The Unknown

The fear of the unknown has caused too much stress in my life over this last month...

One of these unknown fears is: will I have a job next year; being a single mom of two young boys, financial stability is important....I am a teacher assistant, and I was one of the last ones hired; so my job is not guaranteed each year....for this school year, I found out a week before school started that I could have my job back....it was not a fun summer...spent far too much time worrying and looking for a job. I have my license to teach, but I have yet to find a teaching job in this area either. So, the once again straining my brain question is...what will I be doing in a few short months when I have no income once again?

Another fear category for me is, of course...the whole mess of the dating at thirty plus years old....which leads to the fear of being alone...forever...

I often find myself thinking...will it really work out at meeting someone at this point in life? What if we are too much set in our own ways to come together as one? I think when you meet someone when you are younger...you grow together in realizing who you are, and comfort comes easier....now my fears of this unknown world of meeting someone at my age sound like the following....

I like things the way I like them....I like my living room and bedroom decorated the way I want them to be....don't really want someone to come in and try to replace my Italy print with a football poster....lol....(I am kidding...I do believe in compromise though...you can hang it up...in the garage...lol...sorry...I am laughing...I guess this is not something I should post under my profile on any dating sites...lol)
Ahh, which leads to the fear of the dating sites....hmmmmm....so many psycho people out there...how do you know? And I have already had one bad encounter a long time ago with that....when the guy called me he was like a perverted freak!! It is scary out there!!

Also,I talk way too much and I have often wanted to beat myself over the head thinking..you are annoying the mess out of everyone...just like Sandra Bullock in All About Steve....so just shut-up every now and then! lol But in the end of that movie...she is loved by so many and she is confident in who she is...even as different as she is...I am thankful God has brought me to that place :) But I want someone who shares the same passion for communication as I do...is that out there?

Another fear with dating is, I am a single mom of two strong-willed, hyper young boys....will someone really want to take that on and love them like they are his own?
Being a single mom of the above listed type...I usually go to bed exhausted...which means....when I wake up...it is a scary site...a hot mess if you will :)
I am pass the age of thirty which means gravity has been presented to me as a gift in a not so pretty package that I want to return!!! Who will want that?
(My boys really are awesome by the way...they bring so much joy and laughter to my life...just wanted to add that)

I have also heard, and I like to say often when people share the short jokes with me...that good things come in small packages...well is short the same thing as small? Not so much...because I am short...I have been compacted....which means the box of cupcakes I ate this weekend has no where to go but around my waist....my legs...look like tree stumps...and I love the flair button I have on facebook..."I was pale before Twilight made it popular"....

Now my fear is that I am pretty much scaring off any potential guy out there who I might have had a chance with....lol....

So...the fear of the unknown....what will someone think when the find out all this stuff about me? What if I cannot provide for my kids by the end of summer? Will I ever fulfill my dream and become a published writer? Will I become a crazy cat lady and live alone forever? (I prefer fish though...so maybe I will just have an apapterment full of fishtanks...lol When will I ever get a house? When will I become more organized?


So many questions running through my mind....

But I want to introduce those nagging thoughts about the unknown...to the ONE I KNOW!

Lord, I give it all to you...I may not know the answers to all this mess spinning around out of control in my head...but you are an Omniscient Heavenly Father....you know all!

This verse broke me last night, and as I continually repeated it...I found the peace I needed, and I was able to place all my worries, fears, and doubts into the hands of my Savior...

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble" Psalm 46

Let go of your unknown worries and questions and rest in the peace that passes all understanding...

Praise

I just want to give praise to my awesome, loving Heavenly Father....

Recently I was playing a game with the boys when suddenly I had a cramp in my foot...Brayden came to my rescue as he yelled out to Riley, "quick brudder, I need a needle, a wrench, and a bowl of mash potatoes!"
We could not stop laughing....
If you ever get a cramp...I don't know...maybe try Brayden's remedy :)

But I was thinking about that recently, and this came to mind....
Isn't it amazing how God knows exactly what we need it our life.....EVEN IF THOSE THINGS MAKE NO SENSE TO US!!

When things happen in our lives...no matter how random they may seem, no matter the good, or unfortunately the bad, the laughing until your stomach hurts times, or the cry until your completely drained times, when a door opens, or when a door closes....we must remember that ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD FOR THOSE WHO LOVE GOD! (Romans 8:28)

In our human minds we may not understand why things happen or why we are dealt a certain deck of cards....but God does understand....AND HE HAS A PERFECT PLAN!

JUST HAVE FAITH
God is working on your life...and He knows what He is doing!

I thank you God for all that you have done in my life.
I praise you Lord for you are holy and wonderful.
I thank you for your faithfulness.
I praise you Lord for your creative beauty surpasses all.
I thank you Lord for your grace and love.
God you are my God and I will ever praise You!

Walking Backwards

I was doing hall duty this morning when I had to get on a student for walking backwards....now me, being the graceful person that I am...lol...I would have not been able to accomplish that task, however she was managing just fine. But doing my job...I have to keep students at bay from dangers...such as falling or running into things/people....so I had to ask her to walk the right way.

Now...what does the word of God teach us about heading backwards...
"Forgetting what is behind, and straining towards what is ahead" Philippians 3:11-13

Hmmmmm....perhaps God is trying to keep us away from heading down a dangerous path with this warning....no good can come from staying in a state of mind focused on all the negative things that have made there presence well known in our lives.

We are called to LET GO OF OUR PAST....LEAVE IT IN THE PAST!
And we are to focus on the good that the Lord has planned for us ahead.

Like this student, some of us may seem to be managing just fine walking backwards and dredging up the past as we keep it constantly on our present mind....at least we think we are managing fine....but if we cannot let go of the mistakes,the hurt,the pain, and the what if questions...then we will never be able to grasp all that is in store for those who believe.

A song I used to sing in college, based on a scripture, says "No eye has seen, no ear has heard...the good that the Lord has prepared for those...who wait on Him to bring good news...I am the potter and you are the clay"

This states that we cannot even imagine what God has planned for us, and that if we willingly allow Him to form us and shape us...He will do extraordinary things in our lives.

If he is willing (once we confess our sins) to put them behind him, and forget about them....then why do we not do the same?


Learn from the past yes...but do not live in the past!
I have learned so much from the mistakes I have made and things I have been through, but I will not allow those mistakes to continue to bring the weight of condemnation on my shoulders so that I can not rise above it and live victoriously each day. I want to be able to walk straight ahead into a promising future!

Love Life

Well...Valentine's Day rolls around again...a day of love!

So...my thoughts about Valentine's Day....hmmmm....
This last few years I have to admit I have had mixed feelings about the day...I play tug-a-war between being the bitter, lonely old maid with a disdain for the day (being alone on two special days in one. it is also my birthday. not cool...lol) and still being the romantic at heart who loves to share the love :)
I saw the movie Valentine's Day this weekend with some awesome friends, and had a great time laughing! I loved the idea of the hating Valentine's Day party...when the girl brought out the huge pinata heart to beat on with a bat...I was like...awesome!....lol...ok...now let's focus on the positive since I got that off my chest...ha ha ha....I am mostly joking...but also want to let all of you who also had no hot date for today...I understand....but let me tell you now about someone who does love you and who is there for you....

Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love--and there is a Heavenly Father who loves you so much that His word states "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that WHOSOEVER believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life" Notice the word in all caps and bold print...whosoever...hey that includes YOU! HE LOVES YOU! AND THAT IS SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE!

So this is for you...the one who may be feeling unlovable, the one who feels left-out, the one who feels like one of the ogres instead of the fairy princess...don't count yourself out of a love that is unconditional and everlasting. He is there to be your valentine...your prince...your savior. And not just on one day out of the year....but EVERYDAY!

Now let's also talk about what our awesome God who loves us wants us to do with our life....
LOVE LIFE AND LIVE IT ABUNDANTLY!

My pastor talked about this today....to love life and have good days. (If you have read my last two post...you know I needed to hear about having some good days...lol...and for a side note...I have risen above the negative mood and I am back to my bubbly, goofy self again, and I am so thankful for God restoring peace in my life and for placing amazing friends in my life who love me and encourage me)
So...we are to love life and have good days. We don't have to wait until we get to Heaven to have a glorious life. We are to enjoy life now...even in the mist of this negative world...we are to be positive and live life abundantly! I know someone may read this and say well that is easy for you to say, but you don't know my life....well...if you have been reading my blogs...I do know.....but I also know that this is true...with the joy of the Lord as my strength I can dance in the face of darkness, I can laugh when I want to cry,and I can enjoy all that God has for me....success and blessings. joy and peace. strength and wisdom. Its all for me! And for you! He loves you and He promises these things to you! SO SEEK AFTER THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU, WHO COMPLETES YOU, WHO DIED FOR YOU, AND WHO LIVES FOR YOU! AND HE WILL SHOW YOU HOW TO REALLY LOVE LIFE!

What does the Bible say about love?
"Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Remember these words...check your heart and ask yourself....is this the kind of love you are showing towards those you love? And to all?

I pray that you have had a blessed day today on this special day. I also pray you continue to share the love everyday! I pray that love and laughter are poured out abundantly in your home!

Transparent

As hard as it is…I want to be completely transparent right now. I say hard because I know people who may read this, and I think…hmmm I would rather them not see this side of me, but my prayer is that this reaches out to someone who needs it. I had said the same with my last post as well because I am having a very, very bad week. But helping others, reaching out to them, and pulling them out of their pit, and facing them in the right direction is important…so if I can share the secrets about my pit, and what God is teaching me in the mist of it, and it helps someone else get the strength to climb out of theirs…then that is what matters to me.

I am ready to give up…well at least ten minutes ago I was…I was done…the end of my rope had been long lost and the pit was painted a hopeless pitch black. It started last Wednesday…I was alone in the house for the first time in a while…and it just all came tumbling down…everything I was trying to hold together let go in the mist of the lonely, empty space. I allowed myself to slip into the pit without even putting up a fight…I gave up. I allowed the emotions to rule again and sanity to slip slowly away…..

And the heaping mounds of dirt just kept piling on top of me making my pit a grave…..

I was just trying to jog out the bitter mood on the treadmill at my friend's house (it had worked the night before, but that was also after hearing a positive message at church…this was after getting more bad news)(I am so sorry Melissa…by the way…and thank you) and I didn’t know weather I was going to puke because I had just stuffed my face trying to drown out the sorrows… or scream as the angry music added fuel to the fire (I was unfortunately in that bad of a mood I kept skipping past the spiritual songs that I should have on replay) or just weep uncontrollably...

So basically all those things took over my mind, and my friend once again became my shrink…..(when I hit the lottery we will settle the bill….lol) I am blessed with amazing friends!! (Thank you Melissa, Tammy and Tina for your words of encouragement tonight. And thank you to all my family...miss you mom, and friends (Linda you have been a great help this week, too! who love and encourage me, and ALWAYS listen...)So we were discussing what is the worst of it? What is at the top of the list…the financial problems? The fact that I will be thirty-two Sunday and still have no career in site? The problems with my amazing ex-husband that never seem to end? (hope you caught the sarcasm with the word amazing by the way)? Things dealing with being a mom? The feelings of failure and unworthiness that have seemed to come back into my life at full-speed after years of battling them, and I have had great victory over them, but apparently they must have missed me because they came visiting this week, and I welcomed them back with open arms...
Or the loneliness?

I am a people person…I LOVE TO TALK…..I will give you a minute to collect yourself…those who know me…because I know that just sent you into shock…
I am very much a people person, and I need communication (no matter what form in may come in…taking, texting, emails, phone calls…touch…) I love to communicate with people…..so that being said…going to bed alone every night for about six years now…..it sucks!

But as my friend so eloquently put it…..would you rather still be in bed with your ex? So….point taken with that…..NOT SETTLING FOR LESS THAN WHAT I DESERVE….AND I DESERVE ONLY GOD’S BEST!

So, while talking on the phone with a friend the worship song "While I’m Waiting" just came to mind as I was throwing my tantrum, and telling my friend I am tired of waiting…..

I am tired of waiting on the career, the man, the ex to fall off the face of the earth….sorry…did I mention I was in a bitter mood…lol…I am tired of waiting on the dreams to become a reality….waiting leads to all the wondering questions that never shut off in my overactive mind… Why? When? What if? What’s wrong with me? What’s the point?

But what does the song say…. “While I’m waiting…I will serve you while I’m waiting….I will worship while I’m waiting”
My friend had told me a few weeks ago she heard this song and thought of me, and was saying all these sweet, positive things about how this song reminds her of me, and how I praise God even while I am waiting on the desires of my heart to be fulfilled…..I am going to try to not start crying all over again while I think….hmmm if she could see me now what would she think…..being the amazing friend she is (Thank you Brenda) I know she would say this too shall pass, and I know the true Christina who praises God in the mist of the storm and dances in the rain is in there somewhere, and just remember who you are in Christ….another friend may say…she needs to come on out before I slap her out of there…..I need both right now…lol…see I am laughing again…

The words continue to say… “I am waiting on you Lord. And I am peaceful. I am waiting on you Lord though its not easy. But faithfully I will wait. I will move ahead bold and confident. Taking every step in obedience.” “I am waiting on you Lord though it is painful….though patiently I will wait.”

I love amusement parks…I love roller coasters…but what is the worst part…the waiting in line…for most people…see I don’t mind it much…because again my talent of talking passes the time for me (maybe not others…sorry Joseph, Joey and Ralph) but I don’t mind waiting in those lines because you can either make the best of it like I do….or you can gripe and complain. But eventually you will get on the ride and you always find (well I do) that it is worth the wait….you scream…you have a blast…you enjoy the ride.

Hmmmm……let me take a minute to breathe that in…..

Faithfully Lord…I will wait….because all you have for me…..is worth the wait.

Your ways are perfect. Your timing is perfect.

This pit is a choice. It is a mindset. And I am filling in the hole with your word and your promises and I will get out and stand firm on your solid rock.

I choose life and life more abundantly….and that is how we live if we worship while we wait.

HIBERNATION PLEASE!

Have you ever had a really bad day, and then it just kept getting worse? I was laying in bed alone in the house this afternoon ready to hibernate and not get up until spring because of one of those days....
I wish I was a bear...first they get to stuff there face with food to store up fat for the winter...and the fatter the better (and cuter...which is not so true for me!)and then they get to sleep all winter!! Well..I was working on the first part wishing it would lead into the hibernation when the reality hits me in the face while I was standing in front of a mirror....I am not a bear, and this is not working out for me! Now I am sick to my stomach and overwhelmed with guilt as I throw away the empty Crunch-n-Munch box...at this point begging for the hibernation because of the humiliation I am feeling as I stare at my reflection that I promise you seem to be growing larger by the moment! A bad day led to weakness and weakness led to worthlessness....
So the worst way to end my bad day: I am laying in bed and my son comes in and crawls up in bed with me and says "Mommy, when you send me to me room whenever I am in trouble...I say mean things about you."
I am trying not to drench my laptop with tears as I type this because kick ya when you're down doesn't even began to cut it with this comment....
Have you ever had one of these days???
Although I am someone who usually shares all anyways...this is very hard to post (no one likes to air their dirty laundry for all to see)...but today I was thinking about a comment someone posted listing the realities of life to me, and debating that fact that life could be extraordinary....
Believe me, I do understand the concept of all hell being unleashed, and when it rains it pours.
But I also very personally understand this: when HIS BLESSINGS and PEACE and JOY RAIN....THEY POUR OUT ABUNDANTLY ON MY LIFE AND IT IS EXTRAORDINARY!
I hurt like you hurt, I cry like you cry, I am aching inside as I type this for so many reasons I can't even unscramble them all in order to get them all written down so that you can understand; I get it...life is messy...
As I type this my beautiful son is laying next to me in bed right now, and all I want to do is hold him, and love on him, and take away all the hurt, pain, frustration, sorrow, and anger he has ever felt or will ever feel....but I can't. And that hurts more then the painful words he just spoke to me.
But the reason I can lay my head on my pillow in peace tonight is because I know who can take it all off our shoulders, and whose hands are large enough to hold it....God.
We may not be able to hibernate like bears...but we can rest in His peace! Give it all to God....let it go. Life is messy and we cannot clean it up on our own...I know the best housekeeper :) Release control to Jesus and let Him clean up the mess and he will make something beautiful out of it!
A day lily is my favorite flower and it means something special to me: they are very bright, beautiful flowers that grow wild in ditches.....life can put you into a "ditch" quite often enough....but if you allow Him to....God can create something extraordinary out of that ditch. He will lift you up and bring you to a place where your beauty shines for the world to see. His joy will be your strength so that you will be able to dance in the ditch.
I am not sure how much of this really makes sense because it is late (to me) and I am exhausted....but I am just sharing my heart and I hope it helps....
Also here is another song that I have had on replay all night: "The More I Seek You" by Kari Jobe. Here are the words from the chorus; I pray they bring comfort to your soul: "I want to sit at your feet. Drink from the cup in your hand. Lay back against you and breathe...feel your heartbeat. This love is so deep. It is more than I can stand. I melt in your peace...its overwhelming"
Rest peacefully....allow Him to show you the beauty He already sees in your life :) it is there and He believes in you!