Whirlpool

I was going to write about this last night while I was going through it, but I was honestly for the first time afraid of what I would say on here. I have been very ill (and not sick...this is southern for mad...lol..I have learned that living here) and hurt the last few days with someone; feeling like I could just punch them in the face (just being transparent here and besides when you have massive muscles like mine it is tempting to want to use them...lol), anyways I didn't want all the details of that to come out. Then that mixed with insecurities that have been flooding back in, and then were magnified by another comment from someone; the reflection in the mirror has not been smiling back at me lately. Sometimes I feel like this insecurity battle is like the waves on the shore of a beach...in and sucked back out, pushed back in, and then out again...a constant threat that keeps me unstable. The continuous battle has been making me feel like and insufficient, unworthy Christian. Then it was all topped off with fear, and I was trapped in the whirlpool spirally quickly downward gaining in speed, strength, and size as it spun on.

I was driving back from a friends in the dark experiencing the lovely mixture of emotions, and since the door was open, Satan came barging in. Let me explain an earlier situation first. Wednesday I got on the highway to leave Ohio and drive the 10 hours back to NC, when suddenly I hit a deer. It was dark (4:30 am), and it came out of nowhere slamming into the front driver's side bumper. Needless to say the boys and I were pretty shook up. After my gut-wrenching scream though, God immediately brought peace over me in order to get the boys to calm down. I am so thankful for that. He gave me the strength to stay at peace, and get back in the car, and make the drive safely home...with $2,275 worth of damage done to the car...but we were safe and that is what is important. Yet, on the drive from my friends house last night, as I was in turmoil over some things...would you believe that Devil through fear on the table, and I begin panicking looking for deer slowing my speed well below the limit...

I got home collapsed on the couch and cried. Then I got these sweet words from a friend on Facebook; saying the boys were blessed to have me as a mom and that my faith was inspiring...I thought, man if she could see me now what would she think?!

Time to fight back. Time to pray. Time to call out to my Savior.

"Jesus, please I need You. I cannot do this on my own. I'm hurting. I'm frustrated. I'm acting out of emotions and reacting to circumstances instead of standing firm on the truth. Help me Lord. Cleanse my heart and mind Lord. Take Your brillow pad and scrub me clean, brushing away all that is not of You, Lord. Take Your pliers and pull away all the pain. Do Your work on me Lord and fill me with Your peace, strength, wisdom, and love. I thank You, Jesus for Your gentleness, and compassion, and grace even while cleaning me up in order to shine for You. I thank You, Jesus for Your faithfulness and love that comes in my weakest moments without fail. I am so thankful that You are not a God who sits on His throne with a scoring card checking it off every time I fail or fall backwards. You are just there with open arms to pull me up and push me forward with Your strength. I thank You for the promises in Your word that I can stand on even after attacks from the enemy. With You as my strength, I will not stay down, but rise once again to praise Your name Jesus. Amen."