They call Him Savior

Yesterday I was reminded of why they call Him Savior....

My faith has been shaken over the last few months. I had actually began to very much doubt the existence of an almighty God, an all powerful Christ filled with compassion for His children, a comforter, a provider of strength, peace and joy, a healer, and a Savior. If there was a Savior, why was I drowning in darkness? If there was a comforter, why have I spent the last decade completely alone crying myself to sleep most nights; no family near me to turn to, and no husband to talk to- just me- all alone every single night? If there was a compassionate Christ why would he sit back and ignore the desires of my heart, my cries, my prayers, and allow the pain to deepen with each passing day? If there was an all powerful God, then why would He sit back on His throne and watch as a school full of precious children were brutally murdered?  If there was a healer, then why did I pray with my boys every night powerful prayers for my cousin's wife to be healed of cancer, only to hear that she lost the battle?

How can I read promises of provided strength when I can barely even crawl out of bed lately? I feel broken beyond repair; I have been in a place where joy and peace are found in the same place as the "happily ever afters"- they are in the out of reach fairy tales. The darkness has devoured and destroyed all that I ever was and all that I ever believed in. I have lost sight of myself and more importantly I have lost sight of the one they call Savior. It has gotten worse when even those closest to me have now turned against me....no longer there to lean on or share my heart and hurt with. Therefore, I am again questioning God's plan and why I am left to pick up the pieces of my life alone. I apparently just throw a good dramatic pity party, but when you walk every day through thick fog trying desperately to see a nail-scarred hand reaching out to you to pull you through, yet only to find the fog thicken, the walk turn into a steep upward climb, and no one in sight to assist you in the journey- it gets exhausting.

I cannot even really share many of my other struggles, but they are there and lately too heavy to bare. I have tried to continue to seek the face of this Savior, crying out to Him, praying each night with my boys hoping that they cannot see that mommy is becoming lost. I want so badly to believe the words I paint across these canvases, "I am wonderfully made" and it is by a God who loves me, a God who is there for me, a God who has great plans for me, and a God who is real. I pray these things for those I make the paintings for; I want them to always walk in confidence and know that God is always there loving them and believing in them. However these last few months, I have come too close to giving up and not believing it for myself.

But yesterday, I was reminded that when you call on Jesus- you don't get a busy signal. When you seek after Him, He does not hide. When you need Him, you are not put on hold. Even if you cannot see, even if you cannot hear, even if you can not feel- HE HAS AND WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU.

My secret Santa delivered the final gift to me yesterday and when I opened it, I tried very hard not to break down bawling at our work party. Her gift was a reminder from a Savior that he is still in the business of saving me...I just need to continue to believe.

The plaque read:

FAITH

Faith makes things possible,

not easy.

No, life is not easy- you don't even have to turn on the tragic news to know that, but you do need to turn to the Word of God to know that you are never alone-no matter how badly you feel that way.  He is there and He does have perfect plans for you no matter what you are facing; He can use your circumstances for good and He will build you up in your faith.  

I have always liked a good battle, a good game- I am not one for a shut-out. I like it when an underdog can have an amazing comeback....well....it is comeback time and this warrior princess is very much prepared and armed for battle. I may have been broken and bruised, but I am not barren of power to destroy the darkness. I am armed with faith; faith that may have been shaken, but a faith that, even if small, can move mountains!  A faith that believes in a God that turns the impossible to possible. A faith being built like a strong fortress because of the battles I  face.  A faith that knows why they call Jesus a Savior-

because when I was lost- He saved me!