I was going to write about this last night while I was going through it, but I was honestly for the first time afraid of what I would say on here. I have been very ill (and not sick...this is southern for mad...lol..I have learned that living here) and hurt the last few days with someone; feeling like I could just punch them in the face (just being transparent here and besides when you have massive muscles like mine it is tempting to want to use them...lol), anyways I didn't want all the details of that to come out. Then that mixed with insecurities that have been flooding back in, and then were magnified by another comment from someone; the reflection in the mirror has not been smiling back at me lately. Sometimes I feel like this insecurity battle is like the waves on the shore of a beach...in and sucked back out, pushed back in, and then out again...a constant threat that keeps me unstable. The continuous battle has been making me feel like and insufficient, unworthy Christian. Then it was all topped off with fear, and I was trapped in the whirlpool spirally quickly downward gaining in speed, strength, and size as it spun on.
I was driving back from a friends in the dark experiencing the lovely mixture of emotions, and since the door was open, Satan came barging in. Let me explain an earlier situation first. Wednesday I got on the highway to leave Ohio and drive the 10 hours back to NC, when suddenly I hit a deer. It was dark (4:30 am), and it came out of nowhere slamming into the front driver's side bumper. Needless to say the boys and I were pretty shook up. After my gut-wrenching scream though, God immediately brought peace over me in order to get the boys to calm down. I am so thankful for that. He gave me the strength to stay at peace, and get back in the car, and make the drive safely home...with $2,275 worth of damage done to the car...but we were safe and that is what is important. Yet, on the drive from my friends house last night, as I was in turmoil over some things...would you believe that Devil through fear on the table, and I begin panicking looking for deer slowing my speed well below the limit...
I got home collapsed on the couch and cried. Then I got these sweet words from a friend on Facebook; saying the boys were blessed to have me as a mom and that my faith was inspiring...I thought, man if she could see me now what would she think?!
Time to fight back. Time to pray. Time to call out to my Savior.
"Jesus, please I need You. I cannot do this on my own. I'm hurting. I'm frustrated. I'm acting out of emotions and reacting to circumstances instead of standing firm on the truth. Help me Lord. Cleanse my heart and mind Lord. Take Your brillow pad and scrub me clean, brushing away all that is not of You, Lord. Take Your pliers and pull away all the pain. Do Your work on me Lord and fill me with Your peace, strength, wisdom, and love. I thank You, Jesus for Your gentleness, and compassion, and grace even while cleaning me up in order to shine for You. I thank You, Jesus for Your faithfulness and love that comes in my weakest moments without fail. I am so thankful that You are not a God who sits on His throne with a scoring card checking it off every time I fail or fall backwards. You are just there with open arms to pull me up and push me forward with Your strength. I thank You for the promises in Your word that I can stand on even after attacks from the enemy. With You as my strength, I will not stay down, but rise once again to praise Your name Jesus. Amen."
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
just a lump of mud
"Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, You are the potter; we are all the work of Your hand." Isaiah 64:8
Why do we try to reverse the roles? Why do we think that we have to be the one to make ourselves into this perfect image...it's His job...so let Him do it.
Stop struggling with the idea that you are not good enough and you mess up to much; so you're cracked, and scratched, and bruised, and scarred, but let the powerful hands of Christ be the one to smooth away those rough edges, molding you into His image.
We can't do it on our own, in our own strength, so we need to stop trying. Daily we need to keep giving our life over to Christ and allow him to do the shaping and refining; trusting in His plan that He can use a variety of ways to do that. We complain and/or question life, circumstances, places we are at...but yet we never know what Christ is using as tools to create a masterpiece in us. Not only can he use circumstances or places in our lives, like our jobs, to work on us, but He may also have you exactly where He wants you in order to reach out to certain people; therefore do not miss out on the those opportunities by trying to take away the control of the Potter and work things out your own way....because you are just a lump of mud my friend.
The good news is, you are a lump of mud that is found precious, worthy, and beautiful in the eyes of Jesus. He has great plans for your life, so just let the Potter do His job!
Why do we try to reverse the roles? Why do we think that we have to be the one to make ourselves into this perfect image...it's His job...so let Him do it.
Stop struggling with the idea that you are not good enough and you mess up to much; so you're cracked, and scratched, and bruised, and scarred, but let the powerful hands of Christ be the one to smooth away those rough edges, molding you into His image.
We can't do it on our own, in our own strength, so we need to stop trying. Daily we need to keep giving our life over to Christ and allow him to do the shaping and refining; trusting in His plan that He can use a variety of ways to do that. We complain and/or question life, circumstances, places we are at...but yet we never know what Christ is using as tools to create a masterpiece in us. Not only can he use circumstances or places in our lives, like our jobs, to work on us, but He may also have you exactly where He wants you in order to reach out to certain people; therefore do not miss out on the those opportunities by trying to take away the control of the Potter and work things out your own way....because you are just a lump of mud my friend.
The good news is, you are a lump of mud that is found precious, worthy, and beautiful in the eyes of Jesus. He has great plans for your life, so just let the Potter do His job!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
In an Instant
My three year old niece was doing my hair this morning while I was holding my 3 month old niece...life was good. I only get to Ohio about 2 times a year so getting to spend time with my family is very precious to me. I was in charge of 5 kids today: my two boys and 3 of my nieces...well and a 6th kid if you count Papaw (just kidding Bill, love ya)! LOL. We were having a great morning, but all can change in an instant. Next thing I knew the baby was crying and my hair was getting ripped from the roots of my scalp from the 3 year old! Maybe the baby was showing some sympathy for me! And in the other room one boy was hitting another with a dog leash...so it want from peace to chaos in 1.5 seconds! LOL...and just in case any of the parents of these children read this, really all is well, don't worry...well my scalp is still a little sore, but I am sure none of them are too concerned with my pain. Oh, no wait...I spoke too soon, all may not be well. My younger son just yelled up from the playroom, "Mom, Riley just got hurt and it's not my fault, I'm Innocent!" Right....
Anyways...this is life.
All can be smooth sailing, and then a storm hits.
However,I was quickly able to retrieve the brush from my hair, get the older kids to behave, and soothe the baby with a song by Kari Jobe. If you are dealing with situations that have upset your once peaceful life, or if you are constantly surrounded by depression and chaos, then I challenge you to cry out to an amazing Savior with these words. He promises when you call out to Him, He will answer.
"The more I seek You, the more I find You. The more I find You, the more I love You. I want to sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand, lay back against You and breathe, feel Your heartbeat. This love is so deep, its more than I can stand. I melt in Your peace, its overwhelming to me."
Even if the sirens of the storms are wailing all around you,
Anyways...this is life.
All can be smooth sailing, and then a storm hits.
However,I was quickly able to retrieve the brush from my hair, get the older kids to behave, and soothe the baby with a song by Kari Jobe. If you are dealing with situations that have upset your once peaceful life, or if you are constantly surrounded by depression and chaos, then I challenge you to cry out to an amazing Savior with these words. He promises when you call out to Him, He will answer.
"The more I seek You, the more I find You. The more I find You, the more I love You. I want to sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand, lay back against You and breathe, feel Your heartbeat. This love is so deep, its more than I can stand. I melt in Your peace, its overwhelming to me."
Even if the sirens of the storms are wailing all around you,
Jesus will surround you with peace
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Buffet Style
Well...as usual there is a lot on my mind. Maybe it is because even on vacation we are staying so busy, and I am really tired because I have been on the go, and I have not been sleeping well; whatever the cause my mind is swarming with thoughts again so you may get a smorgasbord of stories here today. Since I am having a hard time choosing just one thing to write about today, I pray from the display of my mixture of emotions you can pick up something encouraging.
Fears, insecurities, negativism, loneliness, bitterness,and confusion are just some of the paths I may venture off into. My first thought was to write on fears since Sunday I watched my nine year old be tormented with fear to the point he made himself sick. We went to Kalahari Water Park in Sandusky, Ohio and it was awesome! However, Riley had a hard time warming up to the water slides. He cried to the point of hyperventilating the whole way up the many flights of stairs as he was put into a large tube to be shoved down an enormous dark tunnel. I tried praying out loud over him,quoting scripture, using comforting words, obviously the forcing him to face his fears method, and many other things...but he still bawled his eyes out. Now it all turned out alright and he eventually loved the place, went on all the slides, and had a great time. But I was left feeling horrible not knowing if I did the right thing by having him face his fears. I was left feeling awful for being so firm with him. But how do you get a child to face something that you have dealt with for decades? It was not until a few years back when God delivered me from my fears during a tornado warning while I was in the bathroom with two sleeping toddlers thinking how in the world am I going to protect the two most important things to me in the world...when God's peace came over me, and I remembered He is in control.
Talking with my niece, I had a similar situation happen where again I was telling someone how to deal with something that has taken me through daily battles for over 15 years. Insecurity. How do you get a young, beautiful, smart, talented, amazing preteen to believe in herself while at the same time you are so upset over the disgusting looking pictures someone shared of you on Facebook. This weight battle has really got me being sucked back into serious frustration. But like all battles...you have to actually pick up a weapon and fight back. I don't have all the answers to all that I am facing. For example with the above problem with my son and his fears, I would love feedback on, some suggestions on what do you do...I want to be a good mom and I love them so much. I don't have all the answers but I do know that when facing a deceptive opponent who will do anything to pull me into his darkness, I CAN NOT just sit back and allow myself to be sucked it to it.
We have to take a stand. We have to fight back. If I want to loose weight I can't keep shoving my face with sweets and comfort food, it is not going to work. I have to get moving and make some changes in my bad habits with food. Time and effort are two things we don't like about a battle. Some battles take longer than others and they all take effort on your part to stand up and fight, but the outcome will be worth it versus the alternative of a dark destructive lifestyle.
Negative speaking can be another destructive bad habit that needs to be broken before it breaks you and others around you. That is just something else I have been thinking about. I don't want to be so caught up in what is wrong with my life or what is not happening that I miss all the blessing and favor of God that He is daily pouring out on me. I don't want to be a bitter, depressive person person that allows circumstances to dictate my personality. No, I want to be a light. I want the joy of the Lord to fill my soul and overflow to all those around me. So once again...I have to do the work in the battle...when the negative thoughts come pouring in...I fight back with the Word-the truth of God. This is why it is so important to get in Bible and get those promises written upon your heart, because when an attack comes you can pick up the powerful weapon of truth and fight hard. And the best part...because if you know me you know I love to win...well if God is on my side- I DO WIN!
I know this is long and my mind seems to be full of confusion right now, but...let me end it with telling you about His peace. Some of you may face the frustrating problem of an over-active mind like I do and things like this happen often; a whirlwind of thoughts try to drown out the only voice that matters. Well, when it happens again we have to take an action, we have to seek after Jesus through all the confusion because when you seek Him, you WILL FIND HIM. Get out your Bible, put your praise music on, and go after your loving Savior with full force; the rest will fade away as His peace takes over. I set out in my mom's 17 acre back yard last night watching the stars above just breathing in His peace allowing Him to strip away all the stress. I was was reminded that He put the stars in their place, He is in control of all this beauty around me, and He has my life under control as well.
So, I guess the moral of this mess is no matter what your facing today, face it with Christ...His buffet serves up and abundance of peace, joy, love, wisdom, and strength.
Fears, insecurities, negativism, loneliness, bitterness,and confusion are just some of the paths I may venture off into. My first thought was to write on fears since Sunday I watched my nine year old be tormented with fear to the point he made himself sick. We went to Kalahari Water Park in Sandusky, Ohio and it was awesome! However, Riley had a hard time warming up to the water slides. He cried to the point of hyperventilating the whole way up the many flights of stairs as he was put into a large tube to be shoved down an enormous dark tunnel. I tried praying out loud over him,quoting scripture, using comforting words, obviously the forcing him to face his fears method, and many other things...but he still bawled his eyes out. Now it all turned out alright and he eventually loved the place, went on all the slides, and had a great time. But I was left feeling horrible not knowing if I did the right thing by having him face his fears. I was left feeling awful for being so firm with him. But how do you get a child to face something that you have dealt with for decades? It was not until a few years back when God delivered me from my fears during a tornado warning while I was in the bathroom with two sleeping toddlers thinking how in the world am I going to protect the two most important things to me in the world...when God's peace came over me, and I remembered He is in control.
Talking with my niece, I had a similar situation happen where again I was telling someone how to deal with something that has taken me through daily battles for over 15 years. Insecurity. How do you get a young, beautiful, smart, talented, amazing preteen to believe in herself while at the same time you are so upset over the disgusting looking pictures someone shared of you on Facebook. This weight battle has really got me being sucked back into serious frustration. But like all battles...you have to actually pick up a weapon and fight back. I don't have all the answers to all that I am facing. For example with the above problem with my son and his fears, I would love feedback on, some suggestions on what do you do...I want to be a good mom and I love them so much. I don't have all the answers but I do know that when facing a deceptive opponent who will do anything to pull me into his darkness, I CAN NOT just sit back and allow myself to be sucked it to it.
We have to take a stand. We have to fight back. If I want to loose weight I can't keep shoving my face with sweets and comfort food, it is not going to work. I have to get moving and make some changes in my bad habits with food. Time and effort are two things we don't like about a battle. Some battles take longer than others and they all take effort on your part to stand up and fight, but the outcome will be worth it versus the alternative of a dark destructive lifestyle.
Negative speaking can be another destructive bad habit that needs to be broken before it breaks you and others around you. That is just something else I have been thinking about. I don't want to be so caught up in what is wrong with my life or what is not happening that I miss all the blessing and favor of God that He is daily pouring out on me. I don't want to be a bitter, depressive person person that allows circumstances to dictate my personality. No, I want to be a light. I want the joy of the Lord to fill my soul and overflow to all those around me. So once again...I have to do the work in the battle...when the negative thoughts come pouring in...I fight back with the Word-the truth of God. This is why it is so important to get in Bible and get those promises written upon your heart, because when an attack comes you can pick up the powerful weapon of truth and fight hard. And the best part...because if you know me you know I love to win...well if God is on my side- I DO WIN!
I know this is long and my mind seems to be full of confusion right now, but...let me end it with telling you about His peace. Some of you may face the frustrating problem of an over-active mind like I do and things like this happen often; a whirlwind of thoughts try to drown out the only voice that matters. Well, when it happens again we have to take an action, we have to seek after Jesus through all the confusion because when you seek Him, you WILL FIND HIM. Get out your Bible, put your praise music on, and go after your loving Savior with full force; the rest will fade away as His peace takes over. I set out in my mom's 17 acre back yard last night watching the stars above just breathing in His peace allowing Him to strip away all the stress. I was was reminded that He put the stars in their place, He is in control of all this beauty around me, and He has my life under control as well.
So, I guess the moral of this mess is no matter what your facing today, face it with Christ...His buffet serves up and abundance of peace, joy, love, wisdom, and strength.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Interrupted
"Decide that you don't mind being inconvenienced or interrupted, and God will use you to make a difference." -Joyce Meyer
When I read this quote it struck right through my heart...lately I have been complaining about some things in my life and some changes happening in certain areas. Then stopping around fussing even more over the lack of changes in other areas in which I want something to happen.
Who am I to question God's plan. Who am I to argue with perfection? What if those things that are changing are setting the stage for the things that I actually want to change to happen. Maybe those things that are changing are allowing me to be used to draw more people to the light of Christ.
So why do we wrestle with God? I am a single mom of two boys, and I have learned how to have a good wrestling match...for a 5 foot tall woman I am pretty tough! LOL. But why do I wrestle with God's plan when His outcome works all things out for good.
I am also someone who loves certain change...in fact I desperately need certain changes to happen or I get frustrated and antsy. For example, one day I decided to chop my long hair off into a bob cut out of the blue. Also, I am constantly rearranging my apartment. So...as long as it is change initiated by myself I am OK with that...but why do I fuss and whine when my Heavenly Father, who knows best, decides to interrupt my life?
God, I am sorry for my childish tantrums, and I trust in Your ultimate plan for my life. I want to be used by You to share Your love to those who feel unlovable. I want to be used by You to help turn chaos to peace. I want to be used by You to do greater works than what Jesus did during his time here on Earth because that is what Your Word promises. If that takes change to happen in my life that I think I am not ready for, or don't want...help me to welcome it with open arms and just trust in You. Also, allow the changes to further mold me into Your image, Jesus.
When I read this quote it struck right through my heart...lately I have been complaining about some things in my life and some changes happening in certain areas. Then stopping around fussing even more over the lack of changes in other areas in which I want something to happen.
Who am I to question God's plan. Who am I to argue with perfection? What if those things that are changing are setting the stage for the things that I actually want to change to happen. Maybe those things that are changing are allowing me to be used to draw more people to the light of Christ.
So why do we wrestle with God? I am a single mom of two boys, and I have learned how to have a good wrestling match...for a 5 foot tall woman I am pretty tough! LOL. But why do I wrestle with God's plan when His outcome works all things out for good.
I am also someone who loves certain change...in fact I desperately need certain changes to happen or I get frustrated and antsy. For example, one day I decided to chop my long hair off into a bob cut out of the blue. Also, I am constantly rearranging my apartment. So...as long as it is change initiated by myself I am OK with that...but why do I fuss and whine when my Heavenly Father, who knows best, decides to interrupt my life?
God, I am sorry for my childish tantrums, and I trust in Your ultimate plan for my life. I want to be used by You to share Your love to those who feel unlovable. I want to be used by You to help turn chaos to peace. I want to be used by You to do greater works than what Jesus did during his time here on Earth because that is what Your Word promises. If that takes change to happen in my life that I think I am not ready for, or don't want...help me to welcome it with open arms and just trust in You. Also, allow the changes to further mold me into Your image, Jesus.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Blurred Vision
Why is it that when I look at myself or catch a reflection...I still see the woman that was called obese, a woman with a weight problem, a woman full of insecurities. I know how far I have come and I know all that God has done in my life and it infuriates me that the devil tries to pull me back into the pit of deception, the place where my unworthiness outweighs the truth that comes from a Heavenly Father who loves me with such unmeasurable depth.
I know I am writing a lot about weight issues lately, but this is the present giant I am facing...well this is a reoccurring giant I go into battle with often, as do a lot of people. The fight against insecurity is what gives me the passion to write and reach out to others because I personally know the destruction it causes...not only to yourself, but eventually it leaks into your entire life and can affect so many other aspects in the process of its destruction.
Anything that takes up your thoughts and begins to take over your life can be an addiction...mine is food. I love food, but I want to have a healthy love for food. I love to cook and create and play with knives in the kitchen...lol...I love watching food network and enjoy seeing their masterpieces come to life, I don't want that to change, but I want the addiction to feeding my darkness places in my mind with doughnuts to stop! It does not take a psychology degree to know why I overeat you can just read a few blog post or talk to me for a bit...I want the love of an amazing man that seems more mythical than the mighty Greek gods. I am a single mom (which I love more than life) but it is not always easy, especially starting a new teaching career which requires endless hours of work (which I also love my job). My dreams often seem to be crushed: being healthy and in good shape, marriage, Italy, and a house. Therefore, I get discourage/anxious and I eat. This was me a few years ago:
I know I am writing a lot about weight issues lately, but this is the present giant I am facing...well this is a reoccurring giant I go into battle with often, as do a lot of people. The fight against insecurity is what gives me the passion to write and reach out to others because I personally know the destruction it causes...not only to yourself, but eventually it leaks into your entire life and can affect so many other aspects in the process of its destruction.
Anything that takes up your thoughts and begins to take over your life can be an addiction...mine is food. I love food, but I want to have a healthy love for food. I love to cook and create and play with knives in the kitchen...lol...I love watching food network and enjoy seeing their masterpieces come to life, I don't want that to change, but I want the addiction to feeding my darkness places in my mind with doughnuts to stop! It does not take a psychology degree to know why I overeat you can just read a few blog post or talk to me for a bit...I want the love of an amazing man that seems more mythical than the mighty Greek gods. I am a single mom (which I love more than life) but it is not always easy, especially starting a new teaching career which requires endless hours of work (which I also love my job). My dreams often seem to be crushed: being healthy and in good shape, marriage, Italy, and a house. Therefore, I get discourage/anxious and I eat. This was me a few years ago:
I know you are thinking well at least you have an inner tube handy for the pool :) Sorry, couldn't help myself. I am just frustrated with myself right now...but...not so much with the weight finding its way back into my life again...but with the lies I that are blurring my vision again. I know who I am in Christ. You may say, well I've seen you write that before, seems like you have to keep reminder yourself....well...I do, I have to take up the cross daily as I am being transformed, so...I struggle with insecurity, BUT I AM NOT DEFEATED BY IT...NOT ANYMORE!
I may take a few hits, but I am an even harder hitter! Those pictures don't define who I am, my weight struggles do not define who I am, the sex symbols of our world that I find myself longing to look like do not define who I am. CHRIST DOES. I am a beautiful, strong, confident woman of God. I have said it before and I will continue to say it as I fight for those of us who daily face our reflections with regrets and remorse.
God sees your heart not the size of your skinny jeans...which is good because momma can't get into her regular jeans right now, let alone think of shopping for the skinny jeans! My passion is to get myself and you to know that we are loved by Jesus and we matter to Him. My desire is to help you believe your worth. You were worth a cross to Christ. His love is UNCONDITIONAL and EVERLASTING. So seek after Him with a confident smile and feel His peace override your pain. Stop listening to your own self criticism and start listening to the words of Christ.
*Now I not going to go over this an edit right now because I am going to go enjoy life and take my boys out to ride thier bikes, so I hope my heart speaks through and if their are a ton of grammatical errors you will forgive me. Enjoying life is what it is all about, not sitting back in defeat. Smile today, there is hope in Jesus!
Friday, July 1, 2011
Reminder
Just a reminder to you...and defiantly to myself, to be positive! A smile is your most attractive feature :) Yes life has its ups and downs, but through it allow God to build you up during the down times, challenge you, and mold you more into His image while keeping a joyful attitude. That is not to say there is not a time for morning and hurting, but overall your life should speak volumes for Christ. And...constant bitterness and negative mindsets do not show the sweet side of our Savior. You can choose to be a black hole to be around or a Sonshine. I choose Sonshine allowing my life to showcase the joy and peace of Jesus.
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