my awesome, lovable boys, and he disappoints them often. He does not have their best interest or safety in mind, and is mostly only concerned with his own selfish desires and has a crazy mindset in which he holds himself and his ways above all. My boys' hearts are breaking because daddy has not been getting them, and said he will not be able to spend his three weeks with them in the summer; they are devastated. Riley was just crying to me about it and because he is hurting...I am hurting so much more for him.

I am not on here to "daddy bash" by any means; I know I have not been perfect at sharing grace, mercy, and love to that man which leads me to my first prayer request. Help me Lord to control not only my actions and words, but also my thoughts about that man.

My second prayer request is for that man's mindset to be changed. For those of you who know him--you know that this is about as impossible as pigs flying or me ever running out of words to say...lol. Lord, I want him to find you, fall in love with you, and become a man of God those boys can really look up to.

I am so glad I serve a God of the impossible!! A God whose power and miracles go beyond my human understanding, beyond the natural, and He works in the supernatural realm. So I know that if you believe with me, the boys' dad's heart CAN AND WILL be changed in the powerful name of Jesus!!

And my final prayer request....
I know God has a plan for my life, my prayer is that he is including an amazing man of God to come into the picture sometime soon. I have waited over 7 years, and have not even really been on a single date. But besides my own obvious selfish desires for a man...I want the boys to have a man of God in this home. A man with a heart of His Heavenly Father. Without continuing to ramble on...because I am working on that...lol...please just believe with me for these request and I thank you for your love and support.

just press play

I woke up this morning with this funny image in my mind of everyone on rewind. It was as if someone took a giant remote controlling all of us, and pressed rewind, then we started quickly walking backwards. In made me think of when Paul says in the Bible, "but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and press on towards the goal," Philippians 3:13-14.

Stop spending to much time focusing on the past; past pains, past mistakes, past offences, past regrets, past what-ifs.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose, " Romans 8:28. If we have this promise to hold onto, then we must believe that no matter what has happened in our life--God has an ultimate plan for all of it...and it's a good plan! :)

Therefore, just press play, and enjoy each day of life; with all the blessings, joy, and peace that Christ has to offer!

random thoughts

OK, I had bought some vitamins to help with memory and energy, and...um...can't remember to take them....

Justin Bieber is stuck in my head because my 7 year old won't stop playing the movie!! He is working on his dance moves; maybe Brayden will be the next Bieber :) Which is cool as long as I can be on stage too :) I know people will pay for that!!! LOL.

Why does 3 and 1/2 days seem like an eternity!! My teachers out there understand! So much to do to wrap up the year! God give us strength please!!

I suck at Scrabble :( I have been playing Scrabble and Words for Free on my new ipod touch, and I am loosing at all my games...some by the hundreds!!! This is not cool because I'm a very competitive person, so this may be the only time you ever hear me say I am not good at something! Maybe though it is because I don't cheat, and I don't use the dictionary. I use my own blonde brain...oh...wait...there is the problem :( lol


If I have to be this pathetically pale then I should at least get the perks of a vampire. Super strength, Edward and Emment, and the ability to stay awake all the time...because then I could actually get things crossed off my to do list!

Is Paul Walker still single?

I was thinking about this the other day...my original career choice was psychology and counseling...but from my understanding you probably have to be a good listener to do that...hmmm...good thing I switched to teaching. Now I talk (and mix in some singing) all day long, and my second graders are pretty much stuck hearing it!! lol....they love it and they know it :) I have been very blessed this year with a wonderful class and love my job!

Work hard to reach your dreams...but never stop laughing and enjoying life along the way.

This is my prayer tonight, "When I open my eyes, let Your light shine. When I open my mouth, let Your words come out. My life is Yours." song by Devin Williams "Take Control".

Cropped

Since when has taking pictures become more about trying to become America's next top model and less about the capturing the moment and cherishing memories.

I am very guilty of this lately. I have fallen in love with Picasa and other photo workshops because they allow you to crop pictures; or in other words: hide the muffin top. I love that it can whiten and brighten my teeth, brush away the blemishes, and cut away any unsightly cellulite. We get so caught up in our appearances and making sure we have the best picture and trash the rest, now that digital cameras make that so easy, that we loose sight of what really matters...enjoying those moments that we wanted to capture on film in the first place.

When I became overweight I hid from the cameras for the longest time. Until my dad told me that someday the boys will want to look back at pictures, and they will want their mom in them. That hit me hard, and I begin to put on the smile and stand proudly next to my boys for pictures. But...this last few months I have begun to loose that confidence again...focusing too much on outer beauty...or in my eyes lately, the lack of outer beauty as the belly is bulging again...probably because of the brownies I indulged in for breakfast today. (yes I did say breakfast, that is not a typo)

When someone asked me once what I do like about myself (outward) I said, "I love my eyes and I have very cute feet." So I am covered at the top and bottom....it is just all the stuff in between I am not too fond of!!

Well...what I need to crop out is my negative attitude. Where is the button for cutting that out?! I want to get back to just laughing and enjoying life, and capture those memories to hold onto forever. God has brought me too far in learning to believe in myself, and giving me a heart to fight the fight against insecurity. I may have a moment of weakness, but through my weaknesses, Christ is strong. I am a strong, confident woman of Christ, and I want that to shine through so brightly you can even see it in a snapshot.

Now it is your turn to stop fussing over all the flaws you think you have, and start holding your head up--smiling that beautiful smile I know you have :) Because God created you wonderfully!


The following are non-cropped, slightly scary, somewhat silly pictures:
crazy close-up...

the boys love playing with my ipod camera...

all natural after working hard all day rearranging boys' room...

waking up too early on a weekend after the long day of cleaning...


see...now this picture I never posted because I did not like the way my natural inner tube around my waist looked especially standing next to my gorgeous skinny sister...but...this was the best day ever!! It was so much fun...and that is what I want to focus on! And it is a beautiful picture :)


Get the picture? Enjoy life and stop cropping out the parts you don't like...you may end up with nothing left...