Transparent

As hard as it is…I want to be completely transparent right now. I say hard because I know people who may read this, and I think…hmmm I would rather them not see this side of me, but my prayer is that this reaches out to someone who needs it. I had said the same with my last post as well because I am having a very, very bad week. But helping others, reaching out to them, and pulling them out of their pit, and facing them in the right direction is important…so if I can share the secrets about my pit, and what God is teaching me in the mist of it, and it helps someone else get the strength to climb out of theirs…then that is what matters to me.

I am ready to give up…well at least ten minutes ago I was…I was done…the end of my rope had been long lost and the pit was painted a hopeless pitch black. It started last Wednesday…I was alone in the house for the first time in a while…and it just all came tumbling down…everything I was trying to hold together let go in the mist of the lonely, empty space. I allowed myself to slip into the pit without even putting up a fight…I gave up. I allowed the emotions to rule again and sanity to slip slowly away…..

And the heaping mounds of dirt just kept piling on top of me making my pit a grave…..

I was just trying to jog out the bitter mood on the treadmill at my friend's house (it had worked the night before, but that was also after hearing a positive message at church…this was after getting more bad news)(I am so sorry Melissa…by the way…and thank you) and I didn’t know weather I was going to puke because I had just stuffed my face trying to drown out the sorrows… or scream as the angry music added fuel to the fire (I was unfortunately in that bad of a mood I kept skipping past the spiritual songs that I should have on replay) or just weep uncontrollably...

So basically all those things took over my mind, and my friend once again became my shrink…..(when I hit the lottery we will settle the bill….lol) I am blessed with amazing friends!! (Thank you Melissa, Tammy and Tina for your words of encouragement tonight. And thank you to all my family...miss you mom, and friends (Linda you have been a great help this week, too! who love and encourage me, and ALWAYS listen...)So we were discussing what is the worst of it? What is at the top of the list…the financial problems? The fact that I will be thirty-two Sunday and still have no career in site? The problems with my amazing ex-husband that never seem to end? (hope you caught the sarcasm with the word amazing by the way)? Things dealing with being a mom? The feelings of failure and unworthiness that have seemed to come back into my life at full-speed after years of battling them, and I have had great victory over them, but apparently they must have missed me because they came visiting this week, and I welcomed them back with open arms...
Or the loneliness?

I am a people person…I LOVE TO TALK…..I will give you a minute to collect yourself…those who know me…because I know that just sent you into shock…
I am very much a people person, and I need communication (no matter what form in may come in…taking, texting, emails, phone calls…touch…) I love to communicate with people…..so that being said…going to bed alone every night for about six years now…..it sucks!

But as my friend so eloquently put it…..would you rather still be in bed with your ex? So….point taken with that…..NOT SETTLING FOR LESS THAN WHAT I DESERVE….AND I DESERVE ONLY GOD’S BEST!

So, while talking on the phone with a friend the worship song "While I’m Waiting" just came to mind as I was throwing my tantrum, and telling my friend I am tired of waiting…..

I am tired of waiting on the career, the man, the ex to fall off the face of the earth….sorry…did I mention I was in a bitter mood…lol…I am tired of waiting on the dreams to become a reality….waiting leads to all the wondering questions that never shut off in my overactive mind… Why? When? What if? What’s wrong with me? What’s the point?

But what does the song say…. “While I’m waiting…I will serve you while I’m waiting….I will worship while I’m waiting”
My friend had told me a few weeks ago she heard this song and thought of me, and was saying all these sweet, positive things about how this song reminds her of me, and how I praise God even while I am waiting on the desires of my heart to be fulfilled…..I am going to try to not start crying all over again while I think….hmmm if she could see me now what would she think…..being the amazing friend she is (Thank you Brenda) I know she would say this too shall pass, and I know the true Christina who praises God in the mist of the storm and dances in the rain is in there somewhere, and just remember who you are in Christ….another friend may say…she needs to come on out before I slap her out of there…..I need both right now…lol…see I am laughing again…

The words continue to say… “I am waiting on you Lord. And I am peaceful. I am waiting on you Lord though its not easy. But faithfully I will wait. I will move ahead bold and confident. Taking every step in obedience.” “I am waiting on you Lord though it is painful….though patiently I will wait.”

I love amusement parks…I love roller coasters…but what is the worst part…the waiting in line…for most people…see I don’t mind it much…because again my talent of talking passes the time for me (maybe not others…sorry Joseph, Joey and Ralph) but I don’t mind waiting in those lines because you can either make the best of it like I do….or you can gripe and complain. But eventually you will get on the ride and you always find (well I do) that it is worth the wait….you scream…you have a blast…you enjoy the ride.

Hmmmm……let me take a minute to breathe that in…..

Faithfully Lord…I will wait….because all you have for me…..is worth the wait.

Your ways are perfect. Your timing is perfect.

This pit is a choice. It is a mindset. And I am filling in the hole with your word and your promises and I will get out and stand firm on your solid rock.

I choose life and life more abundantly….and that is how we live if we worship while we wait.